Swinging that way: THE MUSICAL!
by Sleather Chonkers
Summary: SLASH :A show stopping musical filled with tranvestite death eaters , slutty gryffindors and a love which dares not speak its name!
1. Default Chapter

Swinging that way  
By Vivienne De Silva and Heather Lawson  
  
A/N This is a parody , this is what happens when two authors , one who likes slash and one who dos'nt  
come togethor and collaberate a draco and Harry romance. Warning do not take this story seriously.  
It is dedicated towards all those real slash writers out their , god bless your smutty little  
souls!  
  
Chapter one  
  
The one eyed dragon  
  
The moon was high across the sky, and the world twinkled with beauty as Draco Malfoy pranced (yes pranced) up the steps towards the astronomy tower, his heart a-flutter. This is how our story begins. This, this is where it all began. All the madness that took place at Hogwarts for the past few weeks started with this moment. Draco clutched the bunch of roses to his heart, and sang to the world..   
"Oh Harry Potter, my one true love, my golden green eyed minx…soon you shall know my true feelings for you!" He sighed dramatically.  
For you see, gentle readers... Draco is gay. The basis of this weird story. Which is incredibly obvious because when you type 'Draco is gay' into a search engine it comes up with around fourty million hits.  
Yet innocent Harry was minding his own buisiness, taking some books out of his locker. Because this story has been americanised, which means they suddenly have lockers even though this happens to be a medieval boarding school.  
Unfortunately Harry had a detention in the astronomy tower with his arch nemesis Draco Malfoy. You see there had been a situation involving Neville, a toad and a fish named Wanda but let's not get into it. So obviously he wasn't in the mood to put up with Draco's annoying taunting for a whole detention, and was determined to forget the whole thing with an adventure involving the invisibility cloak and the girls' bathroom. Unfortunately, he had infact left it in his dormitory. But before he had time to consider going back, he was confronted by ...yeah you guessed it, Draco.  
Draco was a man with a plan, ever since he saw Harry that steaming hunk of manhood on the quidditch pitch he had been determined to make the little Griffindor his. Obviously there was only one romantic situation that would end in a snogging, a detention. Everyone knows that those always end in heavy petting. Normally it was better to hold such a romantic situation in the dungeons. Unfortunately Draco tended to get colds rather easily, and the slimy dungeons would make him ill rather than horny.  
Harry eyed the roses suspiciously, and smelled the cologne significantly. His eyes fell on Draco's leather pants.  
"Er…"  
They didn't leave much to the imagination…not that he wanted to imagine anything.  
"Are we supposed to be doing herbology work for this detention? Cos I brought potions stuff," He pointed out.  
Draco immediately sprang onto one of the desks, swinging his ever so sexy long buff legs.  
"Oh Harry don't be so naïve, you know exactly what I have on my mind," He said with a delicious wink.  
Meanwhile Harry was wondering how Draco could breathe in those pants…let alone move.  
"Quit mocking me, i don't want to be in here any more than you do." Muttered Harry.  
Draco threw the roses over his shoulder and pinned Harry against a wall.  
"Oh come on Potter, we're way past that... we both know how we feel about each other," He crooned.  
"You mean mind-numbing hatred?" Potter asked angrily.  
"You know hate is just love backwards Potter," He said, licking his lips.  
Harry could feel something against his legs and he sure as sugar hoped it was Draco's wand.  
"Oh God…" He muttered fearfully and attempted to push Draco away. "I'm pretty sure that you're drunk and well…gay so maybe I should run away right about now."  
"Potter, i need to show you something, i can't keep it a secret any longer.." Said Draco desperately, reaching down.  
"Oh God!" Harry cried.  
"You like? It's very good isn't it? Malfoys are known to be well, broad as you say," Smirked Draco.  
Harry looked down and thankfully saw a Nimbus 2000 broomstick.  
"Oh," Harry cried thankfully. "I thought you were goint so show me your …package!"  
"You mean you don't want me to?"   
"Malfoy, even if I was gay, I'd never ever go out with you," Harry said, backing towards the door.  
Draco froze.  
"Is this some sort of game?" He spat.  
"What game?" Harry cried.  
"You make me feel this way and you reject me?" Draco yelled furiously, tears forming in his eyes.  
"I didn't make you feel anything!" Harry protested.  
"Oh come on, you've been toying with my emotions since second year!" Yelled Draco.  
"Oh my god, emotions?" Said Harry, a slight grin coming to his face. "You?" He couldn't help laugh.  
"The way we fight for a snitch in Quidditch…admit it, it makes you horny," Draco sneered, pushing Harry to the ground. Harry was still laughing.  
"Malfoy, people usually play quidditch to win, not to get off," Harry laughed as draco glanced at him looking confused.   
"What game are you talking about?" He asked and Potter's eyes went wide with shock.  
"Oh…you mean you're actually serious!? You're actually…gay?" Harry asked, now very aware that Draco was still pinned on him and was wishing with all his might that he had brought his wand for self defence.  
There was a zip sound effect.  
"Maybe this will change your mind," Draco said and Harry very nearly fainted.  
"For the love of crap, you gotta get off me!" Harry said, going very very pale, shutting his eyes.  
"You mean you're not gay, seriously?" Draco asked.  
"No!" Harry said soberly.  
"You don't swing that way at all?" Draco asked.  
"Definitely not…" Harry said, and Draco rolled off him.  
"Oh come on, this doesn't turn you on one bit?!" Muttered Draco.  
"Put that back where it belongs," Said Harry, still looking away. "It looks like that disgusting sausage thay served at breakfast!"  
There was a reluctant zipping noise, and then suddenly a sharp intake of breath. Draco made a very girly noise under his breath and Harry looked up, bored.  
"What's wrong now?" He asked and Draco turned away from him, flinching.  
"Oh, nothing!" He said in a high pitched voice.  
"Your face is turning bright red!" Harry pointed out.  
"It's my new blush, flatters my malfoy complexion," Draco wheezed, doubling over.  
"Then why are you having trouble breathing?" Harry asked. "It's those pants aren't they, where did you get them?"  
"I got them from a fanfiction clichee garage sale, like them?" He laughed sheepishly.  
"I think they're cutting off your circulation."  
"They're not," Wheezed Draco.  
"Tell me what's wrong then."  
"Alright," He said through gritted teeth. "My broomstick has gotten tangled in the quaffle net."  
"Your what?" Harry asked and Draco rolled his eye.  
"My one eyed snake is stuck in my zipper," He wheezed, falling onto the ground.  
"You what? Speak clearly man!" Harry cried dramatically.  
"Are you some kind of moron? My dick is stuck in my zipper!" Draco cried, his eyes rolling backwards.  
Harry recoiled in hearing Draco say 'dick'.  
" You said the D word!" he cried  
"The pain...urgh..." Muttered malfoy. And to Draco's surprise...Potter started to laugh.  
"Oh come on it can't be that bad, let me see," He said cheerfully.   
Draco looked at him with a watery eye. "Stop laughing!"  
"We need to get you some medical attention, maybe I should get Madam Pomfrey," Harry mocked.  
"NO!"  
Harry continued to laugh.  
"Fine, I'll show you!" Draco growled reluctantly.  
Harry looked down.  
"SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!" He cried, backing away looking terrified.  
"No one can know about this except for you and me," Draco cried pathetically.  
"Pfft, no way!" Harry laughed. "After all the torture you put me through...after all the emotional trauma...Why should i keep it a secret?"  
"Because I'm a sexy bitch."  
"...Hmm," Harry said.  
Of course this was true, because even Harry is not immune to the charms of a true sexy bitch.  
"Alright, maybe I could perform a shrinking charm on it," Harry said, rolling up his sleeves.  
"ARE YOU INSANE!?" Draco howled.  
"Yeah you're right, it's already small enough...i've seen bigger on House elves." Harry said quietly.  
"Small enough....SMALL ENOUGH!? HOUSE ELVES!?" Yelled Draco desperately.  
"Well…they walk around in nothing but togas made out of tea towels for Merlin's sake!" Harry cried, looking embarassed.   
They were silent for a while, trying to think about something to do.  
"Are you sure you don't swing that way?" Draco whined.  
"Yes, you should find someone who actually wants to go out with you," Harry pointed out with annoyance.  
"No one does, everyone hates me." Draco said sadly.  
"Well yes that's true," Harry pointed out with a grin.  
"Shut up!"  
"You could get a really stupid boyfriend…how about Goyle or Crabbe?"  
"Well jeez it's no secret that they're with each other."   
"Er how about ...er..."  
"Excuse me but i'm in a large ammount of pain and i would be very grateful if you'd HELP ME!" Yelled Draco.  
"Look, I suggested the shrinking charm, it's not my fault if you refuse to consider it," Harry said warningly.  
"I happen to need my broomstick thankyou very much, unlike some Griffindors who I happen to know I actually have a sex life!" Draco cried.  
"I do have a sex life!" Harry cried.  
"Oh please, this is coming from the scarhead who refuses to admit he's gay," Draco muttered.  
"I am not gay!" Harry sighed with exasperation.  
"If you're not gay then how come you've never been with a girl before?" Draco asked.  
"I've been with Cho Chang and she's a girl!" Harry pointed out.  
"She doesn't count," Draco said breezingly.  
"Why not?" Harry asked angrily.  
"Cos she looks like a guy!" Draco said triumphantly.  
"She does not!" Harry pointed out. "You just want her to because you're a stupid fag!"  
"Ouch," Crooned Draco.  
"Look, i'm just going to pull the zip down okay," Said Harry, desperately trying to avoid Draco's flirty eye.  
"Ohh, straight to the point are we?" And then he screamed.  
"Stop being such a cry baby," He finished…but it was too late, Draco had fainted.  
"Oh, he's dead." Harry said quietly, but he couldn't help grin. "What a shame."  
Unfortunately this was when Ron Weasley happened to show up.  
"Harry, Hermione said you had a detention up here…are you done yet?" A very obnoxious voice cried. "Harry, can I come in?  
"Yeah sure."  
Ron walked in and waved to Harry. His eyes then stared at the floor.  
"Oh my…" He muttered, averting his eyes. "This must be a really horrible detention!!"  
"Long story short, Draco's gay and now he's dead," Harry said, shrugging his shoulders.  
"Okay, let's chuck his body into the lake and flee to Scotland!" Ron said quickly.  
"We can't just leave him here, we'll get in trouble!" Harry cried and Malfoy groaned, sitting up.  
"Is…is this who you've…chosen instead of …me, Harry?" He said weakly, and Ron looked at them both.  
"What the hell?" He cried and Draco sobbed dramatically.  
"You're supposed to be dead!" Said Harry, looking scandalised.  
"Oh Gee I'm sorry it's an inconvenience," Said Draco.  
"You're seriously hurt and extremely delerious, we need to get you to the hospital wing," Harry said, as calmly as possible.  
"You mean to tell me, that injury was caused by his zipper?" Ron said, bursting out laughing. "Take THAT Malfoy!"  
"Weasley, i'm still as threatening as i ever was!" Retaliated Draco, pointing at him threateningly. "...Er...your mother is so fat that the wizardring weather association names her anal gas releases!"  
"Well you're a stupid fag," Ron said scathingly.  
"Why are you all calling me a fag? I should tell Father that you're harassing me for my sexual preferences!" Draco cried dramatically.  
"Daddy boy," Ron sneered.  
"If he doesn't stop you two, I'm going to sue Potter for everything he's worth." Said Draco gleefully.  
"He really has gone delusional," Ron remarked with an amused look on his face.  
"I think it's from the loss of prescious dick blood," Draco said quietly.  
"He looks really bad," Harry remarked.  
"Maybe we should dump him outside Madame Pomfreys office and run away," Ron said.  
"Good plan," Harry said, grabbing Malfoy's legs.  
"Or we could just leave him here and have a snowball fight outside!" Cried Ron hopefully.  
"Alright! I'll tell Dobby to pick him up later," Harry said joyfully and the two boys ran outside, skipping and holding hands…or maybe that was some sort of dillusion Draco was seeing.  
"How could you…" Draco muttered, fainting again.  
  
****  
  
A week passed, a dull potions week where nothing really seemed to happen.  
"Have you two seen Malfoy? He hasn't called me a mud blood for a week now," Hermione said, during a potions lesson.  
"Must you continue to push?" Harry cried psychotically. "Just because two men happened to be alone in the astronomy tower together and there was an accident, doesn't mean anything happenes…will you stop goddamn PUSHING!"  
Hermione stared at him baffled. Yes, baffled.  
Neville, who was already highstrung pissed his pants and had to run off to the hospital wing as Snape appeared like a bat out of hell. Several Griffindor girls fainted, exposing their necks in a very naughty way. Hermione debated on slaying snape, but then she remembered she was not that blonde heroine from a muggle TV show.  
"Listen to me all you pathetic little frog munghers, I am about to say something extremely important…so important it will cause your ear drums to explode," Snape said in his 'I am such a big sleezebag' voice.  
Everyone just continued to ignore him.  
"Listen you little pathetic slithering worms, I'm bringing a new Slytherin and you're not going to screw around with her!" He yelled. "Everybody, meet Mary Sue Malfoy!"  
Everyone in the classroom gasped with horror as a girl walked into the room. A girl so beautiful, so flawless and so wonderful, to look on her would cause your brain to explode.  
"Her breasts are so FAKE!" Hermione said to Lavender.  
"Oh yeah, she's totally had a boob job," She remarked.  
Though Harry didn't think she was that beautiful at all. It was just the silvery long hair that made her look nice. Her face was sort of mannish in his opinion.   
"Whoa, look at her hair!" Remarked Ron in an awed whisper. "It reminds me of...Fleur..."  
They all started drooling like morons because she was a Mary Sue, and it is impossible not to like a Mary Sue. To not like one would destroy the universe.  
You'll know this if you've read as many fics as we have, folks.  
"Hello everyone, I'm a mysterious and beautiful exchange student here to act as a moronic love interest," Mary Sue Malfoy breathed, her voice was like a bell…half the boys immediately passed out.  
"Merlin, I hate it when that happens," Snape said and he revived all the boys with his wand.  
"Sit down Drac…I mean Mary Sue Malfoy before you cause a mass suicide attempt," He drawled sarcastically. "...Not that I really care anyway" He turned on his heel and walked away, his long black robe flying behind him.  
Mary Sue Malfoy stood up and glided towards Harry, a smirk on her face.  
"Hello Harry" Mary Sue Malfoy grinned. Harry gulped, he realized he was sitting next to an actual girl. This never really happened and it was enough to cause anyone to have a panic attack. Of course he had sat next to Hermione but she didn't count because she wasn't as hot as Cho Chang...in his opinion anyway. Ron didn't seem to think the same.  
"Um…hi?" He squeaked. Mary Sue Malfoy squeezed his leg and Harry nearly screamed with horror. This was all too familiar.  
"Malfoy!" He yelled angrily.  
"Yes, Mary Sue Malfoy," She giggled.  
Harry stood up, looking enraged and pulled 'Mary Sue' Malfoy up by the collar and dragged her into another room, locking the door behind them.  
"Malfoy...what are you playing at?" Said Harry in an angry whisper.  
"You know it's not nice to be violent with girls,"  
"Draco I know it's you, you prat! Don't play dumb with me!"  
"Oh my goodness, Harry's bashing up girls!" Lavender cried in the hall hysterically, having heard Harry's yelling.  
"She's not a girl!" Yelled Harry.  
"Yes I am!" Yelled 'Mary Sue' Malfoy.  
Ron seemed to be attracted to Mary Sue and was trying to break into the locked door. Hermione gave him a look of disgust and that's when he remembered that he could use magic to open the door...duh...  
"Alohamora!" He said, as sparks flew out his wand and unlocked the door.  
He opened it and closed it behind them, making sure nobody outside could see or hear inside the room.   
"Oh Mary Sue Malfoy, let me make sweet love to you!" He cried, his arms outstretched.  
"Eeeew I would never…with you, Weasley!" Mary Sue Malfoy cried, slightly panicked.  
"I know you're a veela but i don't care!"  
"Poor Mary Sue, Ron is a terrrible kisser," Lavender said sadly with her ear pressed against the locked door.  
"Wait a second, how do you know that?" Hermione cried.  
Lavender immediately ran out of the room while a very jealous Hermione tried to bash her on the head with her 'Hogwarts - a history' book.  
Inside of the room, Harry was still angry at Draco.  
"How could you do that?" He whispered so no one but Draco would hear. "You...you gave me a...stiff wand!"  
"Really?" Cried Draco extatically. "Oh my God you love me!"  
"I thought you were a girl!" Muttered Harry angrilly. "I like GIRLS! Get it through your thick skull!"  
"I am a girl!" Draco cried happily, prancing around. "I'm Mary Sue Malfoy!"  
"Mary Sue, I love you!" Ron cried, getting on his knees and taking her hand, apparently he didn't hear what 'mary sue' said a few seconds ago.  
"Er…" Draco eeped.  
"Should you tell him or should I?" Harry said, trying to stifle a laugh. After all, his worst enemy was dressed in drag, just waiting to be humiliated. He felt kind of sorry for ron though. He made a promise in his head never to pay him out about it.  
"I have no idea what I saw in you," Draco growled and Ron jumped back with surprise.  
"Darling, you have such a masculine voice," Ron said. "Wha...what?"  
"Ron, I have to tell you something..." Said Harry quietly, looking slightly sympathetic.  
Harry took his wand out, tapped Draco's head and muttered "Repairo".  
Draco screamed and collapsed onto the floor like a maniac.  
"Don't look at me!" He cried as he turned back into a boy, and Pansy's socks fell out of his bra.  
"Oh my god…" Ron said quietly, going green in the face.  
"Sorry Ron." Said Harry.  
Ron began spewing all over the potions floor.  
"Ten points from Griffindor for messing up the dungeons," Snape called.  
"How did he do that, he's in the next room!" Harry said desperately.  
"I heard that Potter, ten points from Griffindor for breathing too loudly!" Snape's voice echoed from down the hall.  
Ron was still vomiting.  
Lavender Brown ran past, being chased by Hermione, as Draco walked outside of the now unlocked room.  
"I knew those boobs were fake!" She cried triumphantly, pointing at Malfoy's socks.  
"Really Malfoy, you should've transfigured your chest, far more realistic," Hermione added, dashing past.  
"Yeah that's what Hermione did," Said Lavender Brown Shrilly.  
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!' Hermione cried, and the two girls ran out of the room.  
"And you prefer those insane bitches to men?" Draco asked curiously, raising an eyebrow.  
Harry looked at him. Draco was serious.  
"Think about it, you'll never know what way you swing until you actually...well test it," He said.  
Harry glanced at Draco, and a million horny fan girls around the world screamed "KISS HIM!!!"  
"For some bizzare reason, girls really seem to like it when two guys get it on." Said one Author.  
"Not us though. We are perfect in every way." Said the other.  
Harry looked at him and realised this was true.  
"...What...what does it...feel like?" He stammered.  
"…Y'know...really good, when you love someone..." Replied Malfoy Seriously.  
"But ... Cho," Harry said.  
"KISS HIM!!!" All the fan girls screamed.  
"Can you hear a bunch of annoying girls screaming?" Harry asked curiously.  
"NO!" Draco snapped, impatiently.  
Ron had stopped vomiting, but much to his horror saw Harry and Draco looking like they were friggin Romeo and Juliet.  
"Harry what are you doing!" Ron yelled hysterically.  
"Ermm I was…buying a sheep!" Harry cried the first thing that came into his head, and ran out of the room as quickly as possible, bright red in the face.  
"Actually he was about to shag me for your big fat information," Draco spat, and if Ron's dinner wasn't already all over the floor he would have thrown up again. "Thanks for wrecking it!" And he stormed out of the room too.  
"Oh my god!" Ron cried, running out after him.  
"Hey what happened to Mary Sue Malfoy!" Cried some of the boys outside the room.  
"I'm Mary Sue!" Draco cried.  
And because this is the world of slash, dear readers…it is impossible to have a single male present at any time.  
"Oooo even better!" All the boys giggled like a bunch of blouse wearing pansies.  
Allthough Goyle and Crabbe came up to him and said "Huhhh great joke Draco!"  
"Yeahh you really embarassed that Potter freak!"  
"Er...Yeah, joke," Said Draco. "It was all a joke!" He sniffed sadly, and then burst into tears.  
"Fifty points from Griffindor for making Draco cry," Snape droned evily and looked over his shoulder. "Oh wait, he's not here," He said and felt like crying himself. For as most of you know Snape is an evil dominatrix and he loves to torment harry.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile poor little Ron Weasley was sitting in a corner sniffling pathetically. For one thing, he was attracted to a girl who turned out to really be a guy, and then it all got very confusing. Suddenly he was hit on the head by something very very hard, which turned out to be Hermione's copy of 'Hogwarts - a history'.   
"Dammit Granger, you hit your boyfriend on the head!" Lavender's voice cried.  
"Well maybe if you didn't move so much you fat cow I would have hit you instead!" Hermione cried.  
"Fat!" Yelled Lavender. "Excuse ME!"  
"Um…I think I'm…in pain…" Ron winced, woozingly.  
"Mcgonnagal's going to kill us for this," Lavender said shrilly.  
"Oh no, we'll just tell her that Ron was sexually harassing us and we had to protect ourselves. It's a bi-law in Hogwarts - a history," Hermione said, leaning down. She looked at poor woozy Ron and couldn't help grinning a little. He was still adorable.  
"Oh dear…I think I might be gay," Ron said in a little voice, his mind suffering horribly from the concussion. He was of course thinking of the Mary Sue Malfoy incident.  
"WHAT!" Hermione screamed hysterically and immediately fainting from shock.   
Lavender Brown stared at both of the unconscious bodies, a frightened expression on her girly-girl face.  
"Oh dear," She said, smacking her perfectly painted lips together. 


	2. Play that Funky music white boy

CHAPTER TWO  
  
By Heather and Vivenne  
  
A/N This chapter is completally   
Insane , and for some reason  
word pad wont let me write a  
A/N   
  
It was a disasterous situation. One which put all the females in the Griffindor tower in Jeopardy. Drastic action had to be taken before it esculated into a world wide disaster.  
"Girls," Said Lavender brown, self spoken air-head of Griffindor. "We have a situation." She said firmly, pounding her squeaky toy gavel against a wooden desk.  
"You mean they switched our quilted toilet paper to generic again?" Ginny Weasley cried.  
"Or Mcgonnagal refuses to let us wear as many earrings as we want?" Lavender's best friend Parvati Patil asked.  
"No, It's much worse than that," Lavender said darkly.  
The female members of the Griffindor quidditch team gasped with shock.  
"You mean they're not letting girls play on the teams anymore?" Katie Bell cried.  
"No, there's more to life than sport, you dykes!" Lavender said, rather rudely. "The situation could mean the end of our lives as we know it, girls…all the boys are turning gay." Lavender said Dramatically.  
"You mean they're happy?" Parvati asked.  
"That's a good thing isn't it?" Asked Angelina Johnson.  
"No, I mean they are all turning into disco-loving, Celestina-Warbeck-ticket-holding-drag queens!" Lavender cried.  
Everyone gasped with shock.  
"Even Harry?" Ginny asked, nearly fainting.  
"Especially Harry! I saw him with Draco in potions," Said Parvati.  
"Oh...Harry!" Cried Ginny, covering her face with her hands, starting to sob.  
"At this rate girls, we'll have no boyfriends at all!" Parvati cried hysterically.   
"It's our fault, these uniforms are hardly flattering…no wonder the boys are all preferring to ride broomsticks rather than carpets!" Katie Bell cried.  
"It's not our fault we have to wear these uniforms!" Sobbed Ginny, her face stained with tears.   
"The only sollution is if we make them straight again!" Cried Lavender.  
"Well…duh," Said Parvati.  
"We have to talk to Mcgonnagal in order to get the uniforms changed, the world is at stake!" Lavender cried.  
"If all the boys are gay, there will be no babies, and if there are no babies then all the witches and wizards will die out!" Ginny squeaked, sucking her thumb.  
They all stared at her.  
"I think we all knew that Ginny," Lavender said kindly.  
"I miss Harry," She sobbed quietly.  
"First of all, we have to comfort one of our members whose boyfriend recently changed," Parvati said seriously, looking at Hermione, who was looking glumly into the fireplace. It was strange how the dancing red flames reminded her of his vivid weasley hair.  
"Okay, we'll do that," Said Hermione quietly. "And when it doesn't work, we'll charm the boys into thinking otherwise."  
The whole room was quiet.  
"Wow Hermione, that's a good idea," Said Lavender, looking a bit bimbo-ish compared to her. "For a nerd, you're pretty smart."  
The whole room rolled their eyes except for Hermione herself who was still crying softly by the fire.  
"Maybe that's my problem, maybe I wasn't hot enough to keep Ron…you saw Malfoy, his jugs were bigger than mine!" Hermione sobbed.  
"His jugs were a pair of rolled up socks, Herm," Lavender pointed out, kindly.  
"Maybe it's a good thing, after all, you said he was a horrible kisser," Hermione said sadly.  
"NO! Never give up on your dreams Hermione! Never give up on the weasel!" All the girls cried.  
Lavender looked a little sheepish but she grinned at Hermione who grinned back.  
"Okay girls, we don't have much time," Said Lavender, the undisputed leader of the girls. "Let's get cracking."  
  
***  
  
Harry was walking down the halls to his Transfiguration lesson.  
Draco was right. What if Harry really was gay and didn't know it? He had never really...experimented before. Of course he had never driven a car before, or eaten a dragon before, or blown Draco…ack he wasn't going to think about those things! He was NOT GAY, period! And that was that.  
Ron was running up behind him and finally caught up.  
"Harry, um I need to talk to you," He said, a very scared expression on his face.  
"Ron have you gotten your shirt caught in your zipper again?" Harry asked patiently.  
"No... can you keep a secret?" Ron asked.  
"Er.. ok sure," Harry said, shrugging his shoulders.  
"I think I'm attracted to.." Ron began and whispered in Harrys ear.  
"WHAT!?!" Harry cried. "Why would you be telling me this? Why would you tell anyone this?"  
"But Harry, wait!" Ron cried pathetically.  
"He's Draco Malfoy!" Harry reminded him. "He tourmented us for four whole books!"  
"Hey, you seem to like him as well!" Ron said desperately.  
"I do not," Harry muttered but he immediately blushed right red. "Ron, I suggest you go find Hermione now and kiss the gay right out of you," Harry said.  
"But…I don't think I like her anymore…"  
"How could you not like Hermione?" Harry protested. "She'd do anything for you!"  
"No she wouldn't," Said Ron annoyingly. "She's a stupid know it all."  
"Well you're just scared because she's the man in the relationship."  
"Shut up!"  
Ron looked around to make sure nobody was watching.  
"You're just ashamed to be my friend because you can't handle who I really am!" Ron said dramatically.  
"I'm not!" Harry began.  
"You're a homophobic Harry! That's what you are!" Ron cried in his british accent.  
"WHAT!" Harry shouted, he had never imagined for a second that he could be a homophobic.  
"You so are!" Ron said angrily, pointing in his face.  
"I am not a homophobic! I love gay people - I mean I love women - I mean I love boobies!" Harry yelled, looking flustered. "I LIKE BREASTS!"  
"You're also a sexist pig, you shouldn't love women because of their boobies," Ron pointed out.  
"I…I mean," Harry cried. Several girls walked past.  
"Sexist asshole," Said Susan Bones.  
"He's probably a fag," Retorted Hanna Abbot and the two Hufflepuffs continued to walk away. There was a very small cough… Harry looked up and saw Professor Snape staring down at him.  
"Mr Potter, my office…now." He said, testidly.  
  
*****  
  
Professor Mcgonnagal was drinking tea, which is all that British women seem to bloody do. She sipped her Earl Grey tea and imagined the sight of Remus Lupin dancing around in a pair of boxers to the song "Play that funky music white boy"…but let's not get into that. The doors burst open and over three hundred teenage girls swarmed into her office. Minerva was forced to transform into a cat to get out of the way, and she jumped onto her closet where she unfortunately got stuck.  
"Professor Mcgonnagal," Said Lavender in a shrill yet important voice. "We need different uniforms NOW!"  
Professor Mcgonnagal who had transformed back into a human, sat on top of her wardrobe, an annoyed expression on her face.  
"Why miss Brown, you can purchase new uniforms at Diagon Alley," She said calmly.  
"No, we need new designs for our uniforms, these ones make us look like we escaped from a Nunnary!" Said Lavender.  
"There's a reason behind these uniforms Miss Brown, without them half of Hogwarts would end up pregnant… unfortunately most wizards have no idea how to use a condom," Professor Mcgonnagal replied seriously. "Besides, Nuns are good. Nuns don't get pregnant and ruin their lives."  
All the girls looked at Professor Mcgonnagal solemly.  
"I'm sorry to hear that, Professor Mcgonnagal," Said Hermione sadly. "I won't tell anyone.  
Half of the girls didn't understand what Hermione meant because they're all 2D bimbos anyway.  
"The uniforms are causing the other half of Hogwarts to turn extremely gay!" Pansy Parkinson cried. "My Draco has started wearing my pants for Merlin's sake!"  
"We have no hope of snatching the boys on our own, JK Rowling has given all of us extremely boring personalities!" Lavender said.  
Minerva, who was written to be a stuck up witch with a pole up her ass noded.  
"Very true," She admitted, scratching her chin.  
"And if all the boys turn gay, then the wizardring world's population will suffer," Lavender said, and Ginny stepped forward with several pie graphs.  
"Judging by these statistics, at this rate all males at Hogwarts will be homosexual by the end of 2004," Ginny said seriously.  
"I hope you realise that Hogwarts isn't the only school," Said Mcgonnagal sternly. "There are alot of other schools out there who will be straight."  
The girls were quiet.  
"Yeah well...Aww Come onnn!" Cried Lavender. "We have PIE GRAPHS!"  
"Those schools aren't as good as Hogwarts, Professor Mcgonnagal," Said Hermione seriously. "Hogwarts in fact has the most powerful male sperm samples in the world."  
"Yes I know, Ron was powerful..." Said Lavender wistfully.   
"WHAT!" Yelled Hermione, looking enraged.  
"I will not change the uniforms and that is final," Said Mcgonnagal. "Now please leave the room and get on with your homework."  
"Professor, it might spread to the teaching staff!" Lavender said enticingly, her eyes on the framed photo of Remus Lupin.  
Professor Mcgonnagal's eyes widened with shock.  
"Really?" She choked.  
"I think I saw Lupin with Sirius Black the other day," Hermione said dreamingly.  
Professor Mcgonnagal was horrified and fell off her chair.  
"SIRIUS BLACK!" All the girls screamed in horror.  
"He's good now!" Hermione snapped, impatiently.  
"Oh that's allright then," Pansy Parkinson said sarcastically.  
"Girls, I've considered your situation and well…perhaps a small change in the uniforms might be allowed. I will talk to professor Dumbledore about this change in the boys hearts and see what he thinks." Mcgonnagal said, reluctantly.  
"Ohh thankyou so much!!" Cried Lavender.  
"Yes thankyou!!" Squealed Ginny.  
All the girls started squealing and ran out of the room.  
Professor Mcgonnagal sighed, and got down over to her desk, finishing her tea. She picked up the photo of Lupin. Angsty adorable men were just...irrisistible.  
  
****  
  
Voldemort cackled evily. He was very good at cackling, he got ten out of ten at evil adult education for it. For you see, Voldemort had a plan. A very vendictive evil smelly belly plan. Because he was well, evil.  
"Does this plan involve making all the towels in a five star hotel wet, because it's really annoying when you get out of the shower and the towels are wet," Peter Pettigrew whined in a very annoying voice.  
"No, be quiet I'm thinking of evil things," Voldemort snapped impatiently.  
"Do you know what would be great? If you like rigged all the televisions on the world so they broke when the world soccer match is about to end," Said Pettigrew.  
"You suck at being evil," Said Voldemort.   
Peter Pettigrew pouted and ran off to go freak out customers in a french restaurant by turning into a rat and runing around in their food.  
"My Lord," Lucius said, performing a very impressive macarena. He hated the Dark Lord's new 'secret handshake'.   
"Yes, Lucius?"  
"Not that I would ever contradict you sir, but why does your plan for world domination involve making Harry Potter gay?" Lucious asked.  
"Because if he's gay, he'll never have any children and if he never has any children there will never be another heir to Griffindor!" Voldemort cried melodramatically.  
The death eaters looked at him, rather confused.  
"And because everyone hates gay people."  
"Oh," they all said.  
"Really?" Asked Lucius, looking uncomfortable. "Why don't we just kill him? You know, walk behind him and hit him on th head with a brick."  
"Because this way, he'll die sad and alone from old age and no one will blame me for his death!" Voldemort muttered evily.  
"I still don't see why we can't kill him," Lucius replied.  
Voldemort growled with frustration. Idiots! Fools! None of them could see his pure salty goodness. Not that he would want them to. Well…maybe Lucius…just once…  
"My Lord, your spell has had some unfortunate repercussions," Said Lucius gravely. "It seems that instead of making Potter gay, it is making every male in the entire school gay."  
"The charm we placed on Harry made him immune to the spell, eventually Harry will be the only straight male at Hogwarts!" Said another Death Eater.  
"Oh who cares, the more dying the better," Said Voldemort with a casual flick of his hand  
"Voldemort, that means my son will be gay!" Lucius said.  
"Your son was a fag anyway," Voldemort said.  
"That remark is somewhat homophobic," Crabbe pointed out.  
"Not when it is said by a homosexual," Voldemort replied by accident.  
"I love you Voldemort and I want to have your baby!" Cried Lucius suddenly.  
And all the death eaters started crying with emotion and leaning down to kiss his feet.  
  
***  
  
Tick tick tick went the clock in Snape's office. Harry's eyes darted from side to side nervously, he was convinced without a doubt that he was going to die. Snape loomed above him, his cape billowing black. Snape was very good at looming, infact he had taken a teaching course in it.  
Wow, this had been some week. He had been pinned to a wall by a gay Draco, found out that his best friend was gay, and was questioning his own sexuality. And now he was locked in a room being glared at by his least favourite teacher. He hated to think where this was going.  
"Professor, er…what did I do wrong?" Harry asked tentively.  
"You were being prejudiced Potter," Snape said very snidely, snapping a leather whip against his desk. Harry realised Snape was looking very much like a kinky YMCA boy as he backed away, absoloutely terrified.  
"What are you going to do?" He squeaked.  
"Punish you," Snape growled as he cracked the whip once again, a hungry expression in his eyes.  
"I...er..." Harry stuttered, looking terrified. "Isn't that illegal?"  
"In many schools yes," Said Snape. "Although this is one of them I enjoy bending the rules." He leant forward and Harry visually imagined being violated by a sick perverted bastard.  
"Please, I'm only a young boy with baby bottom smooth skin," Harry squealed.  
"What?" Snape cried flabbergasted. "I was going to send you to Hagrid on order to walk his damn flobberworms!"   
Harry breathed again, very relieved.  
"Thankyou Professor Snape!" He said desperately. Harry shut his mouth in surprise at thanking Professor Snape for something and after a small silence he got the hell out of there before anything else could go wrong.  
"But seeing as you have such a perverted mind, perhaps something else is nessesary," Snape snapped, but it was too late, Harry had vanished.  
"Damn!" Spat Snape. He debated on whether he should go after him, but under his robes his short shorts were too restricting and he could hardly move. He merely frowned to himself and turned around.  
"You still in there Lupin?" He asked.  
"Punish me professor!" A werewolf's voice growled from underneath his desk.  
Harry ran as fast as he could. This all was getting too weird, he had to find Hermione. She was probably the only person he knew that was making sense in the whole damn school.  
  
***  
  
Hermione was depressed and feeling somewhat suicidal. She was perched on the arm rest of a chair, and over the past hour and a half she had been devouring entire blocks of chocolate. When Harry ran in, his shoes practically on fire, he found the wretched girl crying her eyes out with a sticky chocolate rim around her mouth.  
Most uncharacteristic but hey it's our story, if you don't like it, deal with it.  
"Hermione!" He cried, stopping before her chair. "I need to ...what's wrong?"  
"Ron's…Ron's GAY!" Hermione cried.   
"Yes, I knew that all along sadly," Said Harry, shaking his head.  
"Don't you get it Harry? I've been plotting to snag Ron for months! If I marry Ron I'll be in a pure blood family and no one will be able to call me a mudblood anymore!" Hermione said solemly.  
"You mean you only want Ron because you don't like people insulting you?" Harry asked.  
"He also has a hot ass," Hermione said, munching up more chocolate.  
"Hmm true," Harry agreed and suddenly slapped his hand over his mouth…what the hell was he saying?  
"Oh no, you've switched sides too…poor Ginny," Hermione said in a sarcastic tone of voice.  
"Very funny," Said Harry sarcastically.  
"Well it's not my fault that Ron's gay and I have to eat all this chocolate to try cheer myself up!" Cried Hermione. "This whole week's been a complete disaster!"  
"That's what i've been wanting to talk to you about," Said Harry. "Do you know why everybody's turning gay?"  
Hermione glared at him. Harry felt somewhat intimidated.  
"If I knew what was going on do you think I'd be here stuffing myself with chocolate?" She cried shrilly. "Professor Mcgonnagal makes us girl dress like a bunch of nuns, if I was you I would turn gay too!"  
"So I take it that girls aren't turning lesbian?" Muttered Harry hastily. But then again in his opinion it wouldn't be bad to watch Cho and one of her friends…anyway…  
"No the girls aren't lesbians, well except for Millicent Bullstrode and Hannah Abott…but what those do together is none of my business," Hermione replied.  
Harry who was still musing about Cho wasn't paying attention. Hermione rolled her eyes.  
"What is it with guys and the perverted idea of two witches 'doing a spell' together?" Hermione asked.  
"Sometimes when I think about two girls doing a spell I get all excited and then I do a spell by myself," Harry giggled.  
"I ...didn't need to know that," Said Hermione quietly.  
"Hey, I'm honest," Harry said, shrugging his shoulders.  
"Well your honesty is annoying, why don't you try this touchy feely crap on Draco?" Hermione asked sarcastically.  
"No." Harry said.  
"I know that you like him, it's so obvious," Hermione stated.  
Harry blushed bright red. "I do NOT!" He shrieked.  
"Do to!"  
"Do not!"  
"To to!"  
"Do not!"  
"Do to…oh screw this, we're both being very immature and it's not helping Ron," Hermione said.  
"Maybe if you run up and kiss him or something," Harry said.  
"I'm not on kissing terms with him," Hermione said stubbornly.  
"Please? I want my friend back!" Harry winced.  
Hermione was silent.  
"NOT THAT WAY!" He yelled.  
"No." Said Hermione, crossing her arms and turning her back to him.  
"Fine," Said Harry, a mischeivous grin coming to his face. "I'll go find Lavender."  
For some reason this seemed to motivate Hermione who reluctantly agreed.  
"Fine I'll do it, Lavender's a whore," Hermione said as-a-matter-of-factly, and stood up.  
"I heard that!" Cried a voice in the background that nobody heard.  
"Are you sure you can make ron straight?" Harry cried.  
"Well I have to get rid of this stupid uniform but yes, I think I can." Said Hermione.  
  
***  
  
"Allright girls, take it from the top," Lavender called from her director's chair. She was launching the second stage of her plan, it was her theory that the uniforms were not enough. What was needed was an incredibly sexy entrance into the great hall.  
"Are you sure this is a good idea Lavy, maybe we should accept the boys for who they are!" Parvati whined self righteously.  
"Parvati, shame on you!" Scolded Lavender. "What about our darling Seamus? We can't let him get with Dean Thomas can we?"  
"Okay you win.."  
"Actually Seamus would never get with Dean," Said Ginny, and everyone looked at her. "…Dean has really bad zits!"  
"Whatever," Said Lavender, motioning to her right where there was a curtain. "Come on out Pansy!"  
Pansy walked out. "I want to wear more makeup!" She shrieked, though she was wearing so much lipstick she looked like Bozo the clown…in Hermione's opinion anyway. Pansy's dress was short and black with high boots  
"Pansy, no one wears red lipstick anymore, it's all about peach gloss this season!" Lavender growled. Pansy looked like a cross between a cow and a drag queen. Lavender groaned. This wasn't working at all.  
"Girls, have we managed to choreograph our entrance yet?" She asked.  
"They're still fighting over the music," Ginny said. "They can't decide between 'play that funky music white boy' or that song from Moulin Rouge."   
"Ginny, just so you know, you're really annoying," Lavender said sweetly.  
"You're evil," Muttered Ginny.  
"Come on, try another practise," Said Parvati. "How about you Lavender?"  
"Allright.." Said Lavender.  
Lavender walked behind the curtain as Parvati turned on a radio, booming with Moulin Rouge music. How they know that Moulin Rouge exists is anyone's guess…well actually Hermione had the sound track. She had muggle parents after all.  
"This is the last time I let them root through my CD collection," Hermione muttered darkly.  
"How did we get a CD player anyway?" Parvati asked, swivelling her hips.  
"All crappy fan fics have a CD player or a computer at some point, they never acknowlage that electricity doesn't work at Hogwarts," Hermione said.  
Before anyone could agree, Lavender sashayed into the room with utmost grace, all the girls staring at her with admiration.  
"Ohh my gosh, I'm being admired!" Breathed Lavender. "I'm not a bimbo anymore!"  
"Wow, you've been given a personality, and all it took was for every male in Hogwarts to turn into flamboyant homosexuals." Said Ginny Sarcastically. Ginny has obviously been written as a cynical little cow, hell we're sick of her being so sweet and innocent.  
"Wow, we have personalities!!" Yelled a very butch Parvati.  
"I now have an urge to get with my friend Casey!" Cried Cho Chang.  
"Harry, stay out of the descriptions!" Said the older Author after Cho's outburst.  
"I want to take up Ballet!" Yelled Alicia Spinett.  
"And I have just realised that I come from a pure blood family who lives in Brentford, my father sells cauldrons and my mother's a solicitate, My favourite colour's blue and I love horse riding because it makes you horny," Lavender said all in one go.  
Everyone looked at her.  
"It's true! Why else do you think those girls spend all their time broomstick flying?" Lavender said, pointing to the female members of the quidditch team.  
"Having something between your legs is fun when there are no real men around," Angelina Johnson said, who looked uncomfortable.  
There was a thougtful pause.  
"Maybe we should just let the guys turn gay, and buy some broomsticks," Said Pansy sourly.  
"Buying a broomstick requires less effort then putting those godawfull boots!" Parvati agreed, falling over.  
"No! Because if the guys turn gay then we'll never be able to manipulate anyone!" Lavender cried. "We won't ever be able to get them to do what we want!"  
The girls all agreed, after all if the guys were no longer attracted to them it would mean no more fabulous gifts and romantic dates. Though it would also mean no demeaning groveling if the said boys ever cheated on them.  
Suddenly someone ran into the great hall…it was that lesbian, Hannah Abbot!  
"Harry's been taken to Snape's office!" She cried.  
"No!" Cried Ginny, bursting into tears.  
"Why do you care, you're a lesbian!" Lavender pointed out.  
"I am not! Why does everyone keep saying that!" She yelled.  
Hannah Abbot stormed into the room, she was annoyed because everyone thought she was a lesbian just because she had short hair. But all of the girls in this story have already proven on numerous occasions that they are stupid.  
"Look, Harry's stuck inside a room with an evil dominatrix!" Said Hannah Abbot.  
"He isn't anymore," Said Hermione. "And I'm relying on this stupid meeting to help him!"  
"We're trying as hard as we can!" Cried Angelina Johnson, in charge of the costumes.  
"It's not our fault that everything comes in black or grey," Lavender said.  
"Actually I like the cute schoolgirl skirts," Said a third year Ravenclaw, though nobody paid attention.  
"Didn't I say before that this idea wouldn't work?" Said Hermione. "Our only hope is charming the boys now."  
"That's what we're trying to do!" Cried bimbo/butch Parvati.  
"I mean charm them with a SPELL!" Cried Hermione. "We're in a school for witches and wizards! Honestly!!"  
The whole room was silent.  
"Why didn't I think of that!" Squealed Cho's friend Casey.  
"Don't listen to her!" Lavender screamed.  
"If you put a spell on someone who's under a spell it turns out in to this huge spelly pile of spelly stuff." Said Hannah Abbott.  
"Everyone, if we charm the boys then they'll follow us around constantly like a bunch of sick little monkeys…we have to get them on our own."  
"Wait a second, how do you know the boys are under a spell?" Parvati asked Hannah.  
"Um…it's obvious?" Hannah said.  
"But I'm the smart one!" Yelled Hermione "I'm always right!"  
"When it comes to books yes, but when it comes to boys you haven't got a damn clue," Said Lavender.  
"Well what are we going to do then, we're making absoloutely no progress!" Screeched Ginny.  
"We'll have to bring out the heavy artillery," Said Lavender gravely. "Girls…we need to consult the Weasley twins!" She cried, punching her fists into the air.  
And one of the authors went nuts because she loves the Weasley Twins.  
"No!!" Cried Angelina. "They can't be gay can they?"  
"PLEASE, they're my brothers! They're so immature I bet they don't even know what sex is," Ginny pointed out.  
"Oh yes they do..." Giggled Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinett.  
"…Eew." Said Ginny.  
"There's only one way to find out," Said Lavender. "And that's...to find them."  
"...was that supposed to sound dramatic because that sounded stupid."  
"Shut up Parvati!  
  
***  
  
Ron was upset and angsty for once. He had gone to Hogsmeade because every slash fic has the characters go to Hogsmeade at some point. Poor Ronnie had stuffed himself with Honeydukes candy and was now filling himself with butterbeer, attempting to see how much he could drink before he'd puke. He was a very sad little panda. He was in a gay world where people hated homosexuals which was ridiculous because the hatred of homosexuals came from religious ideology and wizards were not religious. If anything the wizards should be like the ancient greeks, filled with swinging gay people. But everyone seems to ignore that fact. Mainly because scenes filled with persecution are so much fun to write! They're filled with angst and all sorts of neat things.  
"Beer," He grunted to Madam Rosmerta.  
"Aren't you only fifteen?" She asked.  
"So?" He growled.  
"So it's illegal to sell alcohol to minors, you child," She said, marching off.  
"But I'm adorable!" He sniffed.  
"True i guess," Said Madam Rosmerta. "Which kind would you like?"  
"The kind that makes you go uhhh i'm drunk and yeah," He said with a loud burp.  
"One glass of Coca Cola coming up!  
Ron sniffed the non-magical muggle beverage suspiciously.  
"Are you sure this will drown my sorrows?" He asked. But nonetheless he took the glass and skulled it down.  
"Aaack it burns my throat!" Ron shrieked. "I love it!"  
Needless to say, five minutes later he was literally bouncing around the pub screaming hysterically.  
"The sugar always hits them 'ard," Rosmerta said to her favourite customer Hagrid.  
"Can't you see I'm pissed, you stupid woman!?" Hagrid growled before fainting on the floor. That Hagrid, what a character…no one seems to notice he uses beer to solve all his problems. Ha ha ha.  
Ron was now on top of the bar singing loudly "the wizards Knobb has no end!"  
"Is he the entertainment?" Cornelious Fudge asked.  
"No, not really," Replied Rosmerta as Ron ripped off his shirt and threw it at several screaming fourth year girls.  
"Oh, he's surprisingly good," The minister of magic said, turning bright red.  
"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!" Sang Ron in his british accent.  
"That's probably why he took it off," Rosmerta mused.  
Malfoy just happened to be in the same bar because this happened to be a day full of stupid clichees meerly grunted. He then realised that he had not entered the pub in an overly dramatic way! How embarassing! He imediately left the bar as descretely as possible.  
"Where's he going?" Asked Cornelius.  
"He's going to enter in an overly dramatic way, all the Malfoys seem to do that," Rosmerta replied.  
The doors slammed back, there was a roll of thunder. Ron stopped singing in mid "IIIIIEEE".  
Draco stood silhouetted in the door way, and there was a mighty crash of thunder. He looked so sexy, so wonderful, just to look upon him would cause a heart attack.  
"Everyone put on your sunglasses!" Rosmerta called.  
Immediately everybody put on glasses protecting themselves from Draco's super sexy power. Those who didn't have sunglasses hid under tables. Ron who was totally smashed just waved his arm carelessly as if he was playing a guitar and fell over.  
"I have just entered this pub in a highly dramatic fashion!" Draco declared to the universe in general. His eyes fell on Ron who was still pretending to play the guitar on the floor. "You, weasley, stand up! We need to talk!" He growled.  
"Nierr Nierrr nerrrr nerrrrr!!!!" Yelled Ron, attempting to make Guitar noises.  
"Weasley, up now, or I'll curse you until you can barely breathe," Draco said. Reluctantly Ron got up, still making "nierr" noises under his breath. He approached Draco in drunken giggles.  
"Are …yah…gonnaaa kill me?" Ron giggled hysterically, still on a sugar high.  
"No, I need to talk to you about a certain Griffindor we both know," Draco muttered solemly.  
"Are ya gonna kill harry? Cos then he would be dead and if he was dead he wouldn't be alive and then he wouldn't breathe and that would be bad!" Ron managed to say all in one go.  
"Well the thing is," Said Draco, interrupting.  
"Heyy buddy you should have some drink of stuff with me!" Said Ron tipsily. "This stuff ith reeeall good!"  
"You have to help me get Potter!" Draco cried, but Ron shoved a glass full of coke under his face. "Black and fizzy...I've never seen Ale or Mead like that before," Muttered Draco, sniffling through the tears in his eyes.  
"C'monn...hava drinkk!" Said Ron, looking slightly dizzy.  
"It's very popular amongst the muggles," Rosmerta said, thumping the glass in front of him. Draco glanced around suspiciously and took a tentive sip.  
"No one drink this! IT TASTES LIKE PISS!" Draco cried. "…I LOVE IT!"  
"Yeaaa that's tha spirit!" Cried Ron in his british accent, absent-mindedly running back to the stage to finish his Air Guitar solo.  
Draco was ordering more and more Coca Cola by the minute. There were some people around his table chanting "CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!"  
Lavender Brown and the other girls eyed him suspiciously.  
"Wow, who knew that a muggle caffine based drink could be so popular," Said Rosmerta, cleaning a large tankard with a cloth.  
"Does he realise he's drank enough Coke to induce a diabetic coma?" Parvati asked her ravenclaw friend.  
"It's black and fizzy," Said Lavender. "You'd have to be nuts to drink that."  
"I've heard that in America they have tanks full of Coke in police head quarters so that they can clean blood off of streets with it?" Said a third year Hufflepuff.  
And all the girls giggled except Hermione the muggle born who informed them that this was actually true.   
"EEEEWW!" Screamed Lavender, although nobody heard.  
"Oh well let them drink it, they're not paying attention to us," Said Parvati with her nose in the air.  
"It also makes a very strong toilet cleaner," Said Hermione truthfully.  
"Shut up!" Cried Lavender.  
"You do realize that's your boyfriend dancing on the stage?" Hannah asked Hermione.  
"Oh yes, nice to know he has to turn gay before he even considers dancing in public," Hermione snarled sarcastically.  
"Oh my god! Draco's jumped up on the stage with him!" Ginny squealed.  
"Ginny, you're not supposed to be in here, you're under age," Lavender pointed out.  
"Yeah get out Ginny," The other girls yelled. Sniffing with sadness Ginny walked out of the pub sadly.  
They all watched in horror as the 'play the funky music white boy' song started blaring out of nowhere. All the girls stared at Rosmerta.  
"We installed a juke box a few weeks ago for the tourists," Rosmerta explained. "To give it a 'muggle' feel."  
"I thought this place was charmed to play random music," Said Hermione angrily. "Why does every fanfic have to have a damn loophole!?"   
"Because the authors like this song, shut up!" Parvati replied.  
Draco and Ron marched onto a makeshift stage (made out of two tables propped up against the far wall) and started shakin' their butts in time with the music.  
"Hey, I was once a funky singer, playin in a rock and roll band!" Ron squeeled, shaking his hips.  
"I never had no problems, burning in the one night stand!" Draco cried, ripping his shirt off.  
Cornelius Fudge jumped onto the bar and sang at the top of his lungs.   
"Yeah they were dancing and singing and movin' to the grovin' and when it hit me somebody turned around and," Suddenly realised what he was doing and looked very embarassed.  
"Play that funky music white boy!" The girls sang at the top of their lungs, marching towards the two boys.  
"Play that funky music right!" The two boys sang wiggling their butts, and the girls very nearly fainted from shock.  
"Play that funky music white boys!" The girls hollared, and it looked like it was a competition to prove who was a better singer. You know like in Goldmember with Britney Spears…  
"Lay down and boogie and play that funky music til you die!" They both screamed at each other. Suddenly, everyone in the bar began to dance perfectly in time with the music. The girls school shirts and skirts suddenly represented the outfit Britney Spears wore in "Hit me baby one more time".  
"Amazing! Does this always happen?" A tourist asked Rosmerta.  
"Only when someone's cast a stupid spell," She replied darkly.  
They had now propped the unconscious Hagrid up and were dancing around him like a may pole.  
"I tried to understand this, I thought they were out of their minds, how could I have been so foolish not to see I was the one behind?" Lavender sang, jumping onto the bar.  
Hermione stood up looking very sad and noble. "So still I kept on fighting, well losing, never stepped out of the way, I said I must go back there and check if things were still the saaame!" She sang sassily, looking at Ron as if she was about to cry.  
"And they were dancing!" Hagrid cried, waking up with a huge grin.  
"And they were singing!" Draco sang.  
"And they were movin to the groovin," Sang the girls.  
"And just then…IT HIT ME!" Sang Ron loudly.  
"Somebody shouted out - Play the funky muuuusic white boy!" Everyone sang. "Play that funky music right!"  
Snape walked in.  
"Play that funky music white boy, lay down and boogie and play that funky music till you die!" Snape sang dramatically, he happened to be passing at the time and had a bizzare urge to walk into a bar and sing for no reason. Everyone looked at him, there was absoloute silence, then the music started again and Snape (dressed in bondage gear) joined in. Soon it was like a broadway musical, everybody was singing and dancing, and they picked up a screamingly loud Draco and Ron as they sang dramatically.  
"At first it wasn't easy, changing rock and roll of mine," Draco sang and it was clear he was referring to Harry. "If things were getting shaky, I thought I'd have to leave it behind, but now it's so much better, I'm funkin' out in every way but I'll never loose that feeling of how I learnt that lesson that daaaaay!" Draco sang.  
They all sang the chorus again, the boys versus the girls.   
By now several shoppers had stopped in and were also getting their groove on. Snape was now disco dancing with Hagrid. They all sang the chorus over and over again and It ended with the girls performing a cheerleading pyramid, and Draco jumping into Ron's welcoming arms.   
"Play that funky muuusiiiic white booyyy!" Yelled Ron and Draco.  
Suddenly there was a screech . Rosmerta had pulled the plug.  
"Oh, my!" Lavender said, realising that everyone could see her underpants  
Snape looked up from where he had been attempting to leap frog Hagrid.  
"Fifty points from Griffindor for being a bunch of dirty whores!" He shrieked as he ran out of the bar.  
"What just happened?" Hermione asked, completely scandalized.  
Meanwhile Draco and Ron, completely high on sugar were spouting bursts of drunken laughter.  
"Hehehe, ya know i luuurve yooo" Said Ron laughing his head off.  
"Yeahhh play that funkay musiicc," Said Draco tipsily. 


	3. The morning after

CHAPTER THREE - THE MORNING AFTER…  
A/N I really do have mixed feelings about this chapter , I think we ( Vivianne and I)  
were venting a lot of our problems with slash when we wrote this one.  
It's very sarcastic , and it's not nearly as silly as the last one.  
Oh well , remember to thank your Mary Sue Malfoy flight attendant before bording the air craft.  
Harry was tired, infact he was exhausted. All night he had been hearing drunken laughter and moaning noises coming from Ron's bed. When he thought about it, he couldn't help grin. Ron had obviously patched things up with Hermione and they must have taken their relationship to a new level. Harry debated on whether he should go take a peek at the sleeping and probably un-clothed Hermione…but then again, she didn't shave her legs that often. But what the hell, he thought. He sat up slowly and quietly as to not wake her or ron, and put on his glasses. Just when he was going to get out of bed to go take a peek, he heard a voice coming down from the common rooms, calling him.  
"Coming," Said Harry reluctantly. He walked down stairs and saw Hermione down there in her long dressing gown.  
"Harry, have you seen Crookshanks up there?" She asked.  
"No I…Hermione?" Harry said quietly.  
"What?"  
"If you're …here…then who's…" Said Harry slowly. "Oh…uh oh…"  
"What is it?"  
"Hermione, come with me," Said Harry urgently, and they ran up the stairs into the boys common room.  
  
***  
  
Ron awoke slowly, being extremely grateful that it was Saturday. His head was killing him, but not as much as his butt-hole was. Eeew. He opened his eyes and everything came into focus. He smiled and stuck his face into the pillow again, thinking of getting a little more sleep. There was a bit of a breeze actually, blowing across his face. But it was too warm, that day was really cold… He opened his eyes and to his horror saw Draco's face opposite his, fast asleep.   
"Eeew, he breathed on me!" Whispered Ron, looking disgusted. He sat up straight. He looked down, and holy crap, he wasn't wearing any clothes!  
"Aaaagh!" He squeeked in a high pitched voice, attempting to cover himself up with some bed sheets that he tied around his waist. What the hell was he doing in a bed not wearing anything, with Draco next to him? Draco woke up slowly. He yawned slowly as Ron had done and opened his eyes.  
"What?" He said, looking surprised. "What're YOU doing here?"  
"What're YOU doing here?" Repeated Ron, pointing to Draco as if he was a criminal.  
Draco looked down, he wasn't wearing anything either.  
"Oh my Godfather!" Draco cried, looking at from himself to Ron. "We didn't…Oh my God we didn't.."  
"AAAAAAGH!!" Screamed Ron as though he had seen a spider. "AAAGH AAAAGH AAAAAGHH!!"  
"I slept with a Weasley…my reputation is ruined!" Cried Draco angstily, throwing his arms into the sky like a supervillain screaming 'nooo'.   
And that's when Harry opened the hangings around the bed.  
"Oh my," Said Hermione looking ashamed.  
"…Ron?" Said Harry in disbelief.  
"AAAAGH!" Screamed Ron, jumping up in surprise. His bedsheet fell down. "AAGHHH!" He screamed again and grabbed a pillowcase in order to cover himself up.  
"Ron, how could you?" Said Hermione sadly.  
"I …I didn't mean to, I'd never," Panicked Ron. "You know I'd rather go out with a troll then be with a Slytherin,"  
"Ron you SELFISH ASS WHOLE , HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE THAT CAPTAIN PEROXIDE OVER ME?" Hermione screamed and she began to smash harry's fire bolt into Rons bare stomach.  
" Hermione you have to understand I'm going through a gay phase , Iadmit the timings bad" Ron said.  
"OH I understand Ron , I'm a very understanding person.. you are going through a gay phase and I am going through a destructive phase!" she screamed and before Ron could stop her she set fire to his bed with her wand.  
"Hermione, er…malfoy was really …bad!" Said Ron trying to put out the flames.  
"Excuse me Weasley, being with you was no walk in the park either!" Said Draco looking scandalised.  
"What?" Cried Ron. "You were horrible!"  
"Well if I was horrible then why were you were moaning and screaming for more?" Smirked Draco.  
"Ron," said Harry, still in shock. "I thought you said you were attracted to Malfoy,"  
"You know what Ron , be a dear and sod off" Hermione swore and she stormed out dramatically the fire exploding around her while system od the downs chop suey placed really anstyly.  
"Hermione, wait!" Cried Harry and Ron at the same time. Harry ran out of the room, leaving Ron and Draco alone.  
"Thanks a lot, Draco!" Said Ron sarcastically, going over to the cabinet and getting a pair of boxer shorts out of the now flaming draugh.  
Suddenly Harry came back in and looked at Draco.  
"Not that I care or anything but you said you loved me Draco!" He cried. "And then I find you shagging my BEST FRIEND!" With that, he ran out again, crying.  
  
****  
  
Fred and George were sitting down at one of the tables in the Griffindor common room filling out some order forms, or they could be reading playwizard magazines, take your pick.   
If this were a very good slash parody then we would be parodising a twincest pairing, in other words Fred and George violently making out, but in our opinions that's downright disgusting. But then again you're the reader, if you want to picture fred and george going at it, be our guest.  
"Are those two making out, or are they filling order forms?" Parvati asked.  
"It depends on how perverted you are," Said Alicia.  
"Ahhem," Lavender said, approaching the Weasley twins.  
"Do we know you?" Fred asked rudely.  
"She's one of the face-less female characters that runs around Hogwarts like a horny slut," Said George knowlegably.  
"I resent that!" Said Lavender shrilly.  
"Uh huh," Said Fred distractedly.  
"Look we need your help," Said Lavender quickly.  
Fred turned around, looking annoyed. "Who's 'we'?"  
"Oh, nearly all the girls in Hogwarts," Lavender said breezingly.  
The two twins soon realized they were surrounded by over seven hundred girls.  
"Eep," Went George, meanwhile Fred was thinking up some very delicious fantasies which are far too rude to get into.  
"What do you want?" Asked George at last.  
"Okay, I don't know if you've noticed but all the guys are turning gay." Said Angelina Johnson.  
"Oh, we know that," Said Fred. "Lee Jordan kept trying to talk us into a threesome."  
"Lee Jordan?" Lavender managed to squeek, the twins presence was unnerving her.  
"Yes, lucky for you we refused though," Fred said, eyeing Lavender up and down.  
"Will you stop oogling my goodies you sicko?" Lavender snapped.  
"You can oogle mine," Parvati giggled.  
"What do you want us to do about it?" Asked George, ignoring Parvati.  
"Well everyone knows that the Weasley twins can do everything," Lavender said a-matter-of-factly, attempting to keep the horny Fred away from her wand.  
"True," Agreed George as he absently poured a bucket of water on Fred's head.  
"I am so not horny!" A sopping wet Fred accused one of the authors. "Appologise!"  
"Make me!" Muttered the older Author, suddenly looking like a demi-godess.  
"Fred, leave her alone," Said George, turning his attention back to the girls. "Yes, it's true we can do everything," He added.  
"Yep, anything," Said Fred, winking at Angelina who giggled.  
"Sooo, are you two gay?" Ginny asked anxiously. "I mean I think mum can deal with one gay son, but not three."  
"In a lot of fanfics we are but I can assure you that we're straight," Said Fred proudly.  
"Well it's obvious that Fred's not," said Lavender snidely.  
"We're not gay just because we have crappy dress sense," Fred said looking slightly annoyed.  
"At least I don't leave my dirty underpants all over the floor!" Accused George.  
"At least I don't have pink ones!" Smirked Fred.  
"Yes you do, you just stuck them in my drawer and wrote my name on them!" Smirked George.  
"Shut up!" Cried Fred.  
"Oh god, they're gay," Lavender said titedly.  
"We are not!" They both cried.  
"We just happen to be twins!" Said George defensively.  
"We always share each other's stuff," Said Fred.  
"Yes Lavender, everybody knows that," Said Parvati, turning to her twin Padma who nodded too.  
"Excuse me," Said Ginny with annoyance. "I really think we should get back to the subject in question!"  
"Ginny, remind us why you are here," Pansy said bitchingly.  
"I'm the cute little red-headed girl with a crush on the main character, and don't you forget it!" Screeched Ginny, poking Pansy threateningly with every word.  
"Yes miss," Said Pansy quietly.  
"Girls, stop fighting! We need to convince the twins to help us," Lavender said tiredly, trying to make peace.  
"Is she like your leader?" Fred asked.  
"Well ever since Hermione went manic depressive, pretty much yes," Parvati replied, wincing a little.  
"Cos you know if we work with leaders, we feel the sudden urge to spank them," Said Fred wickedly.  
"I would curb that impulse if I was you," Lavender replied in a very smart tone of voice.  
"She's the replacement Hermione," Whispered Pansy.  
"And I wouldn't really spank you by the way," Said Fred with a laugh. "I was just trying to put small thrill into your day."  
"Oh that's so thoughtful!" Swooned Angelina.  
"Listen," Said Lavender angrilly. "All the boys are turning gay and we're relying on you two to do something to make it all better."  
"And why should we help you?" Said George. "We're working on our order forms."  
"We'll make it worth your while," Said Cho Chang and her friend Casey.  
"Let's do this thang!" Cried Fred, throwing his forms out the window. Unfortunately, Fred got a little bit too excited and he fell out the window as well.  
  
"Erm, I think he's broken his leg," Said George.  
"Oh well," Said Lavender, obviously annoyed at Fred.   
"What are we going to DO!?" Asked a hufflepuff girl desperately.  
"Well you could help Fred to the hospital wing, then rely on me for help," Said George, the more sensible twin. He sketched something on a parchment and handed it to Parvati. "Though we are still a team and I'll need to run him through the plan," He added.  
Parvati eyed the paper.  
"Don't worry, he'll agree…his pretty retarded," George reassured her.  
Parvati giggled.  
"Okay," Said George. "What I'm proposing is a love potion."  
There was silence.  
"WHAT!?" Yelled a Slytherin girl.  
"We summon the infamous Weasley twins and we get a stupid LOVE potion?" Cried Padma Patil.  
"Hey, why does everybody always expect us to come up with wild zany ideas?" Said George looking scandalised.  
They all eyed him with annoyance.  
"Okay fine, when George gets better, you can rely on us to think of a wild zany plan of hillarious proportions." Said George, waving his hand carelessly. "And we'll make it really worth your while if a few of you do our exams for us,"  
"You mean when Fred gets better," Said Lavender. "You said George."  
"Look, it's very easy to get your names mixed up when it just so happens that there's someone walking around who looks exactly like you!" Said George…or was it Fred?  
"Okay, calm down you psycho," Said Lavender.  
"Besides we don't want a potion, if we use a potion on the boys it will contradict with the spell they're currently under and they'll probably explode," Pointed out Hannah.  
"Help MEEEEEEE" Cried Fred all the way down from the quidditch pitch.  
"Look you guys, leave me alone for a while. I'll go help Fred since no one else will." Said George. "We'll work out something for you girls tomorrow."  
  
****  
  
After going on a magical quest in order to find his pants, which involved going through a magical wardrobe into a bizarre alternative universe filled with talking lions and centaurs with umbrellas, Draco emerged from the Griffindor's dormitory fully clothed, and slightly embarassed. He needed to find Harry and fast, to disguss their relationship. Draco admitted that this was very bad, sleeping with your true love's best friend was a big no no. He was just happy that Weasley had the sense to use a condom, after all he didn't want to die from any filthy muggle diseases just yet.  
But did Harry feel the same way? Did Harry use condoms? Hmm, tricky question Malfoy admitted. He couldn't help wonder… of course Malfoy would never admit it, but technically speaking, Weasley was his first time with another person and not MR HAND. Even though Harry said he had 'been with a girl' Draco was positive that he had never. Harry's idea of being with a girl involved kissing, and sure he had kissed Hermione a few times, and there was that incident with Ginny and the closet... but besides that Draco was positive he had never been with a girl.  
Suddenly he saw Harry rounding a corner… Draco tried unsuccessfully to disguise himself as a lamp.   
Harry was coming closer…   
One thing was for certain, he was definately going to find out today…  
  
****  
  
Harry walked into the common room, and he saw a lamp that looked suspiciously like Malfoy. He ignored it because he hated Malfoy, and the thought of Malfoy made him want to burst into tears. Instead he stormed out of his common room in a very angsty manner with the overwhelming urge to kill himself… because this would not be a real slashy story without at least one suicide attempt.   
Harry was so sad he wanted to die. Draco had sex with RON for goodness sake. Or at least he assumed they had.  
"Potter!" Ordered Draco storming away from the lamp. "Get back here!" He cried, marching after the suicidal Harry.  
"I can't hear you LA LA LA LA LA!" Harry sang, blocking his ears. He wasn't sure why he was depressed exactly, who Draco decided to sleep with was none of his business. We, the wonderful authors think Harry has a case of the "C.R.A.B.S", (Crappy-Readers-Anticipating-Badly written-Suicide) where he wants to kill himself just for the sake of Slash. Poor Harry.  
"Harry listen to me!" Draco cried.  
"LA LA LA LA!" Harry cried as he reached the main doors, he hopped onto his broomstick and proceeded to fly up to the top of the Griffindor tower, for everyone knows that a dramatic suicide must go in two ways, a knife or in more drastic measures, jumping off a high building. This little production could not afford a fancy jewel covered dagger, however towers are everywhere and are free.  
"Why are you mad at me?" Cried Draco.  
"I don't know, this is supposed to be angst!" Cried Harry, stopping still. "It's in every single slash fic, you ass hole!"  
Draco looked up from where Harry was still flying on his broomstick.  
"Well yes I understand that, but normally I'm supposed to be trying to kill myself, not you!" Draco cried.   
Harry began to sing loudly again and proceeded to fly up to the top of the tower. Draco was forced to magically appear out of nowhere like they always do.  
Harry reached the roof of the tower. The grey sky was getting darker and darker and sad piano music started to play in the background.  
"Where's that music coming from?" Asked Harry, but Draco had not caught up to him yet. Harry looked down. "Hey, is that Fred Weasley on the pitch with a broken leg?"   
Harry felt even more depressed because no one was there to answer his questions.  
"Right, this is it, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kill myself!" He said, trying to muster his courage.  
"Harry wait! I LOVE YOU!" Draco cried, finally catching up to him.  
"Really?" Harry asked.  
"Well no…not really…I just think you look sexy in a pair of speedos," Draco replied.  
"You're ruining the drama, asshole!" Harry cried.  
"Oh, sorry." Draco muttered, composing himself. "Oh Harry, don't kill yourself, you have so much to live for, like puppies ….and er…kittens."  
"I hate puppies and Kittens give me hay-fever." Said Harry.  
"What kind of sadistic person are you!?" Draco asked, shocked.  
"Listen to me Draco," Said Harry, pointing to Draco with a trembling finger. "Get over yourself. I'm not gay."  
"But...you have to be!" Said Draco desperately, taking his hands. "I've never ever felt this way about someone before!"  
"Oh yes?" Harry asked. Harry felt the urge to throw Draco off the tower but he began to speak again.  
"Harry," Said Draco.  
"You claim that you're in love with me, but I find you in bed with my best friend," He said angrilly. "You have no idea what love is, you just confuse it with sex, because you're nothing more than a horny repressed little pervert!" Harry screamed Dramatically.   
"Well I guess it's half true," Admitted Draco with a grin. "But Harry, I do love you."  
"Shut up." Said Harry angrilly. "Just shut up! You tourment me for four whole books, then come up to me one day with a bunch of flowers and pin me to the wall and announce that you're gay."  
"Ooo," Said all the slash-loving fan girls who were um invisible.  
"And then you dress yourself like a girl so that I'll like you," Harry continued. "Then I find you in bed with my best friend…I bet if I throw myself off this tower all you'd care about is the fact that you'll have one less butt-monkey on your shag list!" Said Harry.  
"But," Said Draco but Harry was on a roll.  
"If you love someone, you can't treat them like this! You can't act as if they're part of your sick puppet theatre!" Harry cried.  
"What are you saying?" Draco asked hesitantly.  
"I'm saying that you don't love me, you can't just wake up one day and say oooooh I love you, it doesn't work like that!" Harry cried.  
"But that's the way slash works!" Cried Draco.  
"Well that's not how i want love to be!" Sobbed Harry.  
"Harry," Said Draco slowly. "Do you mean..."  
"I'm saying...I'm saying..." Stuttered Harry.  
"What, what are you saying?" Asked Draco desperately, touching his sweet minx's face.  
"I don't know what i'm saying!" Cried Harry. "Get off me!"  
And without warning, he jumped off the tower!  
"HARRYYYYY!!!!!!!" Draco screamed.  
"NOOOOOO!" Screamed the fan girls.  
There was a faint "ohhh" noise. Then the sound of a hundred teenage girls screaming. Harry screamed all the way down.  
"Damn, there's another butt monkey off my shag list," Said Draco by accident.  
And Harry died.  
…Just kidding.  
"Oh my God, HARRY LANDED ON FRED!" Screamed a girl.  
"Is he dead?" Lavender Brown's distinctive nasal voice shrieked.  
"Harry!" Draco cried, leaning over the tower's railings.  
"No, he's not dead, Fred's broken his other leg though," George's voice cried impatiently.  
"Oh my God it's DRACO on the tower!" Pansy screamed.   
All the girls looked up and Draco waved sheepishly.  
"Er…hi!" He shouted with a strangled voice.  
"What were you doing there?" Lavender demanded impatiently.  
"Well Brown, you fat cow, Harry happened to be trying to kill himself," Said Draco.  
"You threw him off the tower!" Cried Hermione who just happened to be there. "You Jerk!"  
"Poor thing is going to be so dissapointed when he realises he's still alive," Pansy said sadly, referring to Draco. She believed Draco because all Slytherins try to kill themselves at some point.  
Ron ran over to Harry's body.  
"Harry! Harry!" Ron Cried. "Are you okay buddy?  
"Ron, you're naked!" Screamed Parvati. Because Ron hadn't bothered to get dressed after the whole ass raping incident.  
"No I'm not!" Cried Ron. And then he looked down. "AAAAAAGH!"  
Ron stole Hermione's cloak and wrapped it around his waist.  
"Ron, it's COLD!" Cried Hermione in her blouse and skirt.  
"Yeah well i'm naked aren't I?" Yelled Ron so loud that her hair blew back.  
"My mistake," She said quietly.  
Ron got down on his knees, and gently put Harry's unconscious head on his lap as the rain began to pour. Pretty soon everybody was getting wet but nobody dared to complain. The sad music got sadder as Ron leant down and whispered;  
"It's going to be okay buddy...It's going to be okay."  
"Oh Ron, please kiss him!" Sobbed a Ravenclaw girl who was caught up in the moment.  
Ron gave the Ravenclaw girl a bemused look, and then looked serious again.  
"If the events of tonight have taught me anything," Said Ron clearly. "It's that we shouldn't play around with people's emotions."  
"No, the lesson is that jumping off buildings is bad," Said Hermione.  
"HEYY!" Screamed Fred who was still under Harry. "I NEED MEDICAL HELP!"  
Harry stirred and blinked his beautifully green eyes.  
"Damn, I'm alive!" he swore.  
"Yes, you're alive!!" Ron cried happily.  
"No seriously, when people jump off of buildings they hope they'll wake up dead," Harry groaned, rolling over revealing the very bloody battered body of Fred.  
"Everyone, I think my brain is leaking out of my ears!" Fred cried.  
"Oh my Freddypoo!" Cried Angelina who ran down to hug him.  
"Ron, you're naked and my head's in your lap!" Harry screamed, jumping up looking horrified.  
"Actually he has a black cloak around his waist and he's completely wet which makes him very sexy at the moment," Said Hermione all of a sudden.  
Everybody stared at her.  
"Why can't I have an opinion!" She screamed, stamping her foot into the ground in a very pouty way.  
"Because everyone knows you're completely frigid," Lavender stated.  
"I am not!" Hermione screamed hysterically, rain soaking her hair. "That's it, I'm going to kill myself!" She cried.  
"You can't kill yourself, the girl in the slash fic never kills herself," Said Harry tiredly.  
"Honestly, who writes slash anyway!" Pouted Hermione, sitting down on the wet grass, trying to look distracted by something on the floor.  
Ron turned back to Harry.  
Hermione eyed them both.  
"Although the two of you together…hmm…" She said, getting a horny look on her face.  
"I'm not glad, I want to be dead dammit!" Cried Harry. "Oh the pain!"  
"Well I'm just glad you're okay buddy," Said Ron with a grin. "I was really scared there for a minute."  
"Just promise me you'll never try to hit on me," Said Harry.  
"I promise," Said Ron, looking incredibly sexy with all that wet red hair.  
"Goddamit!" Cried the slash-loving ravenclaw girl.  
"Besides Harry, I'm not attracted to you, gentlemen prefer blondes." Said Ron.  
"What, you're not attracted to me? AM I UGLY!?" Harry cried hysterically.  
"No, it's just.. I think I'm attracted to Lavender."  
And everybody gasped.  
"WHAT!?" Screamed Lavender and Hermione at the same time.  
"You mean you're not queer?" Shouted Harry ecstatically.   
"Hey I'm still keeping my options open," Said Ron defensively. "Draco is still kinda cute for a slytherin."  
"True," Said Harry by accident.  
Ron and Harry cracked up laughing while the girls just stood there open-mouthed.  
"Boys," Said a Slytherin 6th year from the back. "Who needs 'em."  
Ron grinned at Lavender. "So, will you go out with me?"  
"Holy mother of crap on a stick no!" Cried Lavender, who had higher standards.  
"Fine then Hermione get over here," Said Ron quickly.  
"No." Said Hermione.  
"But I'm all wet and sexy!" He cried.  
"No, you're wet and smelly." Hermione pointed out.  
Ron looked down and realized he had had an accident.  
"Oh come on Lavy please go out with me, I'm all horny and desperate!" He cried.  
"No, I want a boyfriend who only plays with holes, not poles!" Lavender cried.  
"Eeeeeeeew" Said all the girls.  
"C'mon Lavy, you said I was powerful." Crooned Ron.  
"Yeah well that was before you went queer." Said Lavender.  
At this comment, Hermione screeched loudly and jumped onto Lavender, pulling her hair and screaming words like 'slut' and 'whore' at her face.  
"I thought she already told Hermione that she was with you," Said Harry.  
"Yeah but I think she might have just snapped," Said Ron. "Hermione, in all fairness, we were never going out."  
This caused Hermione to scream hysterically.  
"Who were never going out?" Asked Hermione angrily, still pulling at a screaming Lavender's hair. "Me or Lavender?"  
"Me and you - I never asked you out, I never even kissed you - it's just all the fanfics - they assume we are together!" Ron stated, rather terrified.  
"I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!" Screamed Fred again.  
"Well I happen to think you are hot, is that a CRIME?" Screamed Hermione, transferring her anger onto Lavender who was still screaming.  
"You think I'm hot?" Lavender asked. "I thought this was strictly a male slash fic!" She protested.  
"I think RON's hot!" Cried Hermione, looking extremely insulted. "It's not my fault you're a lesbian whore!"  
"LESBIAN WHORE!?" Screamed Lavender. "THAT'S IT!"  
What followed was the most intense girl fight that ever took place at hogwarts. The two girls began to do a seriously cool magic fight like the one on Weirdsister College, except minus the gay hair, no wait Draco's hair is gay. Lightning bolts were zinging from their wands. They screamed in overly dramatic ways, suddenly dressed in revealling medieval dresses with long flowing hair.  
"Someone just turned me into a slug!" Cried Fred.  
Lavender kept zapping spells at Hermione to try and make her boobs smaller and Hermione was trying to put Lavender's hair into a crew-cut.  
"Oooo," Said Harry, remembering his Cho/Casey fantasy.  
"Harry, there's no time for fantasizing," Said Ron quickly. "You need medical attention."  
"WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE!!" Screamed Slug Fred.  
"But what if Hermione's dress rips off!" Whined Harry, who was being dragged out of the grounds by Ron.  
"You like Hermione?" Ron cried.  
"Well actually I'm attracted to Draco but if I wanted a girl at the moment I'd like Hermione," Said Harry rather quickly, and then realised what he just said.  
"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!" Draco cried prancing around. Unfortunately he tripped over slug Fred and crashed onto the floor.  
"So you're gay," Said Ron.  
"I hope not," Said a very panicky Harry. "It's probably - a phase!"  
"OOhhh!" Cried Draco, banging his fists into the ground like dudley in a tantrum.  
"How did you get down here anyway?" Asked some of the Griffindor girls.  
"I....er..."  
"Get back up there you stupid murderer!" Cried a Ravenclaw chick.  
Panting to himself, Draco ran off to sulk under a willow tree while it snowed. Ignoring the fact that it was the middle of summer, because it always snows when Draco is in an angsty mood.  
  
Meanwhile Harry was being dragged up the cold stone steps of the castle. It was a shame he was missing the magic cat-fight. It would've been sweet to see one of their dresses rip off. But he was tired. After all, he had just fallen off a building and survived. But then again he survived Voldemort trying to kill him on four seperate occasions, so a little fall off a building wouldn't be too tough on the boy who lived. 


	4. the sad chapter part one

CHAPTER 5 - THE SAD CHAPTER  
A/N This is other wise known as the chapter which is way to long for its own good  
so it had to be split into two different parts because damn note pad would not  
let us post it in one file.  
Grrrrr. Other then that this chapter features yet another lovely musical number  
several in fact.  
It also makes fun of several fics and if you can spot them your a sexy beast.  
  
This is a sad chapter, filled with tears and angst and touching little speeches involving angels and other silly corny things which have been ripped off an episode of Rugrats.   
It starts with Fred, George and the girls situated in the hospital wing. They were all crying over Fred's stricken form. Fred, who had gotten his brains stuck back into his head was feeling a little off and was getting irritated with the girls swarming all over him. But the girls had promised to do the twins's exams for him so he refraimed from throwing them off the tower.  
"Fred and I have talked it over," Began George, taking out a chart. "And we have thought of a way to make viagra ten times stronger."  
"Excuse me!?" Screeched Lavender.  
"Oops, that's the other plan," Said George, tearing some paper from the chart and eating it as soon as possible.  
Fred was noisely sick, after all he was suffering from brain damage.  
"YOU! YOU ARE A CHEESE AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE!" He suddenly screamed at a filing cabinet.  
"Okay, the plan," Said George as though exploding at a filing cabinet was completely normal. "Is that you girls organise another Yule ball."  
"A Yule ball? It's not Christmas," Said Cho Chang.  
"Yes but this does not need to make sense," Said George truthfully, showing them a bar graph. "The ball is to appeal to the female audience which consists of ninety-five percent of slash readers."   
"Oh, true!" Said Susan bones.  
"Besides, Draco is depressed which means it must be winter," Pointed out Hermione.  
"We're going to make it so that guys have to go out with girls," Said Fred, composing himself and consulting several statistics. "Because angst is needed."  
"Amidst all the dancing and socialising, we will kidnap harry," Said George.  
"Why?" Asked a Hufflepuff first year.  
"Don't ask questions!" Yelled Fred who was very pissed off. "Because you're an ant and ants can't talk!"  
They all stared at him.  
"There there Fred, Mum will be here soon," Said Ginny kindly.  
"I love you Angelina," Said Fred, hugging his pillow affectionately.  
"Er.anyway…our aim is to attract Voldemort because whenever something like this happens it's always his fault." Said George knowlegably. "Then we'll lure Voldemort in here and try and reverse the spell."  
"Are you insane!?" Cried Hermione. "Voldemort is a POWERFUL wizard, he'll kill you!"  
"What else do you propose we do?" Said George sternly.  
"I"ll be good," Said Hermione quietly as she sat down.  
"And for another thing, we don't even know that Voldemort's responsible….think about it, why would Voldemort make everyone gay?" Lavender asked.  
  
***  
  
And now for a spot staring Voldemort.  
The prisoner laid before him, bound and gagged. Other than that he had a delerious expression on his face. It was Gilderoy Lockhart, and he was about to make Voldie's dreams come true!  
"Erm…Voldie," Said Lucius, a curious expression on his face.  
"Yes," Said Voldemort testidly.  
"Why did you ask us to kidnap this mental patient?" Lucius asked. "He's an idiot!"  
"Yes, but he's a sexy idiot!" Voldemort cried.  
Poor Lockhart had no memory which meant he had no idea what sort of horrors were about to be placed on him.  
"Now Lucius, bring me my SPEEDOS!" Cried Voldemort, and Lockhart smiled.  
"Hello, are you my daddy?" He asked.   
And Voldemort closed in on him.  
"No offence my love - er - lord," Said Lucius uncertainly. "But what does this have to do with...the plan?"  
"Nothing, I'm just horny and you're crap in bed," Said Voldemort and Lucius burst into tears.  
"I love you daddy," Said Gilderoy cutely.  
"Yes, you too," Smirked Voldemort, twirling one of Gilderoy's curly golden locks on his abnormally large finger.  
And we're going to stop this scene before it gets really really creepy. If you want to see where this is going, then you're pretty darn sick. Look some stuff up on Google. Google is your friend.  
  
***  
  
"And that's why we need another yule ball." Said Lavender.  
Proffesor Mcgonagall looked at her darkly.  
"Do you really think i'm just going to organise a yule ball for no reason?" She shouted.  
"Oh I dunno professor," Said Hermione, picking up the framed photo of Remus Lupin. "We just thought we'd make it a hetro-sexual yule ball."  
"Hmm…" Said Mcgonnagal.  
"Meaning that everybody has to have a straight partener," Said Parvati.  
"I know what it means!" Snapped Mcgonnagal. "…and convicts who are animagusses aren't invited?"  
"And I also heard..." Crooned Hermione, stroking photo-Remus's hair, who smiled cutely. "That a certain angsty werewolf would be ...how should I put this...single?"  
Mcgonnagal flushed deeply.  
"How dare you suggest that I'm in an innapropriate relationship with that MAN!" She shrieked.  
"Yes, werewolves do need to be paper trained around the full moon," Said Lavender wisely.  
They all looked at her.  
"Not that I'd know or anything," She said, putting on the airhead act again.  
"Well he's very hot," Said Hermione, smiling at the photo. "I also heard he has a thing for black-haired uptight professors."  
"Who, snape?" Said Parvati.  
"Shhhut up!" Spat Hermione.  
"Snape's really a blonde," said Ginny.  
They all looked at her.  
"Not that I'd know or anything," She said.  
Mcgonnagal coughed, sipping her Earl Grey tea.  
"Do you really think a ball involving you girls dressed up like trollops will change the boys minds? They prefer men." She said Coldly.  
"They're under a spell!" Lavender shot back.  
"What?" She cried.  
"Isn't it obvious, hasn't it been forshadowed since the beginning!?" Said Hermione, rolling her eyes. "All the men are under a spell!"  
"I've never heard of such a spell," Mcgonnagal coughed.  
"Of course you haven't all you can do is turn yourself into a cat," Parvati pointed out.  
"Please professor, do it for Remus!" Cried Hermione hysterically, shoving the frame in front of her face.  
"Yeah do it for me!" Sniffed Photo-Remus.  
"Oh...I..." said Minerva, looking torn. "Oh, alright."   
She sniffed loudly, not realizing that Remus was gay even without the damn spell. To make matters clear, Draco, Remus and …er…justin are gay without the spell, everyone else is straight.   
WOO HOO!  
And all the fan girls rejoiced.  
"Although you'll have to wait until next year, it's the middle of summer," Mcgonnagal said.  
"Actually, look outside!" Said Lavender.  
Mcgonnagal looked out and was greeted by virtual blizzards filled with dancing people in pretty red coats and all that crap.  
"Oh dear, Master Malfoy must be rather depressed today," She said tiredly.  
"Yes, he is." Said Hermione.  
"Fine, we'll hold it in a week's time." Said Mcgonnagal. "Now GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"  
  
***  
  
"A YULE BALL!?" Cried Ron. "This is a disaster!"  
"Eh?" Said Harry, chewing on his Froot Loops. Yes, Hogwarts have Froot loops.  
"How can I go to a Yule Ball?" Ron cried.  
"I don't see what the problem is, Hermione ripped up your dress robes which means your parents have to buy you new ones," Pointed out Harry.  
"I mean…I want to ask him for the ball, but I can't!" Ron angested, bursting into tears.  
"Why not," said Harry, pouring some more milk on his froot loops.  
"Because it's a hetrosexual ball, which means you have to go with girls," said Ron quietly.  
"So go with Hermione then, let me eat my damn froot loops!" Said Harry. "Oh, I wonder if Cho has a date," He added, biting into his loops.  
"I don't like Hermione, I like Lavender!" Ron pointed out, keeping to the plot's consistancy.  
"Lavender's a blonde whore," Harry said.  
"That's why I like her, she's like a female version of my sweet Draco."  
"You don't have dress robes either, we'll need to buy some at Gladrags Wizard Wear." Said Harry.  
"No actually I have some," Said Ron. "They're white and thin with a black tie."  
"Why don't we go shopping anymore Ron?" Said Harry sadly.  
"Because now that I'm gay I have better taste than you," Said Ron.  
Hermione skipped into the room and sat down between Harry and Ron.  
"Good morning Hermione," Said Harry. "Don't touch my froot-loops."  
"Hermione, do you think you could ask Lavender to go out with me?" Said Ron quickly.  
"Good Morning Harry," Said Hermione. "I'm saying good morning to you Harry but not Ron, because Ron's an ass fucker."   
Which really did answer Ron's question.  
"Hey, i resent that," Said Ron quietly, sinking into his chair.  
"Harry, will you please ask the butt-raping pig fucker to pass the marmalade?" Said Hermione.  
"Ron pass the marmalade," Said Harry with a yawn.  
"Will you please tell the butch lesbian that I ate all the marmalade?" Ron said.  
Harry turned his head towards the end of the table. "HANNAH ABOTT, RON SAYS HE'S EATEN ALL THE MARMALADE!"  
"I was talking about HERMIONE," Said Ron angrily.  
Hannah Abott looked up from her table.  
"Ron you ate all the marmalade you dickhead!" She swore.  
"Oh so now i'm a butch lesbian am I?" Spat Hermione. "At least I didn't break your heart!"  
"I broke your heart?" Said Ron innocently.  
"Yes!" Hermione shrieked.  
"Oh," Said Ron, looking slightly guilty. Hermione was his friend after all.   
"I happened to have my whole life planned out," Said Hermione. "I was going to marry you, and never be called a mud-blood again, and pat your sweet hot ass whenever i felt like it!"  
Hermione shut her mouth quickly, looking embarassed.  
"I have a sweet hot ass?" Said Ron slowly. "Do you mean that?"  
"Ron, shut up." Said Harry, still chewing on his froot loops.  
"That's...the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me," Said Ron with a strangled voice, tears welling in those brown eyes.  
"Well - you ate …the marmalade," Said Hermione quietly.  
"Have you two made up?" Harry asked.  
"Hermione, I'd be honoured to go to the ball with you," Said Ron cutely.  
"NO! I will never forgive you!" Snapped Hermione.  
"But...you said i had a sweet hot ass..." Said Ron adorably.  
"I was going to take you to the ball and kiss the gay out of you in a completely romantic scene in which we are outside near a fountain with stars twinkling and birds flying in a beautiful garden but frankly i HATE YOU!" Yelled Hermione all at once.  
She promptly picked up her bag and stormed out of the room.  
"Herm, can I have the rest of your froot loops?" Harry called.  
"Sod OFF!" She screamed, storming away.  
  
***  
  
"Pansy go to the ball with me or I shall get secret government agents to kill you painfully." Said Draco in monotonous ..er..tone.  
"Aren't you gay?" Pansy asked.  
Draco stuck a hand out and pinned her against the wall.  
"Pansy go to the ball with me or I shall get secret government agents to kill you painfully." He repeated.  
"Um…okay," She said, looking uncomfortable. "But…why?"  
"I want to make Potter jealous," He stated. "and I do have a reputation you know."  
"But why me, I'm ugly and fat!" Pansy pointed out.  
Draco sighed. "You happen to be the prettiest slytherin girl i know and I need the best to make Potter jealous."  
"Oh Draco I love you!" Cried Pansy, pulling her arms around his neck.  
"Yeah yeah, you can stop now." Said Draco.  
"You won't regret this, Draco!" Said Pansy happily, letting go of him and rushing up the stairs. She paused to smile down at him and then rushed over to the common room.  
"Urgh...glad that's over with," Said Draco. "Now...for the robes." And he flexed his tight, but muscles…and pranced away.  
  
****  
  
Ginny Weasley was hysterical. She was convinced that she had the fattest ass in the world. (Which is true, but this is besides the point.) She spun around critically in the dress shop, trying to ignore the sounds of Seamus and Dean making out in the next stall.  
And that's when she saw...the perfect dress. It was a beautiful sea blue with little wavey-bits that went down to the knees. It also came with a matching blue flower hair-accessory that shone in fifteen shades of blue! Just to look at it was to be enchanted by it's awe.   
"Ohh..." She said, staring up at that wonder dress.  
"Would you like to purchase this outfit?" Asked an irritable fat lady, who seemed to own the store.  
"I'll take it," She said, still hypnotised by it's beauty.  
"That'll be fourty-eight galleons." Said the lady.  
"But...I don't have fourty-eight galleons!" Said Ginny softly, tears coming into her eyes.  
"Well I'm sorry sweetie," Said the lady in her annoying voice. "But i don't run a charity here!"  
"Will you give it to me for three galleons and seven sickles?" Said Ginny quietly. "I swear I'll pay you back!"  
And Suddenly Draco came in, because everyone knows that when Ginny's poor in a fanfic, it's Draco's job to pay for anything she wants.  
"Here's a dress you can afford," Said the lady irritably, holding up a cream white dress that seemed to be made of rag-patches. One of the straps fell off. "Oh yeah, you'll need to fix that."  
Ginny's mouth opened with horror.   
Draco, who had arrived to buy a pink tafetta gown, because silk did not go with his complexion, ganced at her sympathetically.  
"Weasley, I have the sudden overwhelming urge to buy you a nice dress!" He cried dramatically.  
"Er…why?" Ginny asked.  
"Because it's a clicheed fanfiction plot device, we get them all the time," Said the clerk.  
"Excuse me?" Ginny asked, baffled. Yes, baffled. "You mean people write stories about me and draco?"  
"Yes, i know it's odd," Said Draco. "The stories you can come across..."  
"Oh yes, you were the hottest couple around before Harry came into the picture," Said the clerk. "I found one about Ginny and Dumbledore once."  
"WHAT!?" Screamed Ginny.  
"I'll take that stunning blue dress over there," Said Draco, pulling out a bag of money. "How much is this going to cost me to get out of this silly romantic situation?" He asked tiredly.  
"Fourty-eight….er I mean, seventy-five galleons," Said the clerk hungrilly.  
"I have more money than that in a used condom," Responded Draco snottingly, and he tossed a bag filled with coins and diamonds onto the table.  
"Er, make that Eighty-five galleons!" Cried the clerk, as she took all the jewels and galleons she could.  
"And I'll have the sexiest dress robes for men that you have," Said Draco.  
"Well we do have a lovely peach set," Said the clerk.  
"Does it have big bows on it?" Draco asked warningly.  
"We could sew some on," Said the clerk, shoving the money down her blouse. "I can finally afford to get someone to perform the engorgement charm on my boobs!" She cried gleefully.  
"I'd say you need to loose some weight too," Said Draco, being the snobby ass-hole that we all know and love.  
"Here's your dress," Said the Clerk, ignoring Malfoy.  
"Oh Malfoy, you're wonderful!" Ginny cried, giving him a hug.  
"Anything for the sister of the guy I had a drunken shag with," Draco responded. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to join Dean and Seamus in the changing room!" He said, with an evil expression on his face, dashing off.  
  
***  
  
Lavender was very very very upset.  
"You mean to tell me that Seamus and Dean were making out in the cubicle!?" She shrieked as Ginny spun around, clutching onto her blue dress.  
"Uh huh then Malfoy came in and bought me this dress isn't it so PERFECT!?" She sang, dancing around.  
"Oh great, a stupid Ginny/Draco pairing, how predictable!" Lavender cried.  
"Draco? No way, he's nice and everything but give me harry any day...." Said Ginny wistfully.  
"Ginny, will you help me with the other part of the plan?" Sniffed Lavender. "I'm pissed at Parvati right now and I have nobody else."  
"Erm, okay sure." Said Ginny, who had started to think that Lavender was more than just a 2d character.  
"What's the other part of the plan?" Asked Ginny curiously.  
"Well, Fred and George wanted some of us to help out," Said Lavender. "We need to set the romantic mood."  
"Oh like music and insence and stuff?" Said Ginny. "Sounds like fun!"  
"Yeah, real girl stuff!" Said Lavender, giggling like a cheerleader.  
"I like know a really great shop where they sell heart-balloons," Said Ginny chirpily.  
"I am like soo there!" They both giggled hysterically.  
Suddenly Lavender grew serious again.  
"…I can't believe Seamus left me for DEAN!? My jugs are way bigger than his man boobs!" She cried.  
"Oh come on Lavender," Said Ginny quietly. "He's under a spell."  
"Yes but,"  
"He didn't know what he was doing, it's all you-know-who's fault." She added.  
Hermione looked up from her book by the fire and listened in.  
"I'm sure that if he wasn't under a spell he would never do anything like that," Said Ginny soothingly.  
"Well... i guess so..." Said Lavender, wiping away a tear. "Thanks Ginny."  
"Betchya didn't know i was so insightful huh," Said Ginny proudly.  
Hermione glared at them both.  
"Actualy Lavender, Seamus would, after all he shagged me," She lied.  
Hermione looked at the fire. Once again, she realised the dancing red flames looked oddly like Ron's hair. She began to imagine Ron looking back at her from inside the fire, winking mischeivously and then dissapearing into the flames. Maybe she did need Ron back. Maybe she couldn't stay mad at him forever.  
Ron ran into the room and stopped in front of hermione.  
"HERMIONE!" He said excitedly.  
"Do you like my pink socks?"  
Hermione looked back at her book. Nope, she was still mad at him. Pink socks? The nerve.  
"No I don't like your pink socks," Said Hermione irritably. "they make you look gay."  
"Well duh, that's the idea." Said Ron.  
"Why do you like Draco anyway?" Said Hermione, still staring at her book angrily. "I mean, what's he got that i haven't got?"  
"A dick," Ron pointed out, touching his ass.  
"But Ron, how could you sleep with him?" Cried Hermione, slamming her book down. "I thought you liked me!"  
"I was DRUNK, duhh," Said Ron. "How could a smart person like yourself not know the effects of alcohol?"  
"Alcohol is supposed to make you impotent, dumb ass, not horny!" Shrieked Hermione. "If you were that drunk, then technically your little weasel should barely be able to move!"  
"Yes but..." Said Ron. "Um... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence."  
Hermione was starting to look pretty murderous.  
"You lost your virginity to a slytherin who probably has aids," She said, starting to sniff sadly.  
"Er yeah, virginity…" Said Ron, remembering a certain incident involving Lavender. "Look Hermione, I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to...and I've been your friend for four books now... we can't just stop that because of a tiny incident like an ass shagging?"  
Hermione was determined to make it look like she was not crying.  
"I can't forget about it Ron, this is the sad chapter, which means it's filled with all sorts of angsty bollocks!" Said Hermione.  
"Oh yes, I almost forgot about that," Said Ron.   
He turned towards the audience.  
"Am I gay? Or am I straight?!" Cried Ron dramatically.   
And He won an award for this performance. When this fic ended he would accept an award and cry like Halle Berry winning an oscar but let's not worry about that. He would also wear Halle Berry's dress, which he had stolen from her linen cupboard.  
"Ron, I just don't want you to get hurt!" Screamed Hermione desperately. "Do you realise what could've happened? You could've gotten Herpes or Crabs or...i dunno, some other form of STD!!"  
"We used a condom," Said Ron. "Besides, you can get all those other diseases from women as well," He said, referring to another incident with…er…Lavender.  
But of course, innocent Hermione didn't get it.  
"Ron I hate you!" She cried. "I can't believe you'd put yourself in danger like that!"  
"I told you I didn't want to!" He cried.  
"And now you're going to go around shagging everyone, like some sort of ...easy guy..." She sniffed. "And everybody is going to take advantage of how freakishly adorable you are!"  
"EASY!?" Cried Ron. "How could you say that!"  
"You slept with MALFOY! Sleeping with Malfoy is like having the words "Shag me please" Stamped on your ass!" She screamed. "After all, everyone knows what happened with Blaize Sambini and the squid in the lake.." She muttered darkly.  
"Is this conversation going anywhere?" Asked a puzzled Ron, scratching his head.  
"It's going somewhere, I've just completely lost track of what I was saying!" Hermione roared, then she thought. "Alright now I remember, Ron, you're a prat and I hate your bloody socks!" She cried triumphantly.  
"I don't think you're a prat," Said Ron. "I want to be your friend again. I'm sick of failing all my tests."  
"Oh Sod off!" Growled Hermione and she stormed out of the room.  
"I like your socks Ron," Said Lavender.  
"Hey, those are mine!" Screamed Ginny.  
And Sighing with frustration, Ron was forced to chase Hermione.  
  
***  
  
And now we present a musical interlude to relax your spirits, starring Draco Malfoy.  
Draco walked onto a spot-lighted stage in the great hall, wearing a black tuxedo with tails and a bow-tie.  
There was a dramatic drumroll… the curtains pulled back, revealling almost every single male in Hogwarts dressed in elaborate skin-tight sequined gowns.  
"May I present..." Said Draco, a little nervous in front of the audience. "Blaizee and the sunshine band!"  
Blaize Zambini appeared with a large trumpet, Crabbe came up behind him with a bass guitar and Goyle on the drums.  
The audience clapped and cheered and the male dancers blushed.  
"I want to sing a few songs for you tonight," Said Draco, becoming a little more comfortable as the audience clapped and cheered. "And the first one is about...er...Somebody I know. They know who they are."  
"Ooooo," Went some of the fan girls.  
"HIT IT BLAZEY!" Cried Draco.  
A trumpet errupted in the air.   
Blaizee and the Sunshine band began to jam up a fast Jazzy tune, and suddenly Draco had on a flat straw hat, a striped suit and a large cane.  
"Oh Crap, my dress is caught in my cello!" Yelled Seamus, but Draco was already beginning to sing.  
"L - is for the way you look at meeee, O - is for the only ooone I seeee!" Draco sang, punching the air. "V is very very, extraordinary and E - is even more than anyone that I adore!" He sang, tap dancing across the stage.  
Harry had just entered the hall.  
"Why is Draco singing?" He asked Parvati.  
"No one knows, all the boys just started setting up this drag show an hour ago," She responded, shrugging her shoulders.  
"And LOOOOOOOOOVE is all that i can giiiiiive to you!" Sang Draco. "LOVE! Is more than just a - dream for twoo.…..Twooo in love can make it! Take my heart but please don't break it!" He sang, running up to Harry, his spot light following him.  
"Draco what are you doing, we're supposed to be having dinner in here!" Harry cried.  
"I'm proving that I love you, you silly goose!" Draco giggled. "Loooove, was made for me and YOUUU!" He sang.  
"Oh my," Said Harry, sinking into his chair and looking extremely embarassed.  
"Everybody!" Draco roared.  
"Now I wish I had died," Harry groaned.  
The audience whooped and cheered loudly. Ron looked slightly jealous at all the attention that Harry was recieving. Hermione was staring at Ron evily.  
"This song was dedicated to my one true love Harry, who has just recovered after he threw himself off a building," Said Draco, and the audience laughed jovially.  
"Oh god!" Cried Harry, sinking even lower.  
Blaizee and the sunshine band revved up a bit of a fourties tune. Draco went back to centre stage and began to sing again.  
"Without Oliver Haaaardy, Stan Loral wouldn't shooow…and there aint no romance in a solo romeo...without doctor Watson, Sherlock wouldn't have a clue!" He sang. "Without you with me baaaaby I'm nothin' that's the truuth!"  
The audience was getting revved up but suddenly there was a distraction! Hermione was now on the stage, wearing a feminine black tuxedo, she touched her wand to her throat to magnify her voice.  
"Move over Draco, it's my turn," She said firmly.  
"But Mudblood, it's my ---"  
But Hermione had pushed him out of the way.  
"Darling you left my heart, in pieces on the floor…so tell me why shouldn't I…break something of yours…" She sang sassily.  
"HIT IT BLAIZEE!!!" She screamed.  
Blaizee revved up the tempo.  
"I'll smash your lamp, the antique chair, that stupid thing you always wear," She sang. "I'll smash the rack, the radio, those stupid tea cups from Limogue,"  
(the audience all whooped)  
"Those wacky paintings on the walls...darling POW! I'll smash 'em all!" She screamed.  
Ron was looking nervous, she lied down on the edge of the stage and sang right in his face.  
"Darling it's not the same, Cupid can take the blame....I'll smash the place apart..."   
"But don't worry," Sang Draco, pointing to Harry. "I WON'T SMASH YOUR HEART!!"  
"HEY!" Cried Hermione, getting up. "I was going to write a different end to that song --"  
"Don't worry baby," Said Draco, to Harry. "You know you can drive me crazy, but I'll never hurt you, I'm draco baby.."  
Harry was dying of embarassment.   
"Draco, you're ruining the song, you butt fucker!" Hermione screamed.  
"You know, Hermione's said Fuck nearly twenty-five times in this fic," Said Dean Thomas to some Ravenclaw chick.  
"Wouldn't you if you had to go through four books with permanent p.m.s and no way of venting?" She replied.  
"Hmm," Said Dean, nodding.  
"Don't you think my version of the song was much better?" Crooned Draco to Harry. Harry was basically dying of embarassment.  
"Don't worry," Said Ron, totally red. "I'm just as embarassed as you."  
They both looked at each other, and Draco began to speak dramatically into his microphone while Pansy and Millicent sang "Ooohhhhaaawwww" in the background.  
"Now I know Harry, due to a greivous tragedy we are forced to take girls to this ball, but baby… will you make out with me in a bush after it?" He asked.  
"Holy mother of Gosh no!" Cried Harry, already embarassed enough. The whole school laughed.  
"Oh come on Harry, you can do it for little old me," Grinned Draco wickedly.  
"Yes Harry, say yes!" Squealed the closest fan girl hysterically.  
"No way!" Screamed Harry, throwing a piece of turkey at Draco. It hit him right in the face.  
Draco gasped, his face had gravy all over it.   
"Agh my BEAUTIFUL FACE!" He screamed. "Fine then, Weasley will you make out with me?"  
"Sure!" Ron giggled like a school girl. And they both pranced off holding hands.  
Harry stared at them both, in horror.  
"RON!" Screamed Hermione, and she ran off crying.  
"I can't believe he left me!" Harry sobbed hysterically.  
"I thought you didn't want to make out with him," Said Pansy, in mid oooo noise.  
"I don't, I mean…" Harry cried.  
"Well you know," Said some Ravenclaw chick. "Any guy who sets up a concert for you has to be pretty special.."  
Harry suddenly looked very glowy and angsterific.  
"Yes he is!" he cried, light shining in his beautiful green eyes, like it always does when a character realises he likes another character in these bloody annoying fics.  
"Oh well, screw the concert," Said Pansy parkinson. "Cut the music!"  
All the instrument players walked off and everybody cleared out of the halls.  
"Oh crap," Said Harry, looking around desperately. "What am I going to do now?"  
"I suggest you make an appointment with the whorish Lavender to kiss the gay right out of you," Said Hermione, aware of the cruel irony.  
Harry stalked off, in a bad mood. This whole chapter was so sad and angsty!  
"Er - Hi," Came a voice behind him.  
"Draco?" He said hopefully, but he turned around and it was Ginny. "Oh, Hi." He said.  
"Um, i was wondering if you …wanted to go to the ball with me …because I like you and - er…stuff," Said Ginny quietly, staring at the ground and going bright red.  
"No offence but why are you asking me when i've just found out that I'm in love with another guy?" Asked Harry.  
"It's called Drama," Said Ginny. "So will you go with me? Please please please please PLEEEEEASE!!"  
"…Alright, but there will be no touching of my ass of any kind," Said Harry.  
And that's when Cho popped out of nowhere. Her beauty was once again astounding him.   
"Harry," She said, with a voice as soft as her eyes.   
"Y…Yes?" Said Harry, gulping. She was talking to him, the heavenly siren was talking to him.  
"Me and my friend Casey were wondering if you wanted to …join us," She said quietly, with a wicked grin.   
Casey showed up next to her and grinned wickedly too.  
"Oh - my... er..." Said Harry, his mind going places where they had never gone. "Erm -"  
"Harry's going with me!" Screamed Ginny to Cho.  
"Oh...okay," Said Cho, sadly. "Sorry to bother you, Harry," And she walked off.  
"DAMMIT!" He yelled, and he kicked the nearest chair over. "This chapter is filled with so much SADNESS!"  
  
~ Thus ends the sad chapter part one 


	5. the other sad chapter

A/N The Other sad chapter.  
Part two of the first chapter , we do not own Harry Potter blah blah blah.  
This chapter features slut bomb Hermione and Lockhart getting to know his  
new daddy. We are sick little monkeys.  
"Er…my lord?" Said Lucius, listening to some very suspicious sounds coming from Voldemort's tent.  
"But daddy!" A voice cried, painfully.  
"Obliviate!" Another voice cried, shutting the first one up…  
"Ackkk!!" Screamed the other, and they must have fainted because they didn't talk very much after that.  
"Give 'daddy' some SUGAR!" Shouted the other one's voice.  
"Lord!" Lucius insisted.  
There was a ruffled noise and a faint cough.  
"Come in," The voice coughed.  
Lucius entered and found Voldemort sitting on a desk, attempting to keep a cool expression on his face.  
"Lord, your plan has succeeded! Word has it that Harry Potter has just turned gay!" Lucius cried.  
"Oh Really!" Voldemort cried, then started giggling for no apparent reason. "How can you tell?"  
"Well I heard it from Mr Parkinson who heard it from Mrs Parkinson who heard it from her daughter Pansy," Said Lucius, gossip queen.  
Voldemort started making moaning noises and he began to giggle again. Lucius looked at the desk suspiciously.   
"Is there a…dog under there?" He asked, after he heard a growl.  
"No." Said Voldemort firmly.  
"Er…we also have recieved word that Harry is defenceless and should be killed soon - " Said Lucius, changing the subject quickly.  
"Goody!" Said Voldemort. "How did you find out?"  
"I got a note that said; Dear Voldemort - Harry is defenceless and should be killed soon. A nice dramatic time to kill him would be in the summer yule ball! CHEERS - Fred and George."  
"Who are Fred and George?" Asked Voldemort as he attempted to kick something under the desk.  
"We have no idea, but they signed the letter in pink ink, which means they are on our side," Said Lucius, and he revealed the pink triangle that had replaced the dark mark.  
"Oo very good." Said Voldie, writhing his hands. "We shall kill him tomorrow."  
"Er, Voldemort," Said Lucius sheepishly. "Whatever happened to Peter Pettigrew? Y'know, that wormtail fellow?"  
"Oh," Said Voldemort grimly. "Let's just say he was not fit to be...*Head* of an evil organisation,"  
"You chopped off his head and stuck it one of the pikes in front of the clubhouse?"  
"...Yes."  
"I'll tell the death eaters to get ready to attack," Said Lucius.  
"Very good," Said Voldemort. "Now get out of my sight, I have some…business, to attend to."  
  
***  
  
Mcgonnagal straightened her robes momentarily just incase Remus was in the office. She revealed a little bit of cleavage…after all, you never knew. Slowly, fixing her jet black hair, she knocked on the door.  
"Yes," Said Remus, opening the door slightly. "Oh, you're not Snape."  
"Why on earth would I be Snape?" Asked Mcgonnagal.  
Remus went white.  
"Er…I need some more wolfsbane potion," He said, striking his hands on his hips.   
He took in the bright blue robes she was wearing, the carefully applied red lippening charm, the powdered bosom and the omnious creaking of a wonder bra working to maximum potential.  
"Remus my dear," She said, pushing her way past, and Remus caught a whiff of Celestina Warbeck's perfume. "As you know, the ball is tomorrow."  
"Yes I know." Said Remus, going red.  
"And I was wondering if I could...er...be escorted by you --because you're um --" She said, rather shiftily.  
"Minerva, you were my TEACHER at school!" Said Remus, looking at her with a mix of surprise and admiration.  
"Well I do not have anybody of my AGE who will take me -" Said Mcgonnagal quickly. "Besides, I'm only fourty-seven."  
He looked at her.  
"Allright, fifty seven." She admitted.  
"Of course then," Said Remus, being his jolly/angsty self that we all know and love. "I shall take you."  
Minerva smiled and went (if possible) even redder than before.  
"Er..." said Remus slowly. "Do you by any chance know who Snape is going with?"  
"Professor Sinistra."  
"...Oh...Alright, I'll meet you in the entrance halls."  
"Oh, and Remus," Said Mcgonnagal.  
"Yes?" Asked Remus, looking adorable.  
"Wear those pistachio robes I like," She said, and with a last heave of her mighty bosom she fled the room.  
Remus smiled as she left, and then walked back into his room. He sat down at his desk and looked at his framed photos. He looked at one of him with him, Sirius, James and Peter all laughing at Snape with his hair on fire.  
"Good times," He muttered with a smile. And he looked out at the window, at the almost full moon in the inky black sky and wondered.   
"I wonder...I wonder where Sirius ...could be?"  
  
***  
  
Snuffles was in the middle of an arrangement with a pretty pink french poodle, when suddenly he received an owl from Dumbledore. Hey, when you've been in Azkaban for ten years and spend a further three as a dog, you get your kicks from just about anywhere.  
He read the note and barked with Joy... Hogwarts was having another Yule ball! He remembered the good 'ol days at Hogwarts...He remembered setting Remus up with that Adhara girl, that was a good laugh. And he also remembered Lily and James, staring at each other's eyes as though they were going to fall into them. Snuffles remembered he was a big lady-killer back then.  
He looked back at the poodle. "I guess times haven't really changed," He thought.  
"I'll call you some time," He barked at the poodle.  
"Don't bothair, ass hole," She replied.  
And she stalked off with her puffy tail in the air.   
  
***  
Ron was stalking around the common room with frustration. The ball was tomorrow and he still didn't have a date.  
Tomorrow? Wow that moved fast - noticed one of the authors.  
"It was the middle of summer and now it's Christmas?" Some Ravenclaw Chick cried loudly to Cho's friend Casey as they walked past.  
"Harry said no to making out with Draco, so it's going to be a cold cold summer," Replied Casey.  
"Soooo what're you wearing?" Giggled Cho to Casey as they walked down the halls.  
"Um, like a dress."  
"Me too!"  
And they giggled like bimbos.  
"Hey you two bimbos with the big tits!" Ron cried, pointing at them, a stupid thing to say to two Ravenclaws.  
"Like we are not bimbos, everyone knows that Ravenclaws are smart lesbians," Said Cho who happened to be in the Griffindor common room, and she looked at Casey, wiggling her eyebrows.  
"Harry, stay out of the plot!" The older Author barked at Harry, who was trying to take over the story.  
Harry walked off dejectedly. "I'm supposed to be gay anyway, against my will," He muttered darkly.  
"You'll stay damn gay until we bloody change our minds!" Screamed the older author.  
"Um will any of yous go with me to the Yule ball?" Asked Ron to Cho and Casey.  
"We've both got dates with quidditch capitains," Said Casey.  
"Sorry," Said Cho sadly.  
"Oh," Said Ron sadly, and the whole world said awww because we all know that one of Ron's secret desires is to become a quidditch capitain. Poor angsty Ron!  
"I don't have a date!" Screamed some Ravenclaw Chick.  
"I don't even know your name," Said Ron.  
"You don't?" She asked. "It's Some Ravenclaw Chick."  
"Excuse me?"  
"That's my name! Some Ravenclaw chick!"  
"Er...okay, er...Some Ravenclaw Chick.. you're hot so will you go with me?"  
"Yes Ron, yes i will." Said Some Ravenclaw Chick, and she started squeeling hysterically.  
"So your name's really some?" He asked.  
"Yes, it's a very old traditional Hebrew name, it means drinking camels," She replied.  
"Really?"  
"No, actually my first name is Some Ravenclaw Chick, my last name is Sanders."  
"...Whatever, I'll see you tomorrow." Said Ron distractedly, as he walked over to the boys dormitories.  
"Oh my God, someone actually acknowlaged that I EXIST!" She squealed. "You won't regret this Ron!" She cried. "And If you're lucky, tomorrow can be an all-night party, if you know what I mean!"  
Ron shuddered.  
"This is the happiest day of my life!" She cried, bursting into tears.  
  
***  
  
Hermione had managed to coax Dean Thomas into going to the ball with her. Lavender was going with Seamus Finnigan, against her will. She was still mad at the bloody poofter.  
(The authors would like to appologise for the use of the word 'Poofter' which may offend people with homosexual tendencies. Lavender Brown as shown before is a homophobic whore so we cannot be held responsible for her actions)  
Hermione's jealousy of Draco and Ron was getting higher by the minute. She even tried to ...er...do things, with Dean, so to speak. In their last class for the day Hermione came late, her hair was pretty messy and some of her buttons were undone.   
"Oh, sorry professor snape," She said.  
"You are late."  
"Yes, I am late," Said Hermione with a giggle. "I had to stay in the halls for a minute to....er....sharpen Dean's pencil."  
Everybody stared at her for a minute.  
"And - And i was late for another minute because Dean asked me to COME with him!" Cried Hermione, bursting out with hysterical laughter.  
Snape stared at her.  
"Excuse me?" He said.  
"You might, you might say that i SCREWED Dean, and I'm making stupid puns about it!" She cried, laughing even more hysterically.  
The class looked astounded.  
"Er...forget the last thing i said," She said, and she sat down quietly and grinned mischeivously, remembering the previous incident ;  
Dean Thomas was busy sketching. He was sketching because that's the only interesting thing that's ever been revealled about his bloody character. Well that and he owns a poster of some soccer team, and we're not going to begin this scene with Dean staring at footballer's asses are we?  
Suddenly he looked up… there was someone standing in the doorway of the boys room and he nearly bit through his pencil.   
Hermione had been working very hard, she had borrowed the sluttiest outfits in Lavender's wardrobe, black leather pants with prostitute boots (otherwise known as fuck-me-boots), black corset and whip (which Lavender had once used on Ron). She had put on incredibly dramatic red lipstick and piled her curly hair into a messy tumble on her head.   
"Holy shit!" Dean said, a million and one porno fantasies flying around in his head.  
"Why hello dean," She said, licking her lips. "Thinking about Seamus now?"   
"Oh God," Whispered Dean, trying to hide his..er…y'know…  
"Now Dean, you've been a very bad boy and I'm going to punish you," She said, cracking her whip.  
She pushed him onto the bed, and there was the sound of the matress moving.  
"Once you go black you never go back!" She cried.  
Out of nowhere, cheesy 7 porno music began to play.  
"Let's get it on," She grinned and Dean made a small eeping noise under his breath.  
Hermione grinned cheekily in potions class, not paying attention to professor Snape's lesson.  
"I'm going with Some Ravenclaw Chick," Bragged Ron to Hermione, so she'd be pissed off.  
"I'm going with Dean," Giggled Hermione, not angry at all. "He has a nice banana."  
"Really?" Said Ron, impressed. "Is it big?"  
"It tasted good."  
"Ohhh...don't tease me like this."  
"And it was so yellow and ripe."  
"Ohhh...i mean....WHAT?" Yelled Ron in the middle of class.   
"Ten points off griffindor for giving Ron a boner," Said Snape, and all the slytherins laughed.  
"I was talking about a banana he gave me," Said Hermione with a wicked grin. "It's a fetish."  
She reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of half-eaten fruit.  
"See, it's not my fault Ron's perverted," She said cheekily.  
"Ron, Ten points off Griffindor for wanting to give fruit a blowjob," Said Snape. He sniffed. "Speaking of blowjobs I have to er…give a wolf some flea powder," He said, running out of the room.  
"That was weird," Said Lavender from where she was very busy, adjusting her bra straps.  
"You know, I'm offended with all these fruit references, it's very homophobic," Said Draco sourley.  
"Oh Hush honey, Hermione Is just being a bitch," Said Harry, without thinking.  
"Did you just call me honey?" Draco asked eagerly.  
"Er no, I said…frumpy, you're dressed pretty crap Draco," He lied quickly.  
"You want me," whispered draco.  
"No i don't." Said Harry.  
"Well I'm going to the ball with a girl tomorrow," Said Draco scathingly. "And no where near you."  
"Yeah well I'm going to be going with Ginny!" He cried triumphantly.  
"Oh big loss, that girl's got a chest like an ironing board with two peas on it," Responded Draco.  
"She's… developing quite nicely," Stuttered Harry. "And besides I thought you liked flat chests, mr fucks-butts-alot."  
"I like flat chests with muscles on them, not freckles, moron," Draco responded.  
"I like Ginny's freckles," Stuttered Harry.  
"Oh sure, and I like big breasted German women," Said Draco.  
"That is a racist comment!" Cried Harry, pointing to Draco's head dramatically.  
"Oh and Mudblood isn't?" Pointed out Hermione.  
"Ten points from Griffindor for exposing Draco's ignorance!" Snapped Snape, who had just wandered in dressed in nothing but a pair of jeans and a string vest.  
"Finished with the wolf, professor?" Lavender asked, kindly.  
"Four hundred points from Griffindor for exposing a sexual innuendo!" Said Snape, a pannicked look on his face.  
Lavender opened her mouth and closed it like a goldfish because she was so shocked and annoyed.  
"End of lesson," said Snape, adjusting his pants so that they would not fall. "Get out of my sight."  
"What Sexual Innuendo?" She whispered to Parvati, thoroughly confused.  
There was a growl from under his desk, everyone looked at it omniously.  
"Run!" Ron screamed, and everyone dashed out of the room, terrified.  
  
***  
  
As day was slowly turning into night, and night turning into morning in a slow beautiful way, the authors sat in the halls of hogwarts in their pyjamas, drinking coffee.  
"This chapter was quite sad," Said the Older one, taking a sip. "I hate coffee," she added, tipping it onto the floor.  
The younger one had thrown away her coffee and used her super writing powers to change it into cocoa with marshmallows.  
"I rather enjoyed this chapter," Said the younger one. "We didn't expose our ignorance once."  
"It is egotystical how we keep writing ourselves into the story though," Said the older one.  
"Yes, but...we're special." Said the younger one, pouring more marshmallows into her cocoa.  
"Hmm... it's about two o clock in the morning," Said the older one, her red hair flashing in the flickering shadows cast by a large candle.  
"I rather enjoyed the adjectives used in the last sentence," Said the younger one, who wrote it.  
"Draco and Harry should be having sex around now, everyone knows they have sex at two am," She responded.  
"Yes but they are not having sex right now,' Said the young one. "I mean, it's night time."  
"Oh alright, I suppose I'll have to be patient along with everyone else," Said the older Author reluctantly.  
"Soon the yule ball will commence," Said the younger one, staring out the window at the starry sky. "Yes, it will be very dramatic."  
"Dramatic, funny and climatic - with sexy results!" Cried the older author.  
"Sexy results?"  
"They said that on the simpsons," Muttered the older one guiltily.  
"The tension is so cool," Said the younger one, twirling some of her black hair on her finger. "I mean, Voldemort will be coming to the school tomorrow,"  
"And don't forget, Draco and Harry will probably sort out whatever they need to sort out!" Pointed out the red-headed one.  
"Really?" asked the young one.  
"Think about it," Said the older one. "Issues are always sorted out at the Prom - in movies."  
"Hmmm," Said the black-haired one, nodding.  
"So, in fanfics they are always sorted out at a ball of some kind."  
"You're a genius heather!"  
"Well yes, yes i am." Said the red-headed one, with a flattering grin. "And Malfoy of course will wear a blue silk dress, because pink taffetta doesn't go with his complexion."  
"But i want him to wear a black trenchcoat like the guy in cruel intentions!" Cried the youngest author.  
"Well it's not up to us," Said the older one.  
"Yes it is up to us, we're the authors!"  
"Look, the audience has had enough of us, they're getting bored, we have to go away and end this chapter!" Cried the red-headed author.  
"Oh, so you were trying to say something mysterious,"   
"YES!"  
"Er...Yeah, It's ...er...not up to us," Said the young black-haired one.  
"Because fate will decide!" Cried the older one, throwing her arms into the air.  
"Whether true love will prevail," Whispered the younger one.  
"Or whether it will not!"  
They blew out the candle's flame, plunging the room into darkness. Somewhere a wolf howled, and it was immediately gang raped by Snape.  
  
*** 


	6. The summer winter ball

CHAPTER 6 - THE WINTER/SUMMER BALL   
  
The weather was suffering dreadful confusion, in it's dim sort of way it knew that the day should have started with a sticky heart-blazing morning filled with azure skies and the smell of sunscreen. Instead, the weather had an overwhelming urge to drop the temperature and create snow.  
  
At number whatever on Privet drive, the Dursleys were baffled by the sudden snow, while they made their ninth consecutive appearance on Jerry Springer via satelite with their "My nephew is Harry Potter and worships satan, while my son is an abusive obese gay pimp lord" storyline.  
  
"I just got a letter from someone named Mr. U.Know.Who," Said Mr Dursley.  
  
"Oh, is he German?" Said Petunia as several camera men rigged up the system in their kitchen.  
  
"Can't be having these foreign devils… anyway, Mr U know Who says: Dear Mr and Mrs Dursley, I will be killing your nephew Harry potter tonight," Said Mr dursley. "I am telling you now so you can arrange his funeral," He finished, dropping the letter, a baffled expression on his face.  
  
"Oh that's wonderful!" Cried Petunia, throwing some cabbage into the air. "And that was awfully considerate of him warning us in advance!" She added, straightening Dudley's leather pants.  
  
"Yes but I'm not forking over any dosh to bury that boy, he can go in the backyard with Dudley's dead cat," Said Vernon.  
  
"But Vernon! He will ruin my prized Dahlias!" Shrieked Petunia.  
  
"Alright I'll take the day off work to cart his corpse off to the dump, I can't believe the sacrifices I make for that boy…losing a whole day's pay and driving him all the way to the city dump," Grumbled Vernon.  
  
"What an ungrateful boy," Snarled Petunia, nodding at Vernon.  
  
"Are you ready?" Said the camera man.  
  
Dudley swung around the bath tub, his obese body had to sit in order to remain perfectly cool, he was the size of a mini bus.  
  
"Remember to focuss on my sexy titties!" He cried, gesturing to his chicken-grease covered front.  
  
"Oh God," The camera man said with horror.  
  
"Oh come on, you know they're bigger than your wive's! Whooo boy I'm such a sexy man!" He cried, rubbing down his man boobies.  
  
"Yes you are Dudley, and this TV appearance will get you as many girls as you want," Petunia cried.  
  
"Yuck," Said a blonde girl who walked past.  
  
***  
  
We now return to Hogwarts on this chilly morning as the students wake up. Lavender woke up, kicked about ten boys who were (supposedly) gay out of her bed. Hell it was much easier having an orgy with plenty of hot guys when they were all men.  
  
"Lavender wake up!" Squealed Parvati patil, from outside her bed.  
  
"What is it," She said drowsily, smacking the tenth guy in the forhead and trying to go back to sleep.  
  
"The Yule ball is tonight!" She said excitedly. "We're finally going to end this madness!"  
  
"Oh yeah," Lavender mused "Oh fudge, we forgot to get dresses!" She shrieked.  
  
"Lavender, you always walk around in your underwear," Pointed out Parvati.  
  
"Thanks to Draco it's ten degrees outside…I have to cover myself up," Said Lavender.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Said Parvati. "I got a free dress with the one i bought."  
  
"Really?!" Screamed Lavender, ecstatically. "Can i see!?"  
  
"It's in your wardrobe, i stuck it there myself. D'you want to see mine?" She said, running over to her own wardrobe and taking out a stunning magenta dress.  
  
Lavender got out of her bed almost instantaneously and ran to her wardrobe. She opened the door at the speed of light and…  
  
It was the most horrible disgusting abomination of a dress that had ever been created. It was the dress that Nicole Kidman had worn to the last Oscars, the weird grey maid one that all the critics hated!  
  
"AAAAGH!" She screamed. "I can't wear grey, it would look horrible with my complexion!"  
  
"It's not grey, it's Lavender!" I thought you'd like it!" Said Parvati sadly, sniffing.  
  
"Oh so if my name was Shit-Brown you'd expect me to wear that?" Shrieked Lavender.  
  
"Hey that's my name," Said a sleepy Hufflepuff, putting on his pants.  
  
"His last name is brown too? You aren't related to him are you?" Parvati asked.  
  
"No, …hmm, maybe..I'll have to get back to you on that," Said Lavender as Shit Brown left the room.  
  
"Come on, you'll look great," Said Parvati.  
  
"I repeat, I am not wearing that." Said Lavender angrily.  
  
"Then what are you going to wear?" Asked Parvati innocently.  
  
Lavender sat on her bed, looking thoughtful. She briefly debated on going naked, that way she could get a date easily, but it was far too cold, and she didn't want to get frostbite on her lovely delicate toes. Come to think of it, she was sick of Cho Chang's friend Casey calling her a slut.  
  
"Well?" Parvati interrupted.  
  
"Well…I have a plan," Said Lavender evily.   
  
Parvati looked amused. "What exactly?"  
  
Lavender glared at her.  
  
"You and Hermione have to be really mean to me and treat me like a slave," Lavender began.  
  
"Er..." Said Parvati.  
  
"Then I have to be all like "I'm going to the ball huh huh huh or whatever" and then my fairy godmother will show up!" She cried.  
  
"Lavender, there's no such thing as a fairy godmother," Said Parvati.  
  
"This is coming from a girl who uses house elves to give you a massage!" Said Lavender. "Anything in this world is possible."  
  
"But Lavy, fairy godmothers only work for the deserving goody Mary Sues and you're an evil bitch!" Pointed out Parvati.  
  
"True, which is why we need to make this act convincing," Said Lavender.  
  
"Okay, let's try it then, Lavenerella."  
  
***  
  
Time was flying by that day, since there were no classes, Harry had been chatting to Ron about Draco by the fire, and Hermione was reading a book beside the window. Of course they had forgotten all about Hagrid who was probably too busy getting pissed in his cabin to mind that they weren't visiting him, but who cares anyway?  
  
"The thing is Ron, I have just realized that for no particular reason, I'm madly in love with Draco. He's changed into a wonderful person," Said Harry, staring into the fire dramatically. "He's no longer the rude little frogmuncher he was before, he's so polite and quiet and dark and brooding, he hasn't called Hermione a mudblood for ages."  
  
"He called me one yesterday," Said Hermione, barely looking up from her book.  
  
"Oh I'm sure he didn't mean it," Said Harry.  
  
"He screamed it from the rooftop with a magically enhanced voice, then he burnt it into the grass on the quidditch pitch." Hermione stated coldly.  
  
"He was just joking…"  
  
"Then he followed me for seven hours straight screaming 'Hermione is a mud blood' until he lost his voice," She finished gravely.  
  
"I don't care, I love Draco and I want to marry him and have his babies!" Screamed Harry hysterically.  
  
Ron imeditatly jumped up to comfort him.  
  
"Now look what you've done," He said to Hermione furiously.  
  
"Me? He's the one who wants to get with a man whore!" Hermione cried and Harry burst into tears.  
  
"Draco is not a man whore, I LOVE HIM!" Harry cried.  
  
"Oh God, I'm going to go find Dean," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. She reached towards the side of her chair and grabbed her whip.  
  
"I'll be right back" she snickered.  
  
***  
  
The ball was going to start in about three hours and people had already started to get ready.   
  
Wow, this moves fast. Hey, at least we had the decency to write stuff instead of say "The ball was about to start!" without adding any foreground. We are nice authors. Nyeeehh!  
  
Since the boys were now gay they actually took time getting dressed, unlike when they're normal they take a shower for three minutes and throw on any old rag they own and come down to party hard. They were particularly worried about their makeup.  
  
Ron was struggling with his black tie.   
  
Draco just happened to be in the same room with Ron, taunting him about the freckles on his chest.  
  
"Don't knock it til you've tried it," Said Ron defensively.  
  
"I have," Said Draco, sighing.   
  
"Why haven't you got your robes on yet?" Asked Ron.  
  
"I have a...surprise - if you will," Said Draco rather fast, with a mysterious glance to Ron, who was still struggling with his tie.  
  
"UUrargh!" He yelled, throwing it to the ground.  
  
"Oh come here," Said Draco as he stood behind Ron's back, and tied the tie around his neck. "Weasleys and their ties," He snickered.  
  
"I can tie my own tie." Muttered Ron.  
  
"Shut up and hold still."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Whoopee for inuendos!" Cheered Some Slytherin Chick (some ravenclaw chick's cousin) who was only there to recite a funny line.  
  
Ron tried to hide his grin. "Er, thanks,"  
  
Draco finished tying Weasley's tie in an incredibly suggested way and then kissed him on the nose before dissappearing behind a shower screen. There was a rustled sound of silk, then the curtains were kicked aside.  
  
Ron gaped, his eyes suddenly filled with frilly lacy horror, his eyes fell on the hairy manly legs tottering in high heels, the boyish hips swaddled in fine silk, and finally the wonder bra draco had shoved down his shirt.  
  
"Er…Malfoy, do you think you should be wearing that?" He asked, and Malfoy snapped a lace fan open like a gun shot.  
  
"Pansy says this is what all the rich folk wear," Said Draco in an over-the-top accent.  
  
"But it's a DRESS!" Ron cried.  
  
"I like having some air around my privates, besides if I dress like a girl, I might finally convince Harry to let me polish his broomstick," Said Malfoy mischeivously.  
  
"BUT IT'S A DRESS!"  
  
"I don't know why you're so upset, you wore a dress to our ball in the fourth year," Pointed out Draco.  
  
"I guess I did….no wait a minute, I didn't…" Said Ron, looking adorably confused.  
  
"Oh yes, that was my reocurring nightmare I kept having last year…" Said Draco.  
  
"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to wear a dress," Said Ron in his british accent. "Look at me, I'm wearing long white robes with a black tie! Dead Sexy!"  
  
"I want to shock the whole Yule ball with my presence!" Said Draco.  
  
"Then why are you telling me?" Asked Ron, looking hopeful. "Do you …like me, or something?" He started to stare at the ground and his ears went red.  
  
"Why am I telling you?" Said Draco, looking stupid. "Er…good point…"  
  
"You weren't supposed to tell anybody, Draco!" Said the younger author, who flicked Draco's ear from the heavens with her giant hand.  
  
The older Author got a humungous old style pocket watch out and swang it around, wrecking half the room.  
  
"You will forget everything you have heard!" She said to Ron, Draco and any annonymous background characters.  
  
And their eyes went all swirley like in the cartoons!  
  
"And Hermione, you will love Ron again!" Said young black-haired author, appearing to Hermione who was in the grounds, suddenly stunned by the wanna-be-demi-godess before her.  
  
"Shut up!" Said the older one, who flicked the younger one on the ear.  
  
The younger one pouted and sat in the clouds where she feasted on her heavenly Peanut M&Ms.  
  
The older one clicked her fingers and all their eyes stopped being swirley, and they all looked completely shocked as she dissapeared in a puff of smoke.  
  
Hermione who was down in the grounds was stunned also, but then brought back her usual sarcastic look.   
  
"They really ought to stop writing themselves into the fic," She said. "It's sooo egotystical."  
  
"I agree," Said Lavender, who was digging up a pumpkin near her, and was dressed in horrible rags.  
  
"Lavender, why are you down here?" Said Hermione, shocked. "The ball is in three hours!"  
  
"I have to aquire my dress don't I?" Said Lavender. "Ohh, here come Parvati and Ginny, be quiet Hermione!"  
  
Parvati and Ginny were already dressed appropriately as if the ball had already commenced. They were holding scripts and they walked over to Lavender and cleared their throats. Lavender put on a sweet sugary voice.  
  
"Oh, hello dear friends!" She said sweetly. "I cannot wait until the ball!"  
  
"You shall not go to the ball!" Said Parvati dramatically, peeking at the script every two seconds.  
  
"You-shall-not-go!" Said Ginny, reading the script as though she was a four-year-old.  
  
"You have no dress!" Said Parvati. "Your dress has been destroyed by…racoons!"  
  
"By Racoons!" Said Ginny.  
  
"Oh please, there are no Racoons in England," Said Hermione, who had conjured some popcorn out of no where.  
  
Lavender winced but did not reply. She wanted this to go perfect.  
  
"I admit I have no dress," Said Lavender.  
  
"You will not go!" Said Parvati. "You will stay here in the cinders of the fireplace!"  
  
"The fireplace!" Said Ginny dramatically.  
  
"What fireplace?" Said Hermione.  
  
Lavender winced again and didn't reply.  
  
"Oh woe is me!" Cried Lavender, putting the back of her hand on her forhead. "For I had wished dearly to attend the ball!"  
  
"You are not worthy of going to the ball," Said Parvati, turning over the page. "Have fun cleaning."  
  
Ginny scanned the page for any lines she might have but there were none, so she shrugged and walked off with Parvati, who was looking very proud of herself.  
  
Lavender sat down on the filthy ground as the dark clouds moved fast across the sky and Hermione looked curiously at the forest which suddenly seemed to be very dark and windy.  
  
"Oh dear!" Said Lavender softly, almost bringing tears to her eyes. "I guess I will never go to the ball!"  
  
"Yes you will!" Said a voice, and a big dark cloud came in front of them, spinning around like some sort of whirlpool. Who should appear there but - Professor Mcgonnagal?  
  
"Professor?" Cried Hermione in astonishment. "You're Lavender's fairy Godmother?"  
  
"I'm everybody's fairy Godmother," Said Mcgonnagal sternly, crossing her legs and sitting on now small puffy cloud. She had pink fairy wings and light-blue robes. "Now, I suppose you'll be wanting a dress?"  
  
"Er…yes?" Said Lavender.  
  
"Name your favourite dress-length, colour and time period." Said Mcgonnagal lazily.  
  
"Um I like short pink dresses from the sixties!" Cried Lavender.  
  
"A long yellow renaissance dress it is!" Said Mcgonnagal, completely ignoring her.  
  
"Oh crap I HATE the renaissance!" Screamed Lavender.  
  
There was a huge flash of light and Lavender was wearing a beautiful yellow dress with diamonds along the hem and waist.   
  
"This is stupid, the diamonds aren't even real!" Muttered Lavender.  
  
"Now you'll be going with my nephew I suppose?" Asked Mcgonnagal.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Ohhh," Said Hermione. "Isn't he that guy who's the president of the Lord of the Rings fan club and owns his own chain of dorky comic book shops?"  
  
"That's the one." Said Mcgonnagal.  
  
"No - freaking - way!" Screamed Lavender. "Comic book stores are like, totally icksome!"  
  
"He'll pick you up at the bottom of the Griffindor staircase." Said Mcgonnagal, who dissapeared in a puffy purple cloud.  
  
"CRAP!" Screamed Lavender.  
  
***  
  
Harry was about to pick up Ginny for the ball, little did he know that like in all fanfics, Ginny had suddenly become extremely beautiful. It is the rule - in every fanfic, Ginny changes from a skinny dork to a supermodel in less than five minutes. It also helped that she had the very expensive dress Draco bought her. Harry was wearing his ol' bottle green robes with black pants and had brought a small boquet of posies that he had picked from the garden.  
  
Ginny descended the stairs in her gown, looking just like Willow from Buffy the Vampire slayer in the prom episode, all pretty and cute.  
  
"Oh Harry, I've suddenly gotten breasts and my freckles have all disspeared!" She cried joyfully.  
  
"That's nice," He said, a bored expression on his face.  
  
"It's soo great because I hate the ones on my shoulders," She said chirpily. "This ...is the happiest moment of my life!" She giggled as she snatched the posies, linked arms with harry and proceeded to skip downstairs.  
  
"I wish you had a penis," Said Harry.  
  
"Um sorry?" Said Ginny. "I didn't catch that, what did you say?"  
  
"I said...Do you think Ron would mind if I ...fondled you a bit?" Asked Harry quietly.  
  
Ginny giggled her head off.  
  
"Well yeah...and Fred and George would probably hang you up from the quidditch hoops by your underpants." She giggled.  
  
"Well can I fondle you when we're near draco?" Asked Harry desperately.  
  
"Well...um..." Said Ginny, her face was scarlet and her giggling was uncontrolable.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes," Said Harry. "C'mon, let's go."  
  
***  
  
Draco had gotten out his Mary Sue Malfoy wig out again...  
  
"Oh great, just what i need," Said Pansy with annoyance as Malfoy came out of his dormitory and kissed her hand. "Now i look like a bloody lesbian."  
  
"Well everybody thinks you are anyway," Sneered Draco. "How do I look?"  
  
"But....you're dressed like a girl!" Cried Pansy. "Gay guys are hot because they wear tight pants that show off their sexy asses!"  
  
"I am going like a girl so I can WIN HARRY!"  
  
"How can i look at your hot hot ass if it's under a poofy dress?" She added hysterically. "Please, please can't you change it?"  
  
"I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for Harry." Said Draco, looking annoyed.  
  
"But if Harry's gay right now, he'll have no interest in you wearing a dress."  
  
"HARRY'S GAY?" Screamed Draco.  
  
"Er…yeah?"  
  
"Oh, alright!" he said, and he ripped all his clothes off so he was stark naked. "Goodbye petticoat!" He cried.  
  
"Mother Goose!" Cried Parvati, looking down at his...er...stuff. "You're smaller than a garden gnome!"  
  
"Shut up." Sneered Draco, and he ran back into his dormitory to find some sexy sexy gay-man clothes.  
  
"Why are you here?" Pansy asked Parvati furiously.  
  
"I've never seen a penis before and i wanted to know incase there was something wrong with Bobby Bigstaff's one tonight." She said quietly, and walked off.  
  
Pansy blinked. Yes, blinked. "I'm pretty sure that was a sock, not a penis." She muttered to herself, referring to Draco's ample improvements.  
  
Draco came out uncertainly.  
  
"Oh my!" Cried Pansy.  
  
He was wearing a tight black shirt with dark pants and a long leather trench coat, with his hair all gelled back…in fact, he looked almost exactly like a younger version of Spike from Buffy. He walked uncertainly into the room and looked at a mirror on the wall, turning around and checking if his pants looked good.  
  
"How do I look?" He asked, straightening his jacket.  
  
"Draco…you look…so …wow…" Panted Pansy. "Can…can I please please kiss your cheekbones?"  
  
Draco looked bemused for a moment. "I'd prefer that you didn't." He muttered.  
  
***  
  
"Chori Chori Chori!" sang a tribe of indian sex gurus who were entertaining at the ball.  
  
"Ohhh I cannot stand this any longer," Muttered Lucius, who was outside with Voldemort, gone incognito. "Please please can we attack?" He added.  
  
"Not yet," Said Voldemort. "We have to lure him outside. Remember the note, Lucius."  
  
"But I can't stand that Chori Chori Chori crap any longer!" Muttered Lucius with a tinge of annoyance to his voice.  
  
"What, how dare you!" Screeched Voldemort. "It's a fantastic song, you sick bastard!" He attempted to perform Avada Kadavra but instead turned him into a waffle iron. Since waffle irons would be useless in this mission unless he wanted a waffle, which was very unlikely as Voldemort did not like them, he switched him back to a human, which made everyone sad because the death eaters wanted waffles.  
  
Lucius looked annoyed and threatened. "I'm sorry for questioning you, my lord."  
  
"You damn well better, next time I'll do the cruciatus curse until you cry like a little three-year-old girl."  
  
"Sir, when shall the plan commence then?" Asked Vincent Crabbe's father.  
  
"As soon as they come outside." Said Voldemort ingeniously. "The spell I have cast upon them will become far more intense at around eleven O'clock."  
  
"For a while I thought Mr Potter was too Pure to fall under the spell, for as you know, the filthiest souls become infected with the enchantment first." Said Goyle's father.  
  
"Oh no, Potter's a perve." Began Lucius.  
  
"All who is not a perve raise their hands." Said Voldemort impatiently.   
  
All of the death eaters slowly raised their hands, all blushing. Voldemort grinned. "Do not underestimate my spell, Lucius."  
  
"Now let's go eat cake, icecream and boogie the night away!" He cried, revealing a very stylish pair of day glow sneakers.  
  
"Yay yay yay yay yay yay yay!" All the death eaters screamed, as the indian trible chorus swelled!  
  
***  
  
There was only one word that could best describe Seth Hazza Biggerstaff, and that was Sexy.  
  
With chestnut brown hair that flowed in the breeze, gorgeous broad arms and endless Hazel eyes that looked like shining opals in the night time, he was probably the most gorgeous boy Lavender had ever seen. As she cascaded down the steps to meet him, she opened her mouth to timidly say hi, but was frozen by his dazzling Brad Pitt smile.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" She squealed. "Let's skip the ball and screw like bunnies!"  
  
"Ten points from griffindor for being a dirty whore," Said Severus who walked past, arm in arm with professor Sinistra.   
  
Seth proceeded to link arms with Lavender who was swooning like a fan girl on Ben Affleck, and walked down the hall.  
  
"Hello Seamus," She cried.  
  
"Holy shit, your date is hot!" Seamus cried, obviously jealous.  
  
"Yes, unlike you, I'm taking a real man," She said glancing at Seamus's date Cho's friend Casey.  
  
"Actually judging by my butch hair I'm pretty sure I'm a guy too," said Casey.  
  
Everyone looked at Casey.  
  
"What, no one ever said I was female!" the suddenly male Casey pointed out.  
  
"Casey how could you!" Snapped Cho, looking flabbergasted.  
  
"Excuse me!" Whimpered Casey as he/she ran out crying.  
  
"Heh, I wonder if he has a penis or not," Remarked Seth.  
  
"He speaks!" Whispered Lavender, rubbing her head against his manly chest. "Ohhh what a gorgeous voice he has..."  
  
"You know, you remind me of Arwen from Lord of the Rings, beautiful, graceful and sexy." Said Seth.  
  
"I've never read Lord of the Rings," Said Lavender, almost impressed, but smiled anyway. "At least you're right about the beautiful part!"  
  
"Like Rogue from Xmen, she has awesome knockers." He swooned.  
  
Lavender looked down at her breasts.  
  
"Well they are the size of basketballs, but I wouldn't call them 'Rogue'," She remarked, slightly confused.  
  
"And your hips are very... mmm, super..." He said, licking his lips. "As in Super girl super."  
  
"...Uh...uh huh." She said, slightly weirded out. He escorted her to one of the many circular tables and got her a small glass of punch.  
  
"You know, after this ball, we can go up to your room and...get kinky."  
  
"Hmm Kinky," Said Lavender, taking a sip from her punch, trying to look alluring.  
  
"You could be Catwoman, and teach me how to go PUR MROWW!" He CRIED, and he actually Miowed! "And when we engage in intercourse, i want you to refer to me as Capitain Kirk, or Doctor Spok," He added huskily.  
  
"Or Superman," Said Lavender, starting to lose interest. "As in, faster than a speeding bullet."  
  
"Ohhh yeah baby, you know you want it." He purred.  
  
"You know, just because I'm the school whore doesn't mean I don't have standards," Lavender pointed out angrily. "I don't screw geeky closet fan boys!" She added firmly and tipped the punch on his head.  
  
"Wow!" He breathed, letting the punch absorb into his skin delightfully. "You remind me of Mary Jane from Spiderman! You have limits but you're still sexy and --"  
  
"OH GOD YOU PISS ME OFF!" She screeched, breaking some of the glasses with her voice. "So let's shut up and dance!" She said, dragging him onto the floor.  
  
"Whatever you say, Mary jane!"  
  
***  
  
Harry had been sitting alone at the table munching on some fizzing whizbees while Ginny was making herself pretty in the toilets with pretty much the whole population except Ron, who came to sit next to him.  
  
"Ron, I hope you don't mind me taking your sister to the ball," Said Harry before Ron could even say hello.  
  
Ron was surprised at this sudden outburst and didn't reply for a few seconds.  
  
"Well actually I was going to come over here to ask if you would fancy a ...er...never mind," Said Ron. "Why would i feel bad that you're taking Ginny?"  
  
Harry looked angsty and sad.  
  
"Because...I'm going to...fondle her in front of Draco."  
  
"You're going to WHAT!" Yelled Ron, but since the whole population of the school was in the toilets nobody heard. Of course Ron didn't realise Ginny would love to see Harry fondle Draco in front of her. It was her christmas wish!  
  
"It's to get Draco jealous and like me…" Said Harry quickly.  
  
"I don't care!" said Ron. "Nobody fondles my sister, not even you!"  
  
"But it's for Draco!"  
  
"Just because i'm gay doesn't mean i don't care about my sister!" Cried Ron.  
  
"Why do you have to react like this? It's just a little bum squeeze!" Said Harry.  
  
"Listen it's the rule! Every motion picture or good fanfic the friends always have to have a fight and make up before the end of the movie or fanfic!" Shouted Ron, poking Harry angrily in the chest.  
  
"So what's the point of fighting if we're only going to make up?"  
  
"What's the point of waking up if you're only going to go back to sleep!" Shouted Ron.  
  
"Hmm good point..." Said Harry.  
  
"I'm leaving this conversation Harry," Said Ron dramatically. "And one more thing..."  
  
"...What?"  
  
"...What's a movie?"  
  
"It's pictures that move, Ron." Harry said quietly.  
  
"Pictures already move," Said Ron.  
  
"Alright, it's really big moving pictures with lots of half naked ladies."  
  
"Right. Thankyou." Ron said, storming off.  
  
***  
  
Remus J Lupin had been hiding from Professor Mcgonnagal for at least ten minutes. He couldn't stand her making those stupid innuendo jokes anymore. ("It's not the size of the wand, it's the magic inside.")   
  
So he had taken refuge outside on one of the greek marble chairs overlooking the glow in the dark pixie-inhabited garden. He was also very disturbed because Professor Mcgonnagal had taken a youth charm and now looked exactly like Faith from Buffy the vampire slayer. He sat there alone, looking at the water in the lake sparkling beautifully. He felt a longing to find somebody to share this with, just somebody to talk to amidst all this beauty... but he was alone... all alone. Just like always.  
  
He was used to being alone...after all, who...who could ever ...well...love a werewolf? A monster, capable of killing them or ruining their lives with just one blood thirsty bite? Yes, was destined to be alone, alone forever.  
  
"Hello sexy thang!" A voice cried.  
  
Remus turned around, recognising his voice, but frowned at the sight of him.  
  
"Sirius…you're not gay," He pointed out.  
  
"Well I wasn't like ten minutes ago, but as soon as I got on the Hogwarts grounds I suddenly became attracted to men!" Said Sirius happily.  
  
"Sirius, i can't believe you're here," Said Remus timidly, looking at the swaying grass under his feet.  
  
"Why are you out here all alone?" Asked Sirius, sitting down next to him. "You should be in there partying like an animal"  
  
"I'm better off alone," Said Lupin sadly. "Because like you said, i am an animal."  
  
"I never said that, that must have been another fanfic." Sirius said.  
  
"But you just said that just then--" Said Lupin, but Sirius put a hand over his mouth and shut him up.  
  
"Remus, this place is so romantic," He whispered gruffly, and saw that Lupins eyes were locked on his. He released Lupin's mouth.   
  
"Sirius?" Said Remus, coming closer.  
  
"Oh Remus, right now i'd give all the galleons in the world to ...kiss you..." He whispered.  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
"But the fact is that...." Said Sirius. "I really, really need to crap dude..."   
  
"...excuse me?!"  
  
"Hey, i have been on the run and i haven't wiped my ass properly in years!" Cried Sirius, running out of the scene and behind the walls.  
  
"YOU BASTARD!" Remus cried  
  
"You called?" Snape cried prancing into the room in his skin tight leather outfit.  
  
"Severus!" Screamed Remus.  
  
"Oh Remus, I love screwing you so much despite the fact that in the books we hate each other," He said. "And everyone assumes we must have once had some sort of relationship even though it's never been indicated at all!"  
  
"Oh Severus, just shut up and kiss me!"  
  
***  
  
"Aaaand you knoww that we love to shaake it...it's better than to BAAAAAKE IIITTT!!!" Sang Celestina Warbeck, who was on the stage, dancing in her short sparkly dress. All the boys were going mental of course, not because of her short dress but...come on, every gay guy loves Celestina Warbeck. And to tell the truth, they all wanted to wear her dress.  
  
"Shake it bake it you know you wanna Make it, Rake it, Wake it, bake a CAKE IT" She sang.  
  
"The words are so deep and meaningful," Said Professor Flitwick. "They make you reflect on your past."  
  
"You mean you were a shake and bake baker?" Asked Professor Sinistra.  
  
"Yes, those were the days," He muttered sadly. "Where's your date?"  
  
"Outside having a threesome with a crapping dog and a werewolf," Said Sinistra, chugging her Vodka straight from the bottle.   
  
Because in all the fanfics Sinistra is always a gorgeous tortured Woman who spends her time drinking or smoking. No one ever thinks she might be duh duh duh MALE.  
  
"Eh?" Said Sirius who was drinking a bottle of Brandy behind them.  
  
"OH MY GOD IT'S SIRIUS BLACK!" Flitwick squealed, pissing his pants.  
  
"Aw Shit!" Muttered Sirius, dropping the bottle of Brandy and running outside. After all, he hadn't partied in a while and after his deserved bowel-exercising he forgot he was a convicted criminal. He returned five minutes later wearing a false beard and a moustache. Everyone ignored him, despite the face it was possibly the most pathetic disguise ever.  
  
The students however, were dancing to a slow song by Andromeda and the Gorgonias. Professor Mcgonnagal had decided to rid the ball of Celestina because of her gay encouragement. She had been sent to Antarctica where she immediately died from exposure of her midriff.  
  
Ginny looked like she was having the time of her life, with her arms around Harry's neck, swinging slowly in time to the beat. Ron looked as bored as possible, with his arms around Some Ravenclaw Chick who was going on about her long and noble family history at the top of her voice, which she had really ripped off Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
  
"So my dad, Giles and my brother Xander are both gay lovers," She said.  
  
"Uh that's really interesting." Said Ron.  
  
"They once gave birth to a vampire named angel!" she cried.  
  
"Who the hell would call a vampire angel." Said Ron.  
  
"Well they were gay weren't they? Soooo anyway I had this cousin named Dawn--"  
  
And Lavender was extremely fed up with her date, but was trying to impress Seamus by dancing with Seth. She had to keep slapping Seth's hand which kept crawling ever so slowly down to her rear end.  
  
"There will be no touching of my sweet ass whlile the panties are on thank you!" She said.   
  
Meanwhile Seamus was sobbing uncontrollably because dominatrix Hermione was leading a very horny Dean around on a leash…or at least Dean wished she was. Hermione was actually sipping some punch on a chair, sitting with her legs crossed and looking dignified.  
  
"No," She snapped, when Dean begged her to...y'know.  
  
"Why won't you whip me?" he cried.  
  
"It's for the bedroom, Dean," She said.  
  
"But the thought of you embarassing me in front of all these people is so KINKY!" Dean cried.  
  
"You are one sick puppet," Said Whoremione.  
  
She conjured a red ball with her wand, and threw it across the room and out the door so it landed in the lake. She took Dean's collar and pulled his face up to hers, and whispered.   
  
"Fetch."  
  
"You can't expect me to...oh...RUFF RUFFF!!!" Woofed Dean as he ran off into the distance.  
  
Hermione put her wand back in her moulin rougish leg-stocking thing, and waved to Ron when he walked by.  
  
"Having fun with some ravenclaw chick?" She asked sweetly.  
  
"Yeah her cousin Dawn is married to a vampire named Spike and they're next door neighbours to her gay parents." Said Ron Snidely.  
  
Thankfully Some Ravenclaw chick had got chatting to Cho's friend Casey so Ron got an excuse to come over and sit with Hermione.  
  
"I hate this ball, I hate this scenario, I hate this angst, I hate everything." Pouted Ron.  
  
"Well it's your fault for being gay," Said Hermione sweetly, crossing her arms. "And stop pouting Ron, it's embarassing."   
  
"I can't help being gay, Hermione."  
  
"Yes you can, everyone knows we are supposed to get together so I can see your hot bottom every day." Said Hermione.  
  
"We could always have a scam marriage," Said Ron.  
  
"I'm not interested, I'm with Dean now."  
  
"Yes I saw Seamus trying to kill himself,"  
  
"He'll get over it."  
  
"What, killing himself?"  
  
"Yes, when he's dead," Whoremione replied.  
  
"'Mione, why can't things just go back to the way they were?" Asked Ron sadly. "Before everything was so complicated?"  
  
"Because you were an immagure pratt who new nothing about sex and I'm a woman with NEEDS!" Screamed Whoremione.  
  
"But I'm gorgeous and innocent..Gorgeous and innocent and willing to try new things!...Apart from Gay-ism. So why am I gay?" Said Ron, with a spotlight shining on him. Wow what a performance. He'll get another Oscar for that one.  
  
"Ron, where are you going to put all your Oscars?" Lavender asked as she sashayed past with Seth.  
  
"Oh I was thinking about putting them in my pants to make myself look bigger," Said Ron.  
  
"HAH!" malfoy laughed, dancing past with Pansy.  
  
"Hermione, are we going to make up or what?" Asked Ron, ignoring Malfoy and putting a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"…No, that's a little corny." Said Hermione.  
  
"Hermione this isn't going anywhere," Said Ron. "I have to tell you something."  
  
"What." She said. "Is it a mystery? We haven't figured out a mystery in a long time."  
  
"You want a mystery? Then figure out for me why I'm gay."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I don't know why I'm gay. I just woke up one day and I found myself staring at A photo of Oliver wood."  
  
"You're gay because you're under a spell," Hermione said flatly.  
  
"I am?" Cried Ron, making the whole room stop whatever they were doing and stare at him.  
  
Ron looked into Hermione's eyes.  
  
****  
  
A particular set of devious red-headed twins were dressed in black robes.  
  
"Alright, we need to practise being gay death eaters," Said Fred.  
  
"Why?" Said George.  
  
"I'm not sure, I never got that far in the plan," Said Fred.  
  
"How is this going to break the Gay spell?" Asked George. "Do we go in there, pretend we're death eaters, find a spell book and cast the counter curse?"  
  
"Will you shut up, there is no logical expanation!" Screamed Fred. He pushed back his cloak.   
  
"How do I look?" He asked.  
  
Their dates to the ball, two members of the Griffindor Quidditch team nodded with approval.  
  
"Very gay," They said, taking in the hot pink leather pants.  
  
"Remember to practise your lisp," Said Angelina, giving Fred a kiss on the cheek. "And be careful."  
  
"Hey, that's George!" Said Fred, looking outraged.  
  
"Oh...yeah...heh...my mistake.." Said Angelina with shifty eyes.  
  
"God speed!" Said Katie Bell, giving George a hug.  
  
"Why does everybody like GEORGE!?" Cried Fred.  
  
"Oh shut up honey," Said Angelina, who started to walk off with Angelina.  
  
"I didn't know Angelina had a twin with the same name," Said George.  
  
"Well not much has been revealled about her in the books has there?" Said Fred.   
  
"I think it was an authors mistake actually." Said George.  
  
"No, I cloned her in her sleep, I can't have just one!" said Fred.  
  
"You cloned my girlfriend?" George cried.  
  
"YOUR GIRLFRIEND!?" Screamed Fred. "I thought she was MY girlfriend!"  
  
"Er…yeah…heh…yours…" Said George looking shifty eyed.  
  
"Wait, who am I again?" Said Fred, or was it George?  
  
"Being a twin sucks sometimes," Said the other twin.  
  
"Hear hear!"  
  
"We need personalities!" they both cried.   
  
The red headed author laughed evily. Suddenly Fred had an eyebrow ring and loved alternative music, and suddenly George had acne and loved Lord of the Rings.  
  
"WHY AM I A DORK!?" George cried.  
  
"Because George is a dorkier name," Said the red headed author.  
  
George threw away his 'one ring to rule them all' where it was picked up by Dobby who yelled "PRESCIOUS!" And ran away cackling evily.  
  
Suddenly a deep voice disturbed their moment. "Who goes there?"  
  
"HELLOOOOOO DARLINGTH IT'TH UTH!" Fred cried.  
  
"Yeth!" Said George, pronouncing his lisp perfectly.  
  
"Oh, come in, come in." Said the death eater.  
  
In the tower, the death eaters were drinking hot chocolate and playing strip twister.  
  
It was then that Fred noticed something was a little scary about this place, and he would rather not be here. Perhaps it was Peter Pettigrew's head on a pike in front of their hide out.  
  
"He refused to play boggle with the master" said Lucius.  
  
In the centre of the room, Voldemort sat, with Lockhart dressed in a ballerina costume at his feet. Lockhart was looking distaint and a little stoned, muttering things with a big grin on his face like "Play with the pony."  
  
"What are you doing here," Said Voldemort, stroking Lockhart's curly locks by the fire.  
  
"Er…your mightineth…we are just here to inthorm you that Harry Potter is inthide the building and should be killed!" Said Fred, a little freaked at the way Lockhart was smiling.  
  
"Yeth!" Said George with a perfect lithp.  
  
"Really?" Said Voldemort, not impressed. "And you're death eaters?"  
  
"Yeth," Said Fred.  
  
"Well I think you are imposters," Said Voldie. "Because the word 'inform' is not pronounced with a lisp."  
  
"Er...oh," Said George, looking shifty eyed.  
  
"And why aren't you talking with a lisp?" Fred asked Voldie angrilly, completely forgetting about his fake lisp.  
  
"Because I'm the head villain." Said Voldie in his evil voice. "The villain always has a freaky voice, not a funny voice….besides, who said I was gay?" He asked, scandalised.  
  
"Well you're currently using Gilderoy Lockhart as your personal puppy my lord," Said Lucius  
  
"He's a MAN!?" Voldemort screamed hysterically.  
  
"Oh shut up you're not fooling anyone," Said an annonymous henchman in the background.  
  
"Avada kedavra!" Voldemort shrieked.  
  
All the death eaters looked embarassed.  
  
"Sir, you're not holding your wand," Said Lucius.  
  
"Don't you know anything?" Cried Voldemort. "The mighty Voldemort is always a mage with super powers who doesn't need a wand!"   
  
The death eaters looked at the dead henchman on the ground and gave frightened giggles.  
  
"Sieze them!" Cried Voldemort, and immediately Fred and George were tied up before they could unleash any spell or a deadly pack of dungbombs.  
  
"Oh woe is me, we are not supposed to get into dangerous situations!" Fred cried.  
  
"Yes we're supposed to leave the dangerous stuff to Harry, and are supposed to sit around and tell jokes when people are close to having sex," George said.  
  
"At least we wish," Muttered Fred  
  
***  
  
Suddenly!  
  
A really crap song came up on the DJ circuit which had replaced the live entertainment, and Harry and Draco who had been drinking too much "Hot Chocolate" really needed to go pee. Because they are filthy and disgusting boys, it would never occur to them to use the toilets at Hogwarts, so they both decided to go outside and pee in bushes. Because everyone knows there's nothing gay about two grown men peeing next to each other.  
  
"Well hello Harry," Said Draco, pulling up his ball gown.  
  
"Since when were you wearing a ball gown." Said Harry.  
  
"I'm not." Said Draco, and Harry noticed Draco was never wearing a ball gown in the first place. And the X-files music began to play.  
  
"Nice dick by the way." Said Draco.  
  
"Oh yes, I put exfoliating cream on it," Said Harry.  
  
Because we've never seen a boys peeing session, this is what we assume men say to each other.  
  
"Hmm makes it all slippery," Draco mused.  
  
"If I didn't know better I'd say you were trying to hit on me," Said Harry, sticking his nose in the air and zipping up his pants. Usually at this point of the story it would be indicated that Harry got his broomstick caught in the zipper to make the beginning of the story worth-while and ironic, but that's not what happened… we just wanted to give the fourteen-year-old fangirls what they want, false hope. So for the fan girls, imagine a future where the two shag like bunnies, Harry magically gets pregnant and they live happily ever after…with err…puppies and kittens thrown in for the cute factor. Even though that is far, very far from what really happens…oh my yes…  
  
Harry looked out into the dark prettiness and wondered when all this bullcrap would end, after all he was still recovering from the sad chapter. He also noticed that in the flicker of the moonlight Draco was stunningly beautiful. Not handsome, beautiful.  
  
"How is this possible, though?" Asked Harry, turning to Draco in unforseen angst. "We ...we hate each other..."  
  
Draco shrugged.  
  
"Just go with it," He said.  
  
"I demand to know what is going on!" Said Harry firmly.  
  
"Well - er, I know everything…er…my father at the ministry is very popular and of course I am great and pure blood so… It must be my irrisistable looks and great personality!" Said Draco. Harry looked away. Draco shrugged again. "Okay fine, to be honest I have no idea."  
  
"Hey fag, can I ask you a question?" Asked Harry, rather rudely.  
  
"Nobody calls Draco Malfoy a fag!" Spat Draco. "Okay fine what is it."  
  
"Why do people always describe you as being beautiful when you're a guy?" He asked.  
  
"Oh, I'm part Veela, didn't you know?" Said Draco. "I'm always part Veela in slash fics."  
  
"Then shouldn't you be a skipping little nancy boy?" Asked Harry curiously.  
  
"Your point being?"  
  
At the risk of annoying Draco, Harry changed the subject at the speed of light, wondering if he was ever going to get a straight answer.  
  
"Draco...I've been thinking." Began Harry.  
  
He turned back to the endless pretty scenery, the lake glittering in the moonlight, the tiny glowing pixies perving on them and the plants swaying in the breeze.  
  
"Oh isn't this scene lovely, I want Draco to be my boyfriend!" The red headed author cried, she was very moved by the younger author's writing.  
  
"Well if you're in love with a book character then you're a sad little puppy," Said the younger one, turning up her nose.  
  
"Shut up," Said the older one, and they vanished again into the clouds.  
  
"Did you just see two incredibly attractive godesses fly into the clouds?" Asked Draco.  
  
"I'm trying to communicate my feelings towards you in a non-gay manner and you're paying attention to two sexy bitches in the clouds!" Cried Harry, making the crickets chirp.  
  
"Well they are very sexy," Said Draco. "Especially the red headed one with her new hair cut, Mrrowww," He meowed.  
  
"I've been thinking that, my ...interest, purely platonic, in you might be...er..." Said Harry, trying to think of a sophisticated word.  
  
"Coincidental?" Said Draco. The master of sophisticated words.  
  
"Draco, I think i'm just confused," Said Harry. "I don't think I..I.."  
  
"Hmm?" Said Draco, finally looking at him.  
  
"I'm CONFUSED!" Cried Harry.  
  
"Oh isn't that nice," Said Draco and the musical orchestra began to swell. "Why are you confused? Isn't it clear that you're gay and you care about me?"  
  
Draco looked into Harry's eyes and saw angst and sadness and all that crap.  
  
"AAAAAWWWWW!" Everyone squealed.  
  
"I don't know, I hate you, I've always hated you!!" Harry snapped. "You annoy the living hell out of me…but… for some reason..." Harry trailed off.  
  
"Then...kiss me," Said Draco quietly. "Just do it, and find out once and for all."  
  
Harry was silent.   
  
"...No." He whispered. "I wouldn't be able to bear it."  
  
"Just do it you pansy!" Yelled Draco.  
  
"But what about Cho --"  
  
"You'll only find out if you kiss me."  
  
"Why don't you do it?"  
  
"It has to be you! It's more dramatic this way!" Cried Draco, shaking Harry's shoulders angrily. "Do it!"  
  
It was the sexiest sexual tension ever, it was so sexy it'd make your panties EXPLODE.  
  
Harry dared to look up. He looked into Draco's cold grey eyes.  
  
"Oh...Okay...just once," Said Harry.   
  
Harry put one hand up against Draco's cheek and smiled uncertainly...he closed his eyes, pulled his face closer to his and...  
  
"HEY, THERE ARE STUDENTS IN MY MAKE OUT SPACE!" Screamed Professor Snape, interrupting their prescious moment.  
  
"Severus, that's very rude of you!" Said Lupin.  
  
"Oh shut up Honey," Said Snape. "Or I'll punish you."  
  
"Then I'll keep on talking!" He cried with a jolly grin.  
  
"Oh no, my father figure is sleeping with Snape!" Harry said, staring at Lupin.  
  
"Excuse me, we are trying to have an emotionally big thing here!" Draco cried.  
  
"Well excuse me Mr Malfoy but I booked this space for our sex spot, do you have prior documentation to prove you have booked it?" Snape asked.  
  
"Go away Snape or I'll have my father fire you." Said Draco. "Now Harry, where were we? Oh yeah, kiss meh."  
  
"Actually I think I heard Ron calling," Said Harry awkwardly, and he got up and left.  
  
"Is that the best excuse you've got!?" Draco screamed. "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"   
  
"Ten points from Slytherin for uttering an over PG-13 profanity," Said Lupin, slowly and clearly.  
  
"Who made you the boss?" Spat Snape.  
  
Harry eyed him evily and walked inside the building, and the sexiness was felt across the universe.  
  
As Lupin and Snape were fighting over whether they should give up the spot or not (Lupin wanted Harry to have the spot,) Draco sat there alone, looking at the misty clouds over the lake.  
  
"...Dammit!"  
  
***  
  
The girls had carefully planned this moment, for it was the most crucial point in this insane story. It was the time when all the neferious plot was about to be revealed. Of course socialising was fun and everything, but you honestly didn't think that the girls thought a bit of dancing would cure everything? I think not!  
  
Silence stretched across the ballroom.  
  
"Oooh we must be up to a crucial plot development, let's get good seats!" Lavender squealed, dragging her date who's so lame we cannot remember his name forward.  
  
"They're gonna announce the Prom Queen!" Squealed Ginny.  
  
"Ginny, this is Britain, we do not have Prom Queens," Hermione replied tiredly.  
  
"You mean I bought this crown for nothing?" Ron cried, thoroughly upset that his opportunity to be a Prom Queen had been ruined.  
  
Suddenly, a rather boyish girl with short hair who was wearing a feminine tuxedo walked onto the stage.  
  
"That's that lesbian Hannah Abbot, everyone knows she's gay because she's got short hair," Lavender muttered, a-matter-of-factly.  
  
"And that's your only reason?" Asked Hermione.  
  
"Though real lesbians are stereotyped by tongue rings and greasy hair, all lesbians in fanfiction can be immediately recognised by short hair and dykey outfits, of course they're very rare because female fanfic writers prefer to masturbate over gay boys," Lavender replied.  
  
"Lavender, don't say icky things!" Said Ginny who was now being her sickly sweet self again.  
  
"This is coming from the girl who was willing to suck face with Cho ten minutes ago," Lavender pointed out.  
  
"Ahherm!" Hannah Cleared her throat. "May i have your attention please."  
  
The people filling the room who were all laughing at Ginny composed themselves and shut up. Hannah started to sweat.  
  
"Er....is everybody having a good time tonight!" She said.  
  
"Yaahhh!" Came the cries of a few drunken slytherin girls.  
  
"I'm having a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious time!" Said Seth Hazza Biggerstaff. Lavender slapped his arm and they all looked towards Hannah.  
  
"Er...as you know...um...most of you are gay." Said Hannah.  
  
"Yaaaaaah!" Came alot of cheers from the guys.  
  
"Oh well spotted," Said Hermione acidly.  
  
"The thing is, you are all under a spell." She said clearly.  
  
The boys looked blank.  
  
"You're just saying that because you're a lesbian!" Seamus Finnigan roared.  
  
"I am not, why does everybody keep saying that?" Hannah asked.  
  
"That long fringe bits and short hair thing went out ages ago," Said Angelina, as Alicia Spinett threw a used tissue at hannah.  
  
"YOU DEMENTED FAGGOTS!" Roared Hannah at the top of her voice. The room turned dark as though there were storm clouds in the room, and her black hair started flying as though it were windy. Her eyes went as red as fire. "Now, you will all SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION!"  
  
Her voice was like that of a banshee and it echoed around the now imediately silent room.  
  
"Er…alright then," Dean said nervously.  
  
Neville began to suck his thumb.  
  
"Now," She said, the room turning back to normal, and her voice now pleasant. "You boys are all under a spell," She repeated. "To of course turn you homosexual."  
  
They listened.  
  
"We girls formed an alliance to put you back to normal. We suspect that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is behind this, and is probably trying to turn Harry Potter gay, so he'll attempt suicide because of angst and You-Know-Who Will be rid of him."  
  
Everybody turned to Harry in shock.  
  
"Eh don't act so surprised," He said, shrugging. "I already tried it in chapter three."  
  
"Oh yes, the sad chapter," the authors fondly remembered.  
  
"Hermione has been searching in the new Hogsmeade Library which has been conveniantely placed so the authors could seem creative--- er i mean so we could have advanced research --" Said Hannah. "And the name of the curse is...too hard to pronounce."  
  
"And besides the incantation goes for about half an hour," Hermione Whispered knowlegably to Ginny.  
  
"I am here to inform you that the fight is not over yet," Said Hannah. "The time will come that we will meet this evil, and we will defeat it!"  
  
"THAT'S FROM LORD OF THE RINGS!" Cried Lavender's date, jumping to his feet.  
  
"Every author steals something from Lord of the Rings at some point of the fanfic," Said Hermione. "It makes them seem smart."  
  
"We all hate you, just so you know," Said Lavender.  
  
"And we hate you too, sweetheart," Said all the boys at the same time, making her blush angrily.  
  
"We have two agents who are on our side, fighting for their and our lives as we speak," Said Hannah Dramatically.  
  
"My Georgie? ---Er i mean Fred--" Said Angelina, looking embarassed and shifty-eyed.  
  
"Er yeah i think that's them." Said Hannah. "We have decided to break the spell or die trying!" Screamed Hannah, ripping her shirt off. She got a little too excited and forgot she had breasts. Fortunately for everyone she had lots of clothes on underneath so nobody had to see anything. And all the lesbians cried, including Kim Burk from the Hey Arnold forum, because she's a bitch, and nobody will ever know which author wrote that bit because there was an interruption of an explosive kind! 


	7. Cho the evil whore bag

CHAPTER SEVEN - CHO IS AN EVIL WHORE BAG  
  
"Hey kids, Cho's an evil hoe bag!" Said the red-headed author, dressed like a news reporter.  
  
"Really?" Asked the younger one, blinking her silver eye shadow covered eyes.  
  
"Oh yes dear, since Order of the Phoenix, we've come to this realization," Said the older author. "By the way, great eyeshadow!"  
  
"So before we get back to this hillarious parody, we would like to warn everybody who is reading this," Said the younger one. "There are spoilers ahead."  
  
"And if you don't want the fifth book spoilt, which believe me, you DON'T," Said the older one. "You'll stop right NOW."  
  
"We have given this chapter an S rating, which does not refer to sex." Said the young one.   
  
"Eh there probably will be sex in this chapter but the S refers to SPOILERS," Said the red-headed author, and a giant 'S' flashed on the screen.  
  
"You have been warned..." Said the younger one, as the two authors vanished behind a black veil. Not the black veil from the fifth book of course, cos then they would be dead and that would be very sad.  
  
***  
  
The explosion rocked through the foundations of the school as the Hufflepuff tower turned into an explosion of sequins and feather boas.  
  
"Oooh pretty," Parvati whispered.  
  
"It reminds me of the exotic dancing I used to do," Mused Lavender.  
  
"The school is being destroyed!" Cried Professor Flitwick. "We're all going to die!"  
  
A huge piece of concrete fell on top of Flitwick, and he spoke no more.  
  
"NOOOO!!" Screamed several students.  
  
"Woo hoo!" Cried the students who had no more charms homework.  
  
"I suppose he could be brought back to life," Snape remarked dryly, straightening his pants.  
  
"But he's the first tragic casualty in this story!" Sinistra pointed out. "And where have you been Severus? You're supposed to be my date!"  
  
"There's no tomorow children!" Cried McGonnagal, running across the room amidst all the screaming students.  
  
"Yeah, let's party like it's nineteen ninety nine!" Cried some ravenclaw chick.  
  
"It's nineteen ninety nine if we go by canon dates," Said Ron, rolling his eyes.  
  
Concrete fell from the heavens, bashing brainless students in their thin skulls. They fell writhing and screaming, blood trickling down their pretty dress robes.  
  
"OH THE TRAGEDY!" Remus cried as blood fell on the melting ice sculptures.  
  
"REMUS!" Cried McGonnagal. "Remus, we're all going to die!"  
  
"Minerva, stay close to me," Said Lupin, whom we all love. "It'll be alright, just don't panic!"  
  
"Oh Remus, dare I live out the worldwide fan girl dream?" Cried Minerva, taking hold of his hands. "Remus, Oh Remus!" Her breasts quivering in the sexy fanfic light.  
  
"Er," Said Lupin, blushing.  
  
"Remus, I love you, everyone loves you, you're just so gorgeous and angsty and --- Oh Remus! Let's subtract our clothes, divide our legs and multiply!" Cried Minerva.  
  
"Eeeeew," Said everybody.  
  
"Er…" Said Remus. "I'd love to Minerva but I'm afraid I don't have a condom."  
  
"Oh that's alright I went through menapause seven years ago," She said carelessly.  
  
"Oh well I-- the full moon's coming up soon and--"   
  
"WHO CARES, REMUS!" She screamed, tears streaming out her eyes. "WE ONLY LIVE ONCE!"  
  
"But we are in the middle of a ballroom filled with children!" He pointed out desperately.  
  
Minerva's eyes went very round. She then stood up straight, fixing up her now very messy hair.  
  
"Oh, you're right, we cannot show indecent behaviour in front of the students,"  
  
"'Ey Mcgonnagal, fancy a shag?" Came the raspy voice of Hagrid.  
  
"Sod off."  
  
"Yep, alrightey then." He said, and he walked off all jolly and drunk. He then walked into a brick wall and passed out. Everyone laughed at him while he threw up his liver.  
  
***  
  
Back in the evil death eaters tower, our favourite twins were being taken captive in the highest room, which was made of stone with one small window and a wooden door. They were originally tied together with rope, but Fred had blasted it in half with a well placed rope blasting spell. Now was the time to be talking about ways to escape, as they discussed it quietly, trying to think of the craziest plan thinkable, suddenly a door magically appeared behind them. Voldie stood there grinning evily, with Lockhart behind him, looking distant.   
  
Fred and George realised they had to escape, however they were not quite sure how. There were so many zany ideas they could've come up with, but since they had to be spontaneous, they thought of something else. Suddenly, it occurred to them… they decided to transfigure Voldemort's wand into a fish.  
  
"Fisherio!" George cried.  
  
"Er, George?"   
  
"Yes, Fred?"  
  
"Voldemort ditched his wand, he's a mage now, remember?" Cried Fred.  
  
"Oh fuck." George squealed. "RUN!"  
  
George banged on the door and Alohamora'd his heart out but it wouldn't open. Fred looked at his brother as though he was a moron and opened the door. George, who was obviously thinking Voldemort was pretty stupid to leave their only escape door un-locked, was paralyzed with slight bewilderment, finding this whole situation very funny even though the dark lord was right behind them. Fred pulled George into the room the door led to, a bigger room with a large glass-less window and three doors. Three opportunities to get out, Voldemort was gaining on them, what were they going to do?  
  
There was a huge explosion behind them, which sent them hurtling towards a window at the speed of light, except in slow motion, so we could see all their "aaagh" faces in nice detail. The explosion had been caused by Gilderoy Lockhart. Fred grabbed hold of George's robes so his twin wouldn't smack into the window, (Well his mum would kill him wouldn't she!) and they screamed as they flew through the window, which they didn't notice was about eight storeys high before they came out...  
  
"GAAAAAAHHHHH!" They both screamed.  
  
"YOU WHIPPER SNAPPERS!" Screamed Voldemort, shaking his fist at them. "THE FALL WILL KILL YOU BOTH!"  
  
He then turned to Lockhart.  
  
"Daddy is very cross with you!" He cried, and Lockhart (who had caused the explosion by lighting up the Death Eaters boxes of stage costumes) began to cry.  
  
"Don't punish me daddy, don't put me in leather!" He sobbed softly.  
  
"Gilderoy, I'm afraid you must be punished harsly indeed," Said Voldemort, showing Lockhart's frightened face for a few seconds before he closed the door on both of them.  
  
Down at the bottom of the tower, Fred and George lay sprawled on the floor. George, who had miraculously survived the eight storey plunge, coughed up some blood and sat up weakly. Fred had helped both of them to escape, and even though they were sprawled and bloody on the ground, George was secretly very grateful.  
  
"Fred," He whispered, coughing some more. "If you ever push me out of a window again, I'll set fire to your clothes."  
  
Fred just lay still, sprawled on the ground, a pool of blood around his body.   
  
"Fred?" Said George, tapping him on the shoulder.  
  
Fred was dead, just like the hit movie 'drop dead fred' only bloodier and …well, sadder.  
  
"SHUT UP, HE'S NOT DEAD HE'S NOT!" Cried George, damning the older author to the deep bowels of Heck.  
  
Predictably, the wind began to increase, and a howling storm was approaching...  
  
He felt a few tears make their way down his freckled face, feeling as if every fibre in his being had been torn from his heart. Yes, the metaphor makes no sense, but go with it.  
  
"FRED!" Screamed George, shaking his lifeless twin as though his life depended on it. "FRED, DON'T LEAVE ME!"  
  
The rain began to lash down.   
  
"Fred, wake up!" He tried again, tears falling onto his twin's face, who didn't move or react in the slightest bit. He just lay there in George's arms, as still as a stone. For a minute that lasted an eternity, George looked down at his brother's face, a face that looked exactly like his, for one last time.  
  
He dropped Fred's body, which fell to the ground, blessing the grass under him.  
  
"Fred..." Whispered George. "My twin -- gone--"  
  
As the rain drenched him to the bone, he reached his arms to the air and screamed until his throat went hoarse.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And Fred's lifeless body lay there, being drenched with rain, with a slight smile on his freckled face. Poor innocent Fred ... not even he could survive being thrown off a tower twice…  
  
***  
  
The great hall was lit up by lightning as survivors attempted to detangle themselves from the wreckage. Professor Mcgonnagal straightened her clothes and wiped the dust off her face.  
  
"So Remus, we are being attacked by gay death eaters, we are in the middle of a storm and the world as we know it is probably going to end, how do you feel?" She asked.  
  
"Well, to be completely honest..." Said Lupin. "I'm Super!"   
  
"WHAT ON EARTH!" Cried Mcgonnagal.  
  
"Explain yourself!" Screamed Lavender, who was struggling under a piece of concrete.  
  
"Well, think about it this way," Said Lupin. He got up on stage and smiled at everybody.  
  
"Oh no, here comes a musical number," Said Dean thomas under his breath.  
  
"Hey, I have the sudden urge to be the back up singer!" Cried Hermione.  
  
The Indian sex gurus began to play music. Even though they were used to playing those wacky flute things, they began to play the piano, and Blayzee and the Sunshine Band came up again and began to play. Lavender, Parvati and Hermione began humming under their breath like a group of singers from the nineteen fifties as Lupin began to sing…  
  
"Bombs are flying, people are dying," He sang. "Children are crying, Polititians are lying too!"  
  
"Hmm true," Said Mcgonnagal."  
  
"Cancer is killing, Texico Spilling...The whole world's gone to hell but how're you?" Said Lupin to the nearest first year who screamed "I'M DYING!"  
  
"Well..." Sang Lupin. "I'M SUPER!! Thanks for asking....all things considered I couldn't be better I must saaay! I'm feeling super, and nothing bugs me, everything is super when you're ---don't you think I look cute in this hat?"  
  
Everybody began to swing in time to the beat  
  
"He's not wearing a hat," Lavender whispered.  
  
"Don't question it!" Parvati replied, looking terrified.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Mr Cripple, but I just can't feel to bad for you right now," Sang Lupin to the nearest Slytherin. "Because I'm Feeling, so insanely SUPER, that even the fact that you can't walk can't bring me down!!!"  
  
"HE'S SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKING!" Sang Hermione, Parvati and Lavender. "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED HE COULDN'T BE BETTER HE MUST SAAAY!"  
  
"I'm SUPER!" Sang Lupin. "No nothing bugs ME!! Everything is Super when you --Don't you think I look cute in this hat and these little pants and this matching tie that I got at Stan's- I'M SUPER!!!!!"  
  
"Who's stan?" Mcgonnagal asked.  
  
"In the barracks and the trenches as well!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.  
  
"STICK EM UP!" Shouted Lupin, looking happy.  
  
"Lu-Lupin says do ask to tell!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.  
  
"SKITTLES!" Shouted Lupin.  
  
"Yes he's super and he's proud to be FAY!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.  
  
"OKAY!" Shouted Lupin.  
  
"EVERYTHING IS SUPER WHEN YOU'RE -- GAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!" Sang everybody  
  
"Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do----WHE-EN YOU'RE GAY!" Screamed Everyone.  
  
And the music stopped. Lupin was in a dramatic pose in the middle of the stage.  
  
"REMUS IS GAY!" Mcgonnagal cried and promptly fainted.  
  
"No, not really," Said Lavender, adjusting herself under her cement like before.  
  
"Now doesn't everybody feel better?" Said Lupin in a friendly voice.  
  
"We're DYING!" Screamed some kid.  
  
"Fine, then eat some chocolate." He said, sitting down.  
  
"Is that your solution to everything?" Cried the kid, flabbergasted.  
  
"Yes, sadly" Said Lupin.  
  
***  
  
After Lupin had sang the Super (or as we like to say, Thuper) song and proved he was no help whatsoever, people were drawn to an extremely fantastic phenomenon which was occuring inside the Hogwarts hall.  
  
There was a large shining light coming from the sky, which was like a swirling mass of clouds consisting of pure light, in every colour imaginable.  
  
"Ooh it's Aurora Australis!" Cried Parvati.  
  
"We are not in Australia, you daft woman!" Cried Colin Creevey.  
  
"You are such an idiot!" Lavender growled.  
  
Everybody, dying or healthy, turned to look up at this swirling mass of light, which was starting to come down to them in a sort of tornado, blowing everything around, heading towards one single solitary student in the hall.  
  
"AAAAGH!" Screamed Some Ravenclaw Chick. "THE LIGHTS OF DEATH ARE COMING FOR ME!"  
  
"Oh please, they're not going to kill you" Said Hermione.  
  
"Oh will you SHUT UP!" Yelled Lavender fighting the urge to slap her in the face.  
  
"IT BURNS!" Some Ravenclaw Chick howled with unspeakable agony.  
  
The flaming clouds/light/pretty colours/whatever engulfed her in seconds and she could not be seen. A sort of explosion was taking place.  
  
"Hooray!" Cried Ron, jumping for joy.  
  
"That's your date, Ron!"  
  
"I know, but if she burns to death, everyone will feel sorry for me and give me oral pleasure!" He pointed out excitedly.  
  
"He really is pathetic," Muttered the red headed author.  
  
Nobody bothered to pay attention to him, and he stopped drawing attention to himself like the pathetic little boy he is.  
  
The flames were still engulfing Some Ravenclaw Chick. What was happening? Was this be an extremely important bit in the later story, that we were passing off as unimportant so you didn't suspect anything? And why was a pathetic unimportant minor charactor suddenly involved in the plot? Was she going to die? Would anybody care? Where did she get those shoes?  
  
"At the outlet mall."  
  
"AAAAAAAARRGHHH!" Screamed Some Ravenclaw Chick, her voice becoming twisted and distorted.  
  
"Will we ever find out what's happening to her?" Asked a random Hufflepuff person.  
  
And then the chapter ended.  
  
***  
  
No it didn't.  
  
The light slowly cleared away filling the great hall with steamy spooky fog. Blaizee and the sunshine band suddenly felt the bizarre urge to play Three A.M by Matchbox Twenty.  
  
"And she only sleeps when it's raining...and she screams ...and her voice is straining" Sang Blaize as the fog cleared away  
  
"She says baby...It's 3am I must be lonely," Sang Lavender, unable to control her mouth.  
  
"When she says baby...Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes, says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it" Sang Ron, and Hermione gave him a rather shocked look.  
  
"She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to," Sang everyone in unison. "And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days.."  
  
"She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway..."  
  
A girl came into view, with long ratty blonde hair, dressed in a gypsy styled ball gown with a rather stoned expression on her face.  
  
"But outside it's stopped rainiiiiinnnng..." Sang everyone.  
  
"And she says Baby," Sang Ron. "It's three a.m i must be lonely,"  
  
"And she says Bay-Bay-Eeeh!" Cried Lavender. "Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes - says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it!"  
  
Luna Lovegood coughed.  
  
Every one screamed with shock.  
  
Everybody suddenly stopped singing the wonderful music and were silent. Ron came forward.  
  
"L...Luna?" He breathed. "You're amazing!" He cried, falling to her feet.  
  
His eyes opened wide with awe, for Luna was a wonderful original character who kicked the ass of every mysterious student who came to Hogwarts in Harry's fifth year.  
  
She batted her blue eyelashes mysteriously, and sat down on a slab of concrete. She was so unique, forgetting every single rule fashion had to offer, and she had also had a load of badges pinned to the frills of her gypsy dress. Everybody instantly recognised what a truly awe-inspiring original character she was.  
  
Then suddenly, interrupting the reveree, she farted loudly.  
  
Ron stopped staring at her in awe and looked disgusted.  
  
"It must have been the beans I had for dinner," She said with a shrug of her shoulders.  
  
"You could have done a gas de-odouring charm," Said Hermione, looking disgusted, waving the smell off her nose.  
  
"I've tried it before," Said Luna casually. "My wind smelt like chicken nuggets for three weeks."  
  
"This has really ruined the drama," Lavy murmured before she fainted from the smell.  
  
"So Luna, who stinks of shit, why are you here?" Asked Professor Lupin. Everybody who loved Lupin for the little non-swearing sweetie he was was taken aback.  
  
"I have come to tell you a very important message which will greatly affect your future!" she cried.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Yes?" Parvati asked impatiently.  
  
"You are all repressed pervs, that is all," Said Luna dreamily, and she got up and walked away.  
  
"Why did she have to go and change on me?" Asked Ron looking confused.  
  
"Because we are all repressed pervs?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I'm so depressed, relationships are always ruined when someone changes."   
  
Ron went off to mope with a while, Whoremione who was having a nice streak mood swing followed him. And then someone very important in the plot happened.   
  
Draco, who had not done anything in an ever so long time, had decided to stop waiting for something to happen and find Harry.  
  
He figured that this was a life or death situation and those were always damn sexy and Harry would HAVE to have sex with him, and perhaps Ron too, because sometimes two dicks just aren't enough.  
  
"Harry," He began, kicking Pansy to the floor.  
  
"Er --OHHH GINNY that was the FUNNIEST joke ever!" Said Harry, laughing extremely fakely. "Tell me the one about the guy who farted again!"  
  
"Err..." Said Ginny, who had been eating a shrimp cocktail. "Er...yeah, once there was a guy, and he farted...great joke huh?"  
  
"Ohh yeah--hahaha!!" Laughed Harry. "Yeah you're so funny Ginny, I just can't take my eyes off you!"  
  
"Er Harry, I think Malfoy's trying to talk to you," Said Ginny pointing behind him.  
  
"Oh yes Ginny that joke was also funny," Said Harry, trying to hint that he didn't want to speak to Draco.  
  
"Harry, Malfoy keeps kicking me in the head!!" Ginny Shrieked.  
  
"So Ginny, how's the economy?!?" Harry screamed.  
  
"I'm bleeding out of my ears!" She cried, collapsing on the floor.  
  
Harry screamed something about the Galleon rating second best after the Australian Chuzwuzza which was at an all time high, but realised he couldn't ignore Draco anymore.   
  
"Quit KICKING her, Malfoy!" Said Harry loudly and firmly.   
  
Draco immediately stopped, and Ginny sighed loudly on the ground, yelling something about her dress. She then promptly fainted and Padma Patil was forced to take her to the hospital wing.  
  
"I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU MY ANSWER MALFOY!" He screamed.  
  
"Why are you yelling in caps lock?"  
  
"BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO SINCE THE FIFTH BOOK!!" He yelled once again, and everyone was forced to block their ears as more wallpaper was ripped off due to the sheer intensity of his voice.  
  
"Oh enough of this!" Draco spat, and performed a dumbing down spell on Harry. This spell probably doesn't exist, but fanfic writers make up spells all the time when they can't be bothered looking them up. Shame on you all!  
  
Draco stood up straight, picked up Harry who was muttering loudly and looking extremely dim-witted as though he had been dropped on his head when he was a child. Well you never know, he could have. He was smacked on the head with a curse when he was a kid, wasn't he? Not to mention the fact that the Dursleys used to hit him with frying pans and the so called social services did nothing!  
  
"I'm going to take you away from all of this!" He cried dramatically.  
  
"Oh no you're not!" Hermione screeched, running up in her red corset dress.  
  
And to nobody's surprise, Ron came running up behind Hermione and put his hand on her shoulder so she wouldn't run off.  
  
"Hermione," He said, out of breath. "Before the last chapter ended, I was looking into your eyes, what happened?"  
  
"Nothing." Said Hermione, turning around.  
  
"But something ALWAYS interrupts us when we're about to have a moment!" Cried Ron.  
  
"Nothing happened Ron, because we are the comic releif which means we'll never have a serious relationship," She snapped.  
  
"But one of the reviewers wants us to get back together and to stop making fun of lesbians."   
  
"Ron you are such a tool! Can't you think for yourself!?" She snapped.  
  
"Why're you always snapping?" Said Ron. "Why can't we talk about our FEELINGS!?"  
  
"Ohh you're such a stereotypical gay guy!" Said Hermione, flipping some hair off her shoulder.  
  
"I am no stereotype!" Snapped Ron.  
  
While Ron and Hermione were arguing, and with the whole school falling down and killing everyone thing going on, Draco walked away with Harry in his arms, completely un-detected.  
  
"Draco, you do realise I can walk?" Harry muttered because he could not yell.  
  
"Hey, you called me Draco," He said triumphantly.  
  
"Yeah, so?" Retorted the annoying sarcastic Harry that annoys us all so much.  
  
"So, that means you're starting to like me - that way - because you're using my first name…" He squeaked.  
  
"I call Dudley by his first name and that doesn't mean I like him," Harry retorted.  
  
"Oh no you don't, since the fifth book you refer to him as Big D!" The older author snapped.  
  
"Yes and it was quite funny too," Giggled the younger one.  
  
"Damn the fifth book to Hell, I mean they kill off my Godfather to make the plot more interesting," Muttered Harry. "They never think that I might cry myself to sleep every night because I HAVE NO REAL FAMILY!" He screamed hysterically.  
  
"Honey, Ron's already won the best actor Oscar for this story," Draco pointed out.  
  
He performed the spell again and Harry immediately lost the ability to talk, and crumpled up again, grumbling.  
  
'Let. Me. DOWN.' Harry mouthed, because he could not talk.  
  
"I dumbened you up, you'll crumple up if i let you down," Said Draco.  
  
"I refuse!" Harry tried to yell, and he jumped out of Draco's arms, and crumpled on the ground, unable to get up.  
  
"Told ya," Said Draco, shrugging.  
  
Harry just lied there, crumpled up, looking extremely angry.  
  
"Now be quiet you," Said Draco, bending over and picking up the disgruntled Harry. "We're going."  
  
Harry mouthed the words 'where the fuck are we going'  
  
"Did you just say where's the duck Sinbad?" Draco asked.  
  
Harry was trying to punch Malfoy's chin but his hand wouldn't reach, so he gave up and sat there, looking extremely bad tempered.  
  
"Alright, so here's the plan, we flee to Bali and start a new life as the amazing Maurice and his assistant Flaura!" Draco exclaimed triumphantly. "You'll be Flaura of course."  
  
Harry mouthed 'You better be joking, ass face.'  
  
"Let's face it, I wear the pants in this relationship, biatch." Smirked Malfoy.  
  
Harry mouthed something extremely rude, that was so rude we could not insert the actual quote.  
  
"You know, you are rather annoying," Smirked Draco, walking further into the grounds. "But I guess you remind me of myself...we're a perfect match you know, I'm man enough for you, and you're woman enough for me."  
  
Draco walked into the night with the struggling be-spectacled boy in his arms, apparently very sure of exactly where they were going. As a cloud shifted, our heroes were bathed in moonlight, full-moon light that is...  
  
***  
  
When the moonlight shone through the great hall at Hogwarts, all the students stopped panicking about the falling castle, and instead they all stared at that guy we all love. Yep, everybody turned their heads towards Professor Lupin and screamed hysterically.  
  
"WEREWOLF!" Cried some stupid first year.  
  
"Er, no...I've taken my medication and I'm not going to hurt anybody," Woofed werewolf Lupin who was now all fuzzy with torn clothes hanging off him.  
  
"Damn," Said Luna, who was evidently hoping for some dramatic action.  
  
"Hey, I thought Harry Potter wolves turn into actual wolves," Said Sinistra.  
  
"Well how else do you explain that Lupin's clothes are always patched?" Said Luna. "Hasn't anybody seen an American werewolf in London?"  
  
"It's only the greatest movie of ALL time!" Cried Luna.  
  
"You know, I liked you a lot more when you were some Ravenclaw chick." Ron snarled.  
  
"At least then you were comic releif." Lavender agreed.  
  
"Don't worry, you still have me," Laughed some Slytherin chick, Luna's cousin.  
  
Luna sighed and positioned herself more comfortably under her slab of cement, after all the roof was caving in.  
  
One must wonder why the Hogwarts students were still inside the great hall when it was caving in slowly, but maybe no one will ever know. Perhaps it was because Dumbledore always makes students go to the great hall during emergencies, so now they had no real purpose and had no idea where to actually go. Dumbledore hasn't really figured prominently in this story at all cos a gay slashy Dumbledore isn't funny, it's just gross. Say it with us. Old man Penises. Eeeewww. And for those sick people out there, just pretend he's in his office with Professor Flitwick's corpse, fulfilling his most unmentionable fantasies.  
  
Suddenly the red headed Author cried.  
  
"Flitwick's dead? You killed Flitwick?!!?"  
  
"Don't you remember, a piece of roof fell on top of him and he got squished." Said a hufflepuff student.  
  
"Wow if the authors can't remember what happened, how're we supposed to get out of this situation? We're all screwed," Said another annonymous kid.  
  
"I hate you ALL!" The older Author screamed and left the fic for a while.  
  
"Okay so here's the plan, we all get out of this building before we die," Said Lavender, pushing Seth out of her basketball bosoms.  
  
"You know, I was wondering since the world is ending and all, we could go upstairs and fulfil my Star Wars Princess Leia fantasies," Said Seth, smiling.  
  
"The world isn't ending dork, and right now with Hermione out of the picture, I'm forced to play leader!" Lavy growled.  
  
"Her plan is so brilliant, we really should have made her head girl," Sinistra said to Flitwick's violated corpse.  
  
Seth just smiled seductively at Lavender with his sparkling white teeth.  
  
A thousand and one fantasies flew through Lavender's mind. Including the ones with Heath Ledger and whipped Cream, Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck in tights, Oliver wood and a large broomstick, Orlando Bloom and Ron's whip... and her date, dorky as he was, looked like a combination of all of them.  
  
"Er..." She said, dumbstruck.  
  
"Oh great, our noble leader is going to let us die because of a dick," Muttered Parvati, looking extremely put out.  
  
"Oh I dunno, my mum didn't call me Biggerstaff for nothing," Said Seth, looking cute and modest. Half the girls immediately died of shock.  
  
"This Character's lame, let's shoot him." Said Luna.  
  
Something finally snapped in Lavender's head. She looked at Seth and smiled insanely. Then she turned to look at Hermione, who was in the far left of the room, arguing with Ron like always.  
  
"HERMIONE," She yelled. "I WANT MY WHIP BACK!"  
  
Hermione ran over to her, looking extremely scandalised.  
  
"Whip!" Cried Hermione. "I have no whip! I don't know what you're talking about!"  
  
"Give it back to me and I'll let you keep the clothes and other 'toys' you stole from my closet!"  
  
Hermione looked murderous and handed over the whip.  
  
"What's that for?" said Seth. "Is it like Wonder Woman's power rope?"  
  
"We'll see," Said Lavender, taking hold of his shirt. They both ran across the hall, up the stairs, and were not heard of for a while.  
  
***  
  
Ron and Hermione had joined forces temporarily to chase after Harry and wreak vengeance upon his soul.  
  
Ron was extremely angry at Harry. Harry had forgotten his best crime-solving buddy back at the ball of death.   
  
He must die.   
  
Hermione had had her prescious Whoremione whip taken from her.   
  
Harry must die.   
  
Even though this was not Harry's fault, she wanted to blame something on him and it might as well have been her whip injustice. Together, Ron and Hermione made an extremely pissed off team.   
  
All must die.   
  
And then they'd stop Voldemort, save the day and all that usual crap.  
  
They were now almost beyond the school grounds, they had only realised Harry had left about ten minutes ago, so he must be ten minutes ahead. Though the conditions of how he left were still unknown to them. But still, trudging against the Hogwarts grounds, Hermione and Ron were looking extremely cool and murderous with their Matrix dark glasses combined with their dress robes. How they could see with those sunglasses on at night is anybodys guess.  
  
"Er…Ron," Hermione stopped, looking completely shocked.  
  
"For the last time Hermione, I'm GAY!" Snapped Ron, continuing to walk.  
  
"That's not what I was going to whine about," She said in a quiet voice.   
  
For she had spotted George, looking like a devastated wreck, and she had also spotted Fred.  
  
Fred was dead. It was very sad. George had tried to raise him from the dead but he realised he didn't know how. Instead he transfigured his brother's corpse into a ventriliquist dummy in a moment of sheer insanity.  
  
"S..ss…Say Fred, why is a Raven like a writing desk?" He cried, sobbing hysterically  
  
Hermione looked at poor pathetic George in horror.  
  
"I don't know George, wh..why is a Raven like a writing desk?" He made the dummy Fred say.  
  
"Because ...Because...BWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Howled George, collapsing in a devastated wreck on his dead twin's chest.  
  
"Um…" Hermione began.  
  
"Why's George playing with a doll?" Asked Ron, who had just caught up, and George looked up hysterically.  
  
"ALL LIFE HAS NO MEANING!!!!" Cried George. He howled some more and wiped at least four tablespoons worth of snot onto his sleeve, and began to bawl again, clutching the dummy and hiding his face in it's chest.  
  
"Um…" said Hermione.   
  
George propped up the dummy and began singing. Ron looked a little ashamed that his brother was acting this way, but tried not to show it. Instead he got down on his knees and put his hand on his brother's shoulder.  
  
"George," He said. "Kindly tell me what is the matter?"  
  
"NOTHING!" Cried George Hysterically. "NOTHING NOTHING FRED'S NOT DEAD HE'S ALIVE!!! HE'S SINGING!!!"  
  
George just sniffed and sobbed into the dummy's chest.  
  
"George?" Asked Hermione softly. "What's wrong?"  
  
"It's his ...It's his favourite song...and and I don't know the WORDS!" Sobbed George.  
  
"Which one?" Said Hermione. "Who are you talking about?"  
  
"J...J..Jerimiah w..was a bullfrog..." Sang George shakily. "Wwas a good friend of mine...I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him with his w...wine.."  
  
"Your brother is friends with bullfrogs?" Hermione whispered, staring at George as if he was insane.   
  
"Joy to the world...All the boys and girls..." Sang George shakily. "Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea...J..JJoy to you and m...mm...MEE!"  
  
George then collapsed again and began crying harder than ever.  
  
"Hey, that's Fred's favourite song," Said Ron. "Where is he anyway?"  
  
And just like the scene in Beauty and the Beast, except for this time there was no apparent reason for what happened, the magic rain began to rain down on the dummy, and it slowly and prettily turned back into George's twin. Unfortunately for everyone, he was still dead.  
  
"HOLY SHIT!" Ron screamed.  
  
"You kn…know I LOVE THE LADIES, I love to have my fun," George continued to scream, completely oblivious. "I'm a hard knock flyer and a rainbow rider, a s-straight shootin son of a gun!"  
  
"My brother's dead…" Ron sobbed.  
  
"BWAAAAAA!!!" Cried George again. "NO HE'S NOT!"  
  
"Er, that's right George, he's not!" Said Hermione shakily. "Now, now why don't you go back to the great hall and have some fun?  
  
"F..Ffun??" Sniffed George adorably. "C..Ccan Fred come?"  
  
"Er...yes.." Said Hermione.  
  
"That's a ROTTING CORPSE Hermione!" Ron shrieked.  
  
"It might be a corpse, but it's good looking and well not rotting..." Said Hermione.   
  
"IT WILL START ROTTING SOON!" Ron screamed hysterically.  
  
George sniffed a bit and picked Fred up.  
  
"Come on Fred, L...Let's go! We can come meet everybody again and it'll be just like before!!" Said George. "And-and we'll be best buddies again, just like before!"  
  
"This is really sick," Ron muttered.  
  
As George began walking away , they could hear him saying "Just like before" over and over, with a few sniffs in between.  
  
"How long do you think it will take before people notice the smell?" Ron asked.  
  
"Judging by the current temperature and the decomposing state, at least twenty minutes." Said Hermione.  
  
"Well...let's go then." Said Ron.  
  
"You know Ron, you're taking this pretty well..." Said Hermione sadly, putting a hand on his shoulder.   
  
"Well this isn't an angst fic, so I haven't got time to cry about it," Said Ron, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"I'm sorry." She said.  
  
"Well, he'll probably be brought back to life sooner or later," Said Ron glumly.  
  
"So um…" Hermione began, as the rain fell between them, in a very romantic angsty way.  
  
"Yeah?" Ron asked in a bored tone of voice.  
  
"Do you want to make out with me?" She asked.  
  
"MY BROTHER JUST DIED, GIVE IT UP ALREADY!" Yelled Ron angrily.  
  
"Am I EVER going to get back with you?" Snapped Hermione. "Because if I'm not, I'm going to Marry Dean."  
  
"Like I care what happens to you. My brother's DEAD!" Yelled Ron.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry," She said quietly. "That was really insensitive..it's just…your hair's all wet and …I've kinda got a thing for wet guys and.."  
  
"Whatevuhh," Said Ron with a stereotypical gay hand flip.  
  
"Don't you 'whatevuhh' me!" Snapped Hermione. "I just thought you were--"  
  
"I'm GAY." Said ron firmly. "You can't HAVE me!"  
  
"You know if I wasn't a girl I'd be throwing myself off a cliff right now!" Hermione yelled, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Why because I'm not good enough for you?" Snapped Ron.  
  
"No it's because I'm madly in love with you!" Hermione screamed. "And you treat me like SHIT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" She ran off dramatically, her frilly red Moulin Rougish skirts flying in the breeze, only to to trip on a large tree root and fall over…  
  
She fell several feet before crashing into the dirt, hitting her head pretty hard on the floor, her skirts getting covered in all sorts of muck. She lay there wondering where she was, what the hell happened, why she wasn't dead yet and hoping her suffering would end soon. All sound had dissappeared and everything was dark.   
  
Perhaps she was dead and she had been buried alive? That was a rather peaceful thought…no more gay Ron, no more having to wear slutty clothes…  
  
But the N.E.W.T.S were in THREE WEEKS! SHE COULDN'T DIE!  
  
She sat up and looked around. Everything was dark, all she could see was a circle of sky the size of a hula-hoop that seemed to be directly above her.  
  
"Ron?" She screamed, sounding lost and desperate. She glanced around and realized she was trapped in a hole, a big hole. You see, during a drunken rampage, Hagrid had managed to kill one of the Thestrals three days previously. He had dug a hole in order to turn it into a grave, which is kinda ironic because Thestrals are creatures associated with death and this one was dead. Unfortunately Hagrid had thrown up his liver at the ball, and what with the blood loss and drowning in his own vomit, he never got around to putting the damn thing in it's hole. The thestral was currently still in the makeshift coffin in Hagrid's cabin, wearing his mother's wedding dress. …Don't ask.  
  
Ron looked around through the rain and sighed with relief when he realized Hermione had finally gone.  
  
"Thank God that bitch has quit her belly aching!" He laughed, and wished he had a cigarette to light, because then he'd look damn cool. Of course that would be bad because smoking is bad for your lungs and kills you, so don't smoke, people!  
  
"Ron!" Cried Hermione desperately. "HELP MEE!"  
  
"Hermione?" He answered, completely confused.  
  
"I'M OVER HERE!" She screamed, jumping up and down, unable to reach the top because the hole was so huge.  
  
"I can hear you!" Said Ron stupidly, following her voice.  
  
"Oh Ron!" Cried Hermione, and he could tell she was crying. "Oh Ron if you help me I swear I'll never ever annoy you EVER again and if you want me to I'll even steal Lavender's whip and I'll legally change my name to Whoremione for your amusement and--"  
  
There was a loud crashing sound…and Ron had fallen into the hole, hitting his head also.  
  
"YOU STUPID DICK!" She screamed, kicking him in the stomach and causing him to be in more pain.  
  
"Oww!" Ron winced in pain and sat up on his knees, holding his stomach. He looked up at the top of the hole, a metaphorical hula hoop full of sky. "My head…my stomach…"  
  
"Serves you right for falling in here!" Sobbed Hermione hysterically. "Ohh you're so horrid!"  
  
"Why didn't you tell me you were in a bloody hole?" Winced Ron, falling forwards onto his knees in pain. "You should've warned me…"  
  
"I warned you!" I was screaming for help!" She cried.  
  
"I hate it when you do that!" Yelled Ron angrily. "You didn't tell me you were stuck down a bloody hole and now we're BOTH stuck here!"  
  
"Well fuck you Ron." Said Hermione.  
  
Silence rung around their holey prison (HAHAHA HOLEY GET IT HA WE R FUNNEE!! BECOS BECOS HOLY PEEPOL DON LIEK HARREE POTTA!! OMG WE R SO GOOD RITERS!!! OMG!!!111) until it was almost deafening.  
  
"So." Said Ron.  
  
"Yes?" Hermione asked furiously.  
  
"Harry said that movies always have half naked women in them, is that true?" Ron asked.  
  
"Pretty much." Said Hermione angrily.  
  
"Well...that's cool I guess." He said awkwardly.  
  
There was silence again for a few minutes until Ron broke it again.  
  
"How naked are they?" He asked.:  
  
"Quite." She snapped.  
  
"Oh." Said Ron awkwardly. "Right."  
  
There was even more silence after that.   
  
"Er--"   
  
"Yes you see their breasts," Snapped Hermione.  
  
"Right." Said Ron, avoiding her eye contact. "Um…" Ron began.  
  
"No, you rarely see their vaginas." She interjected.  
  
"Ah...er...Okay," Said Ron, who began to stare at his knees.  
  
"Um..." He said shyly.  
  
"Yes most of them have orgies!" She screamed loudly. "Orgies and whipped cream and horrible disgusting things like that!"  
  
"Er...Okay, but that's not what i was going to say..." He said.  
  
"Then what?" She snapped angrilly. "You rarely see dicks on the screen, just so you know."  
  
"Maybe in the summer we...could go to one." He said shyly, avoiding eye contact and then staring at his knees.  
  
There was silence for about ten more bloody minutes, which Ron used up by staring at his shoes, looking terrified.  
  
"…Alright then." Hermione muttered, blushing bright red. "But it's going to be a Disney one mind you, one without naked women and whipped cream."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"And you're to buy me raisins, and popcorn."  
  
"Alright." Ron agreed.  
  
"And you're to drive me there," She continued.  
  
"Fair enough.." said Ron.  
  
"And you're going to pay for me, and wait on me hand and foot, and if the movie's boring it'll be entirely your--"  
  
But she never finished that sentence, because Ron's lips were on hers.  
  
"What the HELL!?" Screamed the audience as Ron continued to kiss Hermione.  
  
It was magical, it was beautiful, here it came, another romance scene.  
  
"Ron, your breath STINKS!" Hermione cried, pushing him off.  
  
There was an awkward silence.  
  
"…sorry about that," Ron whispered, embarased.  
  
"It's alright," Hermione said in a reluctant tone.  
  
"I won't…I won't do that again…" Said Ron.  
  
Hermione didn't reply, she just blushed red and avoided his eye contact.  
  
Suddenly he looked at her, really looked at her…and despite the fact that she was rumpled and filthy with a possibly broken ankle, she really did look quite lovely.   
  
It occurred to Ron then and there, that yes, she was a slut and she was as annoying as hell, and her frequent attempts to change his personality were rather desperate.  
  
Actually the negatives were really starting to outweigh the positives. Suddenly she looked up and her eyes which fanfics always described as the colour of chocolate, despite the fact that they were really more of a shit brown colour, trembled with unshed tears. And the negative aspects didn't seem so important anymore.  
  
"Hermione , I'm, sorry" he finally said.  
  
Although what he really wanted to say whas that sometimes she really was rather pretty, and even now when she was ugly he still loved her despite everything. But being a boy he could never say that, due to the fact that he was emotionally constipated.  
  
Ron's ears started to turn red, and he looked as though he was under a whole load of pressure. When Hermione asked him what was the matter, he hesitated, but then...   
  
"I love you," he whispered, looking at his knees.   
  
*** 


End file.
